Discovering What We Want

On Saturday mornings we ride bikes. This was one of the unspoken rules of a group of grown men that for a brief time became known as the “Beechers.” There were many rules in this group of neighbors, most of whom where in their early fifties. There were macho rules like don’t ever quit or say you are tired. There were drafting rules that dictated that every rider would spend some time at the front allowing the other riders to draft off of them. There were even rules that dictated how far we would ride before we stopped for breakfast. Each of these rules was never voted upon, or decided, as this group had no real leader. This was just a group of guys that decided together that on Saturday mornings we ride bikes.

Over the years the “members” of the Beechers changed from time to time. We added to our number as more of the men in the neighborhood decided to ride with us. There was even a time, although very brief, when some of the neighborhood women would join our Saturday morning rides. These rides would consist of 25 to 35 mile treks from our Northside neighborhood, to points in the suburbs. Where we went depended upon the distance we planned to travel that day, which was one of the few things that was decided in advance. The most consistent riders among the Beechers were Larry and Dan. For a while the group included John, Mark, Bob, Chip, Jim, and me. I was the youngest in the group.

During our rides we rode hard and we talked. We talked about politics, religion, sex, the military, and life. Many of these topics led to heated discussions, and at times tempers would flare. However, the good thing about doing this while riding a bike is that even if you are angry, you are still perhaps 15 miles from home so you just might as well get over it. I learned a lot during those rides, but mostly I learned about the people that I called my neighbors and later began to call them my friends. The friendships that evolved from those rides have endured for nearly 20 years.

Our riding days together preceeded Lance Armstrong’s victories in the Tour de France. We also began riding together in the years before the rising popularity of all-terrain or mountain bikes. We rode racing bikes. These bikes were light weight, had small tires, and could easily reach speeds of 45 miles an hour going down hills. We all knew this for a fact as each of us equipped our bikes with speedometers, and odometers to track our rides. It was not uncommon at the end of a ride that someone would check their top speed and let us know that at one point we had been traveling at 47 miles per hour. It was this speed that made these rides dangerous. Many of us have watched in horror on television as riders fall off of their bikes. When watching a race we see how quickly an accident can happen and television cameras show us the damage to both the bike and the rider. Each of us that rode together knows first hand the risks of taking long rides through the city on a racing bike. Almost to a man we each suffered accidents of varying severity. Bruised ribs, broken legs, broken collar bones, or concussions are badges we all wear.

Two days ago Dan had an accident on his bike. His accident is by far the most severe that any of us have suffered. Dan shattered his hip, broke his collar bone, broke several ribs, and damaged his lung. Fortunately, as has been our practice, Dan was wearing his helmet and suffered no damage to his head. Dan is 62 years old.

I visited Dan in the Trauma unit yesterday. He was pretty banged up. After talking about the events surrounding his accident, we started one of those bicycle conversations. We began talking about what people want. Dan owns a business. He is married to a lovely woman that is an award winning artist and retired teacher. He has two attractive and well educated adult daughters, and two grandchildren. He has a beautiful home, and two late model automobiles. By most measures Dan is successful. But at that moment, there in the trauma unit, I realized that Dan would have easily traded places with me as I stood while he was lying there with his leg in traction. At the same time, I believe that had I been the one lying there in traction, Dan would also have gladly traded places with me. Life can be fickle among friends.

More than 15 years ago while standing in the alley street behind our homes Dan taught me what people want. He told me then that people want to be understood, accepted, valued, and part of a trusting relationship. I have shared Dan’s philosophy with many people since that day. I even have friends that will call me on the telephone to remind them about Dan’s philosophy. For years I have tried to find a way to make Dan’s philosophy more easily transferable to others. I often wrote down the letters U, A, V, and T, trying to find a way to make those letters make sense. On the eve of Dan’s accident at 1:30 in the morning I finally realized what was missing. The answer is love. The thing that Dan’s philosophy did not include was that people want to be loved.

As Dan, his wife Holly, and I talked there in the Trauma unit we agreed that when we add the word “loved” to Dan’s philosophy, we get five letters that help us to understand and grasp what we really want. We have been programmed by marketers of all kinds to think that we want wealth, or power, or material possessions. We are constantly bombarded by messages that tell us to “trust me”, “watch me”, “listen to me”, “and be like me.” All of these messages have taken away our ability to focus in the moment.

In the moment, we can see clearly. In the moment, we can understand what we really want. Talking to Dan in the Trauma unit we experienced one of those “in the moment” times. Dan made the message so very clear to me. He said “Harvey, we can help people see what is inside the vault”. What is inside is not wealth. The vault does not contain material goods. The vault does not demand that you look like me, or listen to me. But inside the vault there is power that is immeasurable.

Take a look inside the vault and you can learn the secret to what people really want. The secret is what you want too. Inside you will learn this: People want to be Valued, Accepted, Understood, Loved, and part of a Trusting relationship. That is the simple secret of what is inside the vault.

My friend Dan has a long road to recovery. I know that he is going to do well. I know this because Dan already understands what was inside the vault. He lives his life with the clarity of being in the moment. Dan’s message, this message, is one that everyone should hear. In the coming days I will begin to outline how we can live our lives in a way that brings us what we want.