I want to start out today with a confession. For the past two weeks I have been burned out. The stresses of work (finding it not doing it), chasing money for work done, and the daily rigors of life have gotten me down. My sleep patterns are off and I have been pretty much in isolation mode for a while. These symptoms are not new to me. I know that from time to time I get like this.
I was having a telephone conversation with a friend today that usually knows when I am down in the dumps. Yet, as friends will do, we carried on the conversation anyway. During our conversation we talked about serious things, business matters, world events, and life in general. The conversation included some verbal gymnastics, analysis, and lots of laughter. At the end of the conversation I found that I felt so much better than I did at the beginning.
In this conversation I learned a thing or two about myself that I had not previously paid attention to. I think that what I learned would be helpful to most of us. Looking back at my conversation we spent almost no time commiserating. The conversation focused instead on things that were outside of the very things that were getting me down. We talked about business but not so much our businesses but other things that were happening in the business world. We sparred on an issue or two, and we laughed about some of the silly things going on both with ourselves and in the world. We talked about our flaws and foibles in a way that reminded me that we are all human and generally imperfect.
All of this got me thinking about what it takes to recharge the spirit. We have often heard that laughter is the best medicine. Yet as grown ups we don’t allow ourselves to engage in the general silliness that once gave us so much fun. With my friend I find that I can be silly and we poke fun at each other. We laugh at ourselves and we laugh at each other. The laughter feels good. We also talked about things that were outside of the box. There was no need to sound profound or prove our intelligence we were just bouncing off of one another.
Many of us have seen the television commercial where the young man has just started his first job. In the commercial this young man is constantly being called on his cell phone by his friends that have not started working yet. They ask him silly questions like “guess how many cookies I have in my mouth?” Or remind him that he needs to bring home toilet paper from work because they are out of it at the house. All of the calls are silly and very immature. But they make you laugh because we can remember what things were like for many of us at the beginning of our “serious work” career. At least for me when I started out in the work world I worked hard and I played hard. As I have gotten older I find that more and more I just work hard or do hard work.
One of the ways that I recharge my battery is that I will spend time playing video games. I will play puzzle games like Collapse, or games like Splinter Cell or Medal of Honor. These games can generally consume large amounts of time that we have so little of in our hectic day-to-day lives. However, the games allow me to escape for a short while using skills that I don’t need for work. I compete either with or against my boys to see who can hold the record for our house in a particular game. You might think that someone my age should not spend too much time playing games, and I would generally agree with you. But brief periods of time spent on these activities help us to kick back and let go for a while.
I was reading a story about Pixar Entertainment recently which talked about the incredible pressures they have placed upon themselves to produce one blockbuster hit after another in the shortest time frames imaginable. The pressures are immense and the work week often exceeds eighty hours. Yet, these people remain creative and avoid burnout. The turnover rate at Pixar is only 5%. How do they do this? The answer is that they have an organized system that helps people to recharge. The company provides improvisational acting classes for employees that are interested. They play basketball or volley ball at lunch time. Generally all of the employees are permitted time to get out of the box and just play a while.
We have all got to get some fun and general silliness back into our lives. We can start by not taking ourselves so seriously. This should be easy enough since if you really checked most of the people you are dealing with probably don’t take you very seriously anyway. Why not join them and even amp it up a bit. I keep several sets of juggling balls in my office at home. I have not practiced them in months. However, today I plan to practice for a while. Usually one of my sons will join me and we work on getting better. If you don’t have a game on your computer, then get one. Get one that challenges you but that you can learn quickly then compete against your kids. You probably will not beat them but having them beat you (and this is because kids are better than all of us at these games) will encourage their self-esteem and confidence. You can also have a lot of fun with them.
Another thing I like to do is tell jokes. I actually practice a few of them just so that I can have them at the ready when I talk to a friend. Helping my friends laugh helps me to laugh too. If jokes are not your thing you could try telling the truth. I know that I do enough stupid things on a daily basis that when I recount these stories to my friends we always get a good laugh. If you have not done anything really dumb that you can talk about then you really are not getting out enough. Go ahead and try laughing at yourself for a change.
Each of us has a long list of things to do. We have goals to accomplish and many serious pursuits that we must engage in. Yet, if you are tired, or burned out you are not going to get them done anyway. Have a little fun and play a while. Make sure that you manage to laugh out loud. The problems in your life are not going anywhere so you might as well take a minute to laugh, joke and crack a smile. It worked for me today and I know that it can’t hurt if you give it a try.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Changing Your V.O.I.C.E.
There is something interesting about change. Sometimes we see change as a negative occurrence to which we are resistant. At other times we can see change as an opportunity that we can take hold of to make a difference. It is the latter approach to change which is common when we change jobs or move to a new environment.
It seems that when we experience change that is self imposed we react to those changes in a positive light. Of course this statement is by no means profound as changes that we create for ourselves should be viewed positively. We see this kind of change as another chance to make things right or to undo things that we perceived as not working in the past. During such times we may experience a sort of personal makeover to create for ourselves the person that we now want to become.
Sometimes a personal makeover is more than buying new clothes or changing our style of dress. There are times when while experiencing our personal metamorphosis we take a look at our behaviors and make decisions to change those too. This works well when we are talking about bad behaviors like failing to exercise, eating poorly, or smoking. Any time we can take an opportunity to make positive lifestyle changes we experience very positive results. But what about times when we make decisions to change parts of our personality or work style? What happens when a person that was once meek becomes aggressive? Or when someone that was shy becomes bold? People have a way of making changes to their persona when they believe that the way they behaved in the past will not serve them positively in the future.
Sometimes changes in our persona are not changes created by our conscious decisions. Like creatures in nature we humans at times adapt to our environment. Take for example the stuffed shirt business type that suddenly finds themselves working for a laid back technology company. In that case the stuffed shirt must adapt their work style to fit in to the organization. As another example consider a person that finds themselves in an aggressive environment where everyone wants to be heard and you are judged not by what you do but how you position yourself. What sort of changes would that impose?
I learned recently of a case where a person went to work for a Fortune 500 company that is rated among the greatest companies in the world. The company is noted for their processes, business theories, and their leadership capacity. As an outsider many people would aspire to work for this world class organization. However, once inside, you learn that like many companies the company does not always live up to its reputation. On the inside you find yourself working among petty and spiteful people. The culture turns out to be aggressive but not for the sake of business progress, but rather purely for personal advancement. Inside such a company you find a level of incestuous activity that only breeds distrust. To succeed in such an environment you become like everyone else. You keep your cards close to the breast. You create and protect turf, and you eventually lose your own sense of values and begin to ascribe to the shared values of the organization.
We might look at this situation and conclude that this is only what is necessary to survive. We might easily dismiss this as the kind of thing that is necessary in order to succeed in the business world. What could be more normal? Is this really normal? Should a change of jobs result in a change in values? Should we morph when we become part of a new culture becoming more like a chameleon that changes colors based on the surrounding environment? While this might well be normal and perhaps we could assume even necessary to survive in a new culture I want to suggest that there is another way.
Each of us that have ever attended an interview remembers the preparation that we engaged in to get ready. We clean ourselves up and put on our best suit. We study the company and think through hypothetical questions and answers to show our knowledge of the company and diversity in our thinking. We remind ourselves of our basic manners and try to be engaging, intelligent and even a bit witty if the opportunity presents itself. Note that we do not reconsider our basic values in advance of the interview. We do not make a decision to become more aggressive, or lose our ability to be thoughtful. We do not in preparing for an interview decide to become a different person we only decide to make sure that the interviewer can see the person that we are in a positive light.
It is very tempting and perhaps all too easy to adapt to a new organization. As we seek to survive in a different culture we can take on the personality of the organization. Yet, in doing so that is when we lose our voice. Part of what makes a person attractive to an organization, is the freshness in that person’s perspective. We usually forget that who we are wins friends and influences people. While we all can agree that making the right impression is the thing to do initially, changing who we are in order to adapt is not.
We are each so very unique and bring to our situations our perspectives and ideas. What makes companies and organisms thrive is constant renewal. New people with new ideas and new approaches keep companies fresh. To the extent that we lose that freshness and begin to conform to everyone else we sell ourselves short and we no longer serve the company well. This is not to suggest that all newcomers should be mavericks or outcasts. Getting along is always the required minimum for playing in any sandbox. Yet never lose your fresh perspective or change positive values for the sake of conformity. If your values don’t fit the organization, live your values anyway.
Every organization has a unique culture. This is part of the social chemistry. The chemistry always changes when anyone new is added. When we find ourselves in a new environment we are faced with a choice. Do we desire to blend in and become like everyone else, or do we bring our unique voice to the mix. I hope that in every case we remember to always maintain our unique voice. The sound may be different from the rest, but harmony is never achieved with identical voices. Harmony is achieved when we successfully blend different voices and emphasize those differences when they are needed most.
Once you have found your V.O.I.C.E. never lose it in the crowd.
It seems that when we experience change that is self imposed we react to those changes in a positive light. Of course this statement is by no means profound as changes that we create for ourselves should be viewed positively. We see this kind of change as another chance to make things right or to undo things that we perceived as not working in the past. During such times we may experience a sort of personal makeover to create for ourselves the person that we now want to become.
Sometimes a personal makeover is more than buying new clothes or changing our style of dress. There are times when while experiencing our personal metamorphosis we take a look at our behaviors and make decisions to change those too. This works well when we are talking about bad behaviors like failing to exercise, eating poorly, or smoking. Any time we can take an opportunity to make positive lifestyle changes we experience very positive results. But what about times when we make decisions to change parts of our personality or work style? What happens when a person that was once meek becomes aggressive? Or when someone that was shy becomes bold? People have a way of making changes to their persona when they believe that the way they behaved in the past will not serve them positively in the future.
Sometimes changes in our persona are not changes created by our conscious decisions. Like creatures in nature we humans at times adapt to our environment. Take for example the stuffed shirt business type that suddenly finds themselves working for a laid back technology company. In that case the stuffed shirt must adapt their work style to fit in to the organization. As another example consider a person that finds themselves in an aggressive environment where everyone wants to be heard and you are judged not by what you do but how you position yourself. What sort of changes would that impose?
I learned recently of a case where a person went to work for a Fortune 500 company that is rated among the greatest companies in the world. The company is noted for their processes, business theories, and their leadership capacity. As an outsider many people would aspire to work for this world class organization. However, once inside, you learn that like many companies the company does not always live up to its reputation. On the inside you find yourself working among petty and spiteful people. The culture turns out to be aggressive but not for the sake of business progress, but rather purely for personal advancement. Inside such a company you find a level of incestuous activity that only breeds distrust. To succeed in such an environment you become like everyone else. You keep your cards close to the breast. You create and protect turf, and you eventually lose your own sense of values and begin to ascribe to the shared values of the organization.
We might look at this situation and conclude that this is only what is necessary to survive. We might easily dismiss this as the kind of thing that is necessary in order to succeed in the business world. What could be more normal? Is this really normal? Should a change of jobs result in a change in values? Should we morph when we become part of a new culture becoming more like a chameleon that changes colors based on the surrounding environment? While this might well be normal and perhaps we could assume even necessary to survive in a new culture I want to suggest that there is another way.
Each of us that have ever attended an interview remembers the preparation that we engaged in to get ready. We clean ourselves up and put on our best suit. We study the company and think through hypothetical questions and answers to show our knowledge of the company and diversity in our thinking. We remind ourselves of our basic manners and try to be engaging, intelligent and even a bit witty if the opportunity presents itself. Note that we do not reconsider our basic values in advance of the interview. We do not make a decision to become more aggressive, or lose our ability to be thoughtful. We do not in preparing for an interview decide to become a different person we only decide to make sure that the interviewer can see the person that we are in a positive light.
It is very tempting and perhaps all too easy to adapt to a new organization. As we seek to survive in a different culture we can take on the personality of the organization. Yet, in doing so that is when we lose our voice. Part of what makes a person attractive to an organization, is the freshness in that person’s perspective. We usually forget that who we are wins friends and influences people. While we all can agree that making the right impression is the thing to do initially, changing who we are in order to adapt is not.
We are each so very unique and bring to our situations our perspectives and ideas. What makes companies and organisms thrive is constant renewal. New people with new ideas and new approaches keep companies fresh. To the extent that we lose that freshness and begin to conform to everyone else we sell ourselves short and we no longer serve the company well. This is not to suggest that all newcomers should be mavericks or outcasts. Getting along is always the required minimum for playing in any sandbox. Yet never lose your fresh perspective or change positive values for the sake of conformity. If your values don’t fit the organization, live your values anyway.
Every organization has a unique culture. This is part of the social chemistry. The chemistry always changes when anyone new is added. When we find ourselves in a new environment we are faced with a choice. Do we desire to blend in and become like everyone else, or do we bring our unique voice to the mix. I hope that in every case we remember to always maintain our unique voice. The sound may be different from the rest, but harmony is never achieved with identical voices. Harmony is achieved when we successfully blend different voices and emphasize those differences when they are needed most.
Once you have found your V.O.I.C.E. never lose it in the crowd.
Monday, April 25, 2005
Life Without Limits
This morning I have been unable to escape thinking about a story that has been in the press for the past several days. That is the story of the five year old Florida girl that was removed from her elementary school in handcuffs, and later restrained in a police car with nylon cuffs on her wrists, and traditional steel handcuffs on her ankles.
Today the national news showed video footage of the young girl’s actions prior to her arrest. The video also captures the arrest of the young girl. Naturally, the news this morning also gave air time to the Superintendent of the school district the girl attends as well as the attorney now representing the family. All sides have been positioning themselves on this issue and given the state of affairs in our country today and the fact that this took place in Florida, I expect that congressional action is not far behind.
Let me say early on here that it makes no sense to me that anyone, including the police, would ever even think to restrain a five year old with handcuffs of any kind. I am sure that this issue will be discussed fervently by people on both sides of the argument. While this issue is to me very unfortunate, it does speak to a larger issue that is far more in line with the topics I write about on this page. That issue is a prevalent lack of boundaries in our society.
Someone recounted to me recently a story of a young child that kicked them in the shin at a grocery store. This happened in full view of the child’s parent. The parent failed to apologize for the child’s actions, and in fact never took action to remove the child from the situation. Rather, the parent ignored the event and continued with her shopping. In my own town there is a story of a four year old boy that was killed last week when he was hit by a van that may have been driving too fast. At the time of the accident however the four year old was walking home alone from a playground and was hit in the middle of a well traveled street.
Each of the incidents I have described here are isolated occurrences. Yet, I believe that each speaks to a greater problem in our society. That is that we no longer believe in the establishment of boundaries.
A generation ago Malcolm X popularized the term “by any means necessary” as a call to action. Years later, Jack Welch, the former CEO of GE, established the “boundaryless organization” as a way to remove barriers, encourage cooperation and build trust. Today, one of the most popular terms used by young people is “whatever.” Each of these speaks to a sense that anything goes. Somewhere in our subconscious nature each of us is being told that given the right set of circumstances, or for the right reasons, we can do almost anything we choose. We no longer operate by a set of standards. We do not establish rules for acceptable behavior. We can justify and defend almost any action socially, politically, practically or morally. At some point there must be boundaries established. Some things must be deemed to be inappropriate or wrong.
There are laws in nature which are true for every time and every place in the universe. These laws are not subject to interpretation. They are absolutes. The laws of nature are what keep our world in balance. Natural laws do not require our agreement, and our opinions do not change natural laws. We seem to have shifted in our society to a point where we no longer believe in absolutes. Everything is conditional. This presumes that there are times when certain bad behaviors are acceptable. It presumes that human kindness is not required at all times. It further assumes that parents are not responsible for their children, when in fact each of these is incorrect.
As people we need to understand that there are limits. There are behaviors that are unacceptable. There are rules that should be followed without bending, and there will always be consequences for our actions. In our workplaces there are rules for the way that others should be treated. We should follow those rules. There are rules for the proper way to raise children and to teach them to relate to others. Parents should be required to follow those rules because the safety of their children is at stake. Socially there are rules that require us to respect all people and to treat everyone fairly. Breaking those rules without regard to political purposes, or social prejudices causes us all to lose.
Limits, rules and boundaries are all painful. Anytime we find that we just can not do anything that we desire we experience pain. Boundaries require self discipline and sacrifice. But more importantly, they require definition. We define our boundaries when we can say what we believe in and what we stand for. The boundaries are then created by those things that our outside of what we believe, or that do not agree with what we stand for. You can not establish boundaries on the fly. Social groups establish boundaries in advance so that everyone in the group knows what can and can not be done. Families establish boundaries when they establish what is and is not acceptable in the family. It is then up to each and every member to honor the established boundary.
The issue in Florida is tragic indeed. What is even more tragic still is that we will not stop and ask ourselves when should we establish clear limits so that we can know that there are things that we will not do? What has been lost in our culture in America is a sense that there is anything that we are willing to stand for such that we would die for what we believe. For me the ultimate in establishing boundaries is the creation of lines in our society that we can all agree we will never cross no matter the consequences. How can we expect our five year old children to have control when we as adults live lives where control over self is no longer a requirement? When anyone in our society can justify the arrest and handcuffing of our youngest children, then we should stand back and take notice that we are living in a world where there are no limits and the result can only then be chaos.
Today the national news showed video footage of the young girl’s actions prior to her arrest. The video also captures the arrest of the young girl. Naturally, the news this morning also gave air time to the Superintendent of the school district the girl attends as well as the attorney now representing the family. All sides have been positioning themselves on this issue and given the state of affairs in our country today and the fact that this took place in Florida, I expect that congressional action is not far behind.
Let me say early on here that it makes no sense to me that anyone, including the police, would ever even think to restrain a five year old with handcuffs of any kind. I am sure that this issue will be discussed fervently by people on both sides of the argument. While this issue is to me very unfortunate, it does speak to a larger issue that is far more in line with the topics I write about on this page. That issue is a prevalent lack of boundaries in our society.
Someone recounted to me recently a story of a young child that kicked them in the shin at a grocery store. This happened in full view of the child’s parent. The parent failed to apologize for the child’s actions, and in fact never took action to remove the child from the situation. Rather, the parent ignored the event and continued with her shopping. In my own town there is a story of a four year old boy that was killed last week when he was hit by a van that may have been driving too fast. At the time of the accident however the four year old was walking home alone from a playground and was hit in the middle of a well traveled street.
Each of the incidents I have described here are isolated occurrences. Yet, I believe that each speaks to a greater problem in our society. That is that we no longer believe in the establishment of boundaries.
A generation ago Malcolm X popularized the term “by any means necessary” as a call to action. Years later, Jack Welch, the former CEO of GE, established the “boundaryless organization” as a way to remove barriers, encourage cooperation and build trust. Today, one of the most popular terms used by young people is “whatever.” Each of these speaks to a sense that anything goes. Somewhere in our subconscious nature each of us is being told that given the right set of circumstances, or for the right reasons, we can do almost anything we choose. We no longer operate by a set of standards. We do not establish rules for acceptable behavior. We can justify and defend almost any action socially, politically, practically or morally. At some point there must be boundaries established. Some things must be deemed to be inappropriate or wrong.
There are laws in nature which are true for every time and every place in the universe. These laws are not subject to interpretation. They are absolutes. The laws of nature are what keep our world in balance. Natural laws do not require our agreement, and our opinions do not change natural laws. We seem to have shifted in our society to a point where we no longer believe in absolutes. Everything is conditional. This presumes that there are times when certain bad behaviors are acceptable. It presumes that human kindness is not required at all times. It further assumes that parents are not responsible for their children, when in fact each of these is incorrect.
As people we need to understand that there are limits. There are behaviors that are unacceptable. There are rules that should be followed without bending, and there will always be consequences for our actions. In our workplaces there are rules for the way that others should be treated. We should follow those rules. There are rules for the proper way to raise children and to teach them to relate to others. Parents should be required to follow those rules because the safety of their children is at stake. Socially there are rules that require us to respect all people and to treat everyone fairly. Breaking those rules without regard to political purposes, or social prejudices causes us all to lose.
Limits, rules and boundaries are all painful. Anytime we find that we just can not do anything that we desire we experience pain. Boundaries require self discipline and sacrifice. But more importantly, they require definition. We define our boundaries when we can say what we believe in and what we stand for. The boundaries are then created by those things that our outside of what we believe, or that do not agree with what we stand for. You can not establish boundaries on the fly. Social groups establish boundaries in advance so that everyone in the group knows what can and can not be done. Families establish boundaries when they establish what is and is not acceptable in the family. It is then up to each and every member to honor the established boundary.
The issue in Florida is tragic indeed. What is even more tragic still is that we will not stop and ask ourselves when should we establish clear limits so that we can know that there are things that we will not do? What has been lost in our culture in America is a sense that there is anything that we are willing to stand for such that we would die for what we believe. For me the ultimate in establishing boundaries is the creation of lines in our society that we can all agree we will never cross no matter the consequences. How can we expect our five year old children to have control when we as adults live lives where control over self is no longer a requirement? When anyone in our society can justify the arrest and handcuffing of our youngest children, then we should stand back and take notice that we are living in a world where there are no limits and the result can only then be chaos.
Friday, April 22, 2005
At Some Point the Dumbness Has to Stop
The other day I was standing with a group of people that I know casually. These were not people that I would make the mistake of referring to as friends, but people that I know through my children’s school, sports activities, and other social events. For the most part there were a number of conversations going on that did not involve me. This worked out well for me and I actually was enjoying spending the time not talking. Finally, someone asked me a question that required that I give them my opinion. Unfortunately, I knew immediately that my opinion on the matter being discussed was going to be unpopular. Yet, that did not keep me from expressing my opinion. Those nearby listening to me were shocked. How in the world could I hold an opinion that did not agree with the opinions of those in the group?
The discussion I was having in this group is not so important. The issue at hand was neither critical nor important. What was most interesting to me was how ill prepared most people are to hear opinions which differ from their own, or that differ from the crowd. It seems that when groups are gathered together that there is little real thinking going on. Rather, most groups just follow along like cattle. One or two people have a point of view, and everyone else seeking to belong either just follows, or tries to find a way to articulate the popular opinion while still sounding like they had an original thought.
My sense is that much of what is going on around us is just plain stupid. People are for the most part just moving nose to butt of the person in front of them. There is no examination of what we are doing, where we are going, and no one dares to question why. We are all generally uncommitted to any point of view or cause. There is just one large mass of people that just tolerate things as they are. Not too long ago a friend had a sign in their office that said “At some point the dumbness has to stop.” The mindless movement from place to place really does need to come to an end.
Two days ago I tuned in to NPR during the lunch hour. They are celebrating Poetry Month and on that day they featured a poem by Taylor Mali titled “Totally like whatever, you know?” This poem talks about the insidious question marks that have crept into our language and have been attaching themselves to sentences, even when the person has no intention of asking a question. Mali goes on to assert that we are generally uncommitted as a society and urges us to develop convictions. You can listen to the poem by following this link: POEM
As I examine the failures I see every day in business, in relationships, and in families I find that most can be traced back to this pervasive lack of commitment. We have become a society that has proven the old adage that says if you stand for nothing you will fall for anything. Independent thought or personal commitment of any kind is so lacking that we are shocked when we encounter anyone that has a genuine point of view. Even more amazing to me is that rather than attempting to reason through another’s viewpoint, we simply become intolerant and therefore dismiss that person.
I am convinced that most of the people I have the good fortune to know are very good people. However, very few are willing to suffer the pain and personal sacrifice that comes with developing a committed point of view. For the most part many of these are very smart people that are just doing very dumb things. They have become tolerant of their lack of commitment because it is much easier than the pain and sacrifice required to change. I know this on a personal level as I see in my own life the areas where having a commitment to an ideal is much harder than just continuing to do what I am doing. Even I need to read what I am writing.
So how do we move from this sense of totally like whatever? I dare to say that we must develop a sense of love and passion. I read once that Ray Kroc (the founder of McDonalds) said that in order to be successful in his business you had to love a hamburger bun. Most studies tell us that seventy percent of people do what they do because it just gets them by. They just tolerate their work, or their customers. This is not just a work problem. Most of us just tolerate our families, our friends and even have a “tolerable existence.” There is little passion in our lives.
I wonder when is the last time you got to ask yourself if you believe in what you are doing. How many of us care about the people around us whether they are customers, family, or friends? Now here is the interesting question. Do you think that others know that you don’t passionately believe in what you are doing? Do you think that your customers, employees, family or friends know that you just tolerate them? While we want to answer these questions in a way that puts us in a good light, it is time to be honest. They know! If they don’t know how you really feel then shame on you for not being genuine.
Are you doing what you are committed to? Can you describe in a sentence or two what you are passionate about? Does anyone else know? I think that it is time for us to believe in something, love something, and do something that we are committed to do. In the short term we will experience pain and sacrifice. In the long run with discipline we will achieve goals that we could never have dreamed possible, and emotionally we will find happiness. At some point the dumbness has to stop.
The discussion I was having in this group is not so important. The issue at hand was neither critical nor important. What was most interesting to me was how ill prepared most people are to hear opinions which differ from their own, or that differ from the crowd. It seems that when groups are gathered together that there is little real thinking going on. Rather, most groups just follow along like cattle. One or two people have a point of view, and everyone else seeking to belong either just follows, or tries to find a way to articulate the popular opinion while still sounding like they had an original thought.
My sense is that much of what is going on around us is just plain stupid. People are for the most part just moving nose to butt of the person in front of them. There is no examination of what we are doing, where we are going, and no one dares to question why. We are all generally uncommitted to any point of view or cause. There is just one large mass of people that just tolerate things as they are. Not too long ago a friend had a sign in their office that said “At some point the dumbness has to stop.” The mindless movement from place to place really does need to come to an end.
Two days ago I tuned in to NPR during the lunch hour. They are celebrating Poetry Month and on that day they featured a poem by Taylor Mali titled “Totally like whatever, you know?” This poem talks about the insidious question marks that have crept into our language and have been attaching themselves to sentences, even when the person has no intention of asking a question. Mali goes on to assert that we are generally uncommitted as a society and urges us to develop convictions. You can listen to the poem by following this link: POEM
As I examine the failures I see every day in business, in relationships, and in families I find that most can be traced back to this pervasive lack of commitment. We have become a society that has proven the old adage that says if you stand for nothing you will fall for anything. Independent thought or personal commitment of any kind is so lacking that we are shocked when we encounter anyone that has a genuine point of view. Even more amazing to me is that rather than attempting to reason through another’s viewpoint, we simply become intolerant and therefore dismiss that person.
I am convinced that most of the people I have the good fortune to know are very good people. However, very few are willing to suffer the pain and personal sacrifice that comes with developing a committed point of view. For the most part many of these are very smart people that are just doing very dumb things. They have become tolerant of their lack of commitment because it is much easier than the pain and sacrifice required to change. I know this on a personal level as I see in my own life the areas where having a commitment to an ideal is much harder than just continuing to do what I am doing. Even I need to read what I am writing.
So how do we move from this sense of totally like whatever? I dare to say that we must develop a sense of love and passion. I read once that Ray Kroc (the founder of McDonalds) said that in order to be successful in his business you had to love a hamburger bun. Most studies tell us that seventy percent of people do what they do because it just gets them by. They just tolerate their work, or their customers. This is not just a work problem. Most of us just tolerate our families, our friends and even have a “tolerable existence.” There is little passion in our lives.
I wonder when is the last time you got to ask yourself if you believe in what you are doing. How many of us care about the people around us whether they are customers, family, or friends? Now here is the interesting question. Do you think that others know that you don’t passionately believe in what you are doing? Do you think that your customers, employees, family or friends know that you just tolerate them? While we want to answer these questions in a way that puts us in a good light, it is time to be honest. They know! If they don’t know how you really feel then shame on you for not being genuine.
Are you doing what you are committed to? Can you describe in a sentence or two what you are passionate about? Does anyone else know? I think that it is time for us to believe in something, love something, and do something that we are committed to do. In the short term we will experience pain and sacrifice. In the long run with discipline we will achieve goals that we could never have dreamed possible, and emotionally we will find happiness. At some point the dumbness has to stop.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Sign Language
I was an adult in the 1970s. Generally that statement does not provide much information except that any person that can add certainly can use that little bit of data to determine my approximate age. Although, the roughly 20 readers of this page pretty much have that little tidbit down so even my age is no secret. I make the statement because most of us that were adults or teenagers in the 70s will recall that in those days a popular question was “What’s Your Sign?” The question related to one’s birth date and their astrological sign. Back then we believed that your sign told us much about your personality, your traits, and even predicted your most suitable mate. The question was also a popular ice breaker or way of initiating a conversation with a member of the opposite sex.
Although I have not heard the question lately I have noticed that we have not gotten away from the whole sign thing. Except now, we don’t have to ask the question for now everyone wears their sign or signs boldly for the entire world to see. The signs are everywhere. Take for example the signs on T-shirts that you will see everywhere this summer if you have not already seen them. These T-shirts say things like “Jesus is my Home Boy or Mary is my Home Girl” of course these signs suggest the religious persuasion of the wearer. Over the past week we could not turn on the television without seeing the signs of the Catholic Cardinals in their red vestment which signifies their position in the Catholic Church.
Perhaps your sign is not quite as obvious as those I mention above. Just walking around town I see many more subtle signs. I saw the ubiquitous white cardboard cups with the green logo on it that signifies that the carrier drinks only the most expensive coffee. I pulled into the parking lot at my children’s school this morning and saw the signs of affluence in the cars parked there. I even saw one woman that had a sign in the form of her purse. It had the designer’s initials emblazoned all over. I think that her sign had something to do with a misplaced sense of value, but hey who am I to criticize her sign.
I guess that in some subtle and sometimes not so subtle way we all wear a sign of a sort. Today at school my sons were given lapel pins by the school’s Head Master. The pins have the word “Leader” written on them to signify their joint achievement as Lead Student for their school. As a proud dad I hugged them today and congratulated them for their accomplishment. Now I wonder if their new sign will change their behavior. Will they now act more like leaders since they have their new sign?
We use signs to label people all of the time. We see a man wearing a turban and that sign we assume tells us all about him. A young woman with a pierced belly button or tongue stud is yet another sign and we all knowing wink to one another having read the sign. A young man with his hat to the side and wearing baggy pants is yet another sign. We read that sign and step away guarding our possessions for his sign tells us that danger is near.
Some of us display our signs because we want others to read them. I have an acquaintance whose signs send totally false messages because they suggest that he is something that he is not. There is a sign in a Seven Eleven near my home that says “Persons wearing dark clothes and ski masks are not permitted in this store.” Now let me think about this one for a minute. Dark clothes and ski masks are the clothing of choice of someone planning to rob the store. At least now I have a great sense of comfort that at my local Seven Eleven robbers that stop to read the sign will not enter. That’s a real comfort for me just because of that sign.
When I was in grade school we sometimes played a joke on our classmates by surreptitiously placing a sign on their back that said “kick me.” Of course then people would walk up and kick the poor sign wearer always excusing themselves saying that the sign asked them to do it. Even though we have all matured so much since those days I wonder how many of us are still wearing those “kick me” signs. How often do we by our choices or actions display a sign that leads to abuse or improper treatment? Perhaps your sign is not so extreme but rather is that look on your face that says don’t approach me. Maybe your sign says “I am arrogant”, or “I have no self-confidence”, or “I don’t belong here.” Perhaps you should, like that kid in grade school, take a moment to reach back and check to see what sign you are wearing. If the sign you wear is not conveying the message that best serves you, then change the sign. Start wearing a smile if you want to be approached. Learn that your arrogance is generally unbecoming or at least usually undeserved. Try wearing a sign of confidence. I can assure you that we are all imperfect and you are no more imperfect than the next person. If someone has placed a sign on you telling you otherwise, ask them to please remove the sign and keep it for themselves.
Signs are everywhere you look and often times they provide excellent advice or information. About a year ago an organization paid to put up signs all across the country that were called “signs from God.” One of my favorites said “That “Love Thy Neighbor” thing... I meant that – God.” To me that was a useful sign. While you are out and about today take some time to read the signs you see on the people you encounter. If you know them well enough you might take a moment to tap them on the shoulder and let them know that someone taped a “kick me” sign on their back and that they should consider removing it. You might just make someone’s day, but then of course you could also just have misread their sign.
Although I have not heard the question lately I have noticed that we have not gotten away from the whole sign thing. Except now, we don’t have to ask the question for now everyone wears their sign or signs boldly for the entire world to see. The signs are everywhere. Take for example the signs on T-shirts that you will see everywhere this summer if you have not already seen them. These T-shirts say things like “Jesus is my Home Boy or Mary is my Home Girl” of course these signs suggest the religious persuasion of the wearer. Over the past week we could not turn on the television without seeing the signs of the Catholic Cardinals in their red vestment which signifies their position in the Catholic Church.
Perhaps your sign is not quite as obvious as those I mention above. Just walking around town I see many more subtle signs. I saw the ubiquitous white cardboard cups with the green logo on it that signifies that the carrier drinks only the most expensive coffee. I pulled into the parking lot at my children’s school this morning and saw the signs of affluence in the cars parked there. I even saw one woman that had a sign in the form of her purse. It had the designer’s initials emblazoned all over. I think that her sign had something to do with a misplaced sense of value, but hey who am I to criticize her sign.
I guess that in some subtle and sometimes not so subtle way we all wear a sign of a sort. Today at school my sons were given lapel pins by the school’s Head Master. The pins have the word “Leader” written on them to signify their joint achievement as Lead Student for their school. As a proud dad I hugged them today and congratulated them for their accomplishment. Now I wonder if their new sign will change their behavior. Will they now act more like leaders since they have their new sign?
We use signs to label people all of the time. We see a man wearing a turban and that sign we assume tells us all about him. A young woman with a pierced belly button or tongue stud is yet another sign and we all knowing wink to one another having read the sign. A young man with his hat to the side and wearing baggy pants is yet another sign. We read that sign and step away guarding our possessions for his sign tells us that danger is near.
Some of us display our signs because we want others to read them. I have an acquaintance whose signs send totally false messages because they suggest that he is something that he is not. There is a sign in a Seven Eleven near my home that says “Persons wearing dark clothes and ski masks are not permitted in this store.” Now let me think about this one for a minute. Dark clothes and ski masks are the clothing of choice of someone planning to rob the store. At least now I have a great sense of comfort that at my local Seven Eleven robbers that stop to read the sign will not enter. That’s a real comfort for me just because of that sign.
When I was in grade school we sometimes played a joke on our classmates by surreptitiously placing a sign on their back that said “kick me.” Of course then people would walk up and kick the poor sign wearer always excusing themselves saying that the sign asked them to do it. Even though we have all matured so much since those days I wonder how many of us are still wearing those “kick me” signs. How often do we by our choices or actions display a sign that leads to abuse or improper treatment? Perhaps your sign is not so extreme but rather is that look on your face that says don’t approach me. Maybe your sign says “I am arrogant”, or “I have no self-confidence”, or “I don’t belong here.” Perhaps you should, like that kid in grade school, take a moment to reach back and check to see what sign you are wearing. If the sign you wear is not conveying the message that best serves you, then change the sign. Start wearing a smile if you want to be approached. Learn that your arrogance is generally unbecoming or at least usually undeserved. Try wearing a sign of confidence. I can assure you that we are all imperfect and you are no more imperfect than the next person. If someone has placed a sign on you telling you otherwise, ask them to please remove the sign and keep it for themselves.
Signs are everywhere you look and often times they provide excellent advice or information. About a year ago an organization paid to put up signs all across the country that were called “signs from God.” One of my favorites said “That “Love Thy Neighbor” thing... I meant that – God.” To me that was a useful sign. While you are out and about today take some time to read the signs you see on the people you encounter. If you know them well enough you might take a moment to tap them on the shoulder and let them know that someone taped a “kick me” sign on their back and that they should consider removing it. You might just make someone’s day, but then of course you could also just have misread their sign.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
It’s Not What You Know, It’s Who You Know
So often in life we find our selves wondering about what it really takes to get ahead. We see one example after another of successful people and we wonder “How did they get that job?” We see people that sometimes have the uncanny ability to be in the right place at the right time. And every one of us knows that person that has a charmed career or is just plain lucky.
I remember early in my work career someone telling me “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.” That was often the explanation that was given for the person that seemed to move up quickly or that seemed to rise far above their abilities. This popular notion has led to networking as an art form with everyone having a differing viewpoint about how to best get to know people that can help your career. I remember so vividly the days of passing out business cards or saying “let’s do lunch” as the common way to make acquaintances and build relationships. There have been books published teaching us the tricks of the masters of networking so that we too can get to know all of the right people. I have read a couple of those books and they do offer sage advice on the art of networking. However, most of those books have tended to focus on what you can get from other people rather than what you can give.
I do not doubt for one moment that knowing the right people can serve you well in life and in business. I have benefited on more than one occasion from knowing someone that could open a door or make an introduction. I have even benefited from my last name when I was a younger Young. Yet, I think that focusing on knowing others can only work well for us if first we endeavor to know ourselves.
One of the things that I have been forced to do these past few years is to ask myself some serious questions. The first question came to me after I read an analogy about a telephone answering machine. The analogy pointed out that an answering machine is really a questioning machine. The machine asks us who we are, and what do we want. Perhaps the people you call have a less direct approach on their voice mail message, but the essence of those messages is to ask you two very important questions. Who are you? What do you want? I also added a third question for myself four years ago. That was, who do I want to be?
Have you taken the time lately to ask yourself one of these questions? Let’s start with the first one. Who are you? For me I know that the answer has changed many times over the years. I can remember a time when who I was could be reflected by how I dressed. Then later who I was could be found on my business card. As I continued to grow older who I was became my car, or my address. It was not until many years had gone by that I came to realize that who I am is best reflected by who people think that I am. My actions, my character, my beliefs should reflect who I am in such a way that all of the external trappings should not be relevant. Who are you?
The second question I was forced to examine is “What do you want?” Here again time has been the great clarifier for me. I can remember when what I wanted reflected my sense of status. My wants related to the wants of others that I admired. I wanted what they had or wanted. My dreams and my vision were not unique. Rather, they were the dreams or visions of having what I observed in others. In my younger years what I wanted could be easily boiled down to those things that satisfied me and me alone, or things that made me look successful. As shallow as that seems looking back, it does reflect my past reality. Now I notice that what I want is to make a difference in the lives of others. My wants have shifted from material possessions to my desire to teach others how to live a more balanced life and to live it earlier than I have done. What do you want?
The final question is “Who do I want to be?” For me this is the question that keeps me living. It is the question that understands that I am not finished yet and that there is so much more to learn, so much more that I can impact, and so much more to do. Who do I want to be allows me to see myself as a work in progress. It fuels my desire to read more, listen to others, and continually practice self examination. What I love most about this final question is that you never really get to complete the answer. It is the question that defines the road ahead, but the answers are always just around the next bend. I caution you here as this question and the answers you will find are no picnic.
Have you taken responsibility for who you are? Have you taken the time to examine yourself? I once read that coping with difficult people is always a problem, especially if the difficult person is you. Sometimes we are our own worse enemy. It is time to call a truce. Stop letting the person you are ruin your relationships, waste your money, or damage your health. You can start by networking with yourself. Imagine meeting yourself at a party. Ask yourself the questions you might ask of someone you really wanted to get to know. Ask a friend to tell you about yourself in the same manner that you would ask that friend about a person you wanted to meet. Finally, armed with your new information about this new person in your life, make decisions about who you want to be. It is never too late to become what you might have been.
The following words were written on the tomb of an Anglican bishop who lived in the eleventh century:
When I was young and free my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. But it too, seemed immovable. As I grew in my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it. And now as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realized: If I had only changed my self first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed my world.
Perhaps today is the day to take a good look at you and ask “Who am I, What do I want, Who do I want to be?
I remember early in my work career someone telling me “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.” That was often the explanation that was given for the person that seemed to move up quickly or that seemed to rise far above their abilities. This popular notion has led to networking as an art form with everyone having a differing viewpoint about how to best get to know people that can help your career. I remember so vividly the days of passing out business cards or saying “let’s do lunch” as the common way to make acquaintances and build relationships. There have been books published teaching us the tricks of the masters of networking so that we too can get to know all of the right people. I have read a couple of those books and they do offer sage advice on the art of networking. However, most of those books have tended to focus on what you can get from other people rather than what you can give.
I do not doubt for one moment that knowing the right people can serve you well in life and in business. I have benefited on more than one occasion from knowing someone that could open a door or make an introduction. I have even benefited from my last name when I was a younger Young. Yet, I think that focusing on knowing others can only work well for us if first we endeavor to know ourselves.
One of the things that I have been forced to do these past few years is to ask myself some serious questions. The first question came to me after I read an analogy about a telephone answering machine. The analogy pointed out that an answering machine is really a questioning machine. The machine asks us who we are, and what do we want. Perhaps the people you call have a less direct approach on their voice mail message, but the essence of those messages is to ask you two very important questions. Who are you? What do you want? I also added a third question for myself four years ago. That was, who do I want to be?
Have you taken the time lately to ask yourself one of these questions? Let’s start with the first one. Who are you? For me I know that the answer has changed many times over the years. I can remember a time when who I was could be reflected by how I dressed. Then later who I was could be found on my business card. As I continued to grow older who I was became my car, or my address. It was not until many years had gone by that I came to realize that who I am is best reflected by who people think that I am. My actions, my character, my beliefs should reflect who I am in such a way that all of the external trappings should not be relevant. Who are you?
The second question I was forced to examine is “What do you want?” Here again time has been the great clarifier for me. I can remember when what I wanted reflected my sense of status. My wants related to the wants of others that I admired. I wanted what they had or wanted. My dreams and my vision were not unique. Rather, they were the dreams or visions of having what I observed in others. In my younger years what I wanted could be easily boiled down to those things that satisfied me and me alone, or things that made me look successful. As shallow as that seems looking back, it does reflect my past reality. Now I notice that what I want is to make a difference in the lives of others. My wants have shifted from material possessions to my desire to teach others how to live a more balanced life and to live it earlier than I have done. What do you want?
The final question is “Who do I want to be?” For me this is the question that keeps me living. It is the question that understands that I am not finished yet and that there is so much more to learn, so much more that I can impact, and so much more to do. Who do I want to be allows me to see myself as a work in progress. It fuels my desire to read more, listen to others, and continually practice self examination. What I love most about this final question is that you never really get to complete the answer. It is the question that defines the road ahead, but the answers are always just around the next bend. I caution you here as this question and the answers you will find are no picnic.
Have you taken responsibility for who you are? Have you taken the time to examine yourself? I once read that coping with difficult people is always a problem, especially if the difficult person is you. Sometimes we are our own worse enemy. It is time to call a truce. Stop letting the person you are ruin your relationships, waste your money, or damage your health. You can start by networking with yourself. Imagine meeting yourself at a party. Ask yourself the questions you might ask of someone you really wanted to get to know. Ask a friend to tell you about yourself in the same manner that you would ask that friend about a person you wanted to meet. Finally, armed with your new information about this new person in your life, make decisions about who you want to be. It is never too late to become what you might have been.
The following words were written on the tomb of an Anglican bishop who lived in the eleventh century:
When I was young and free my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. But it too, seemed immovable. As I grew in my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it. And now as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realized: If I had only changed my self first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed my world.
Perhaps today is the day to take a good look at you and ask “Who am I, What do I want, Who do I want to be?
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Are You Listening?
More than fifteen years ago I had a casual conversation with a friend and mentor that changed my way of thinking about dealing with people. In that conversation my friend said to me that all people want to be understood, accepted, valued, and part of a trusting relationship. He was giving me this advice as I was preparing to make a presentation for a prospective client for my young company. However, the words struck me and stayed with me far beyond the presentation that I was preparing on that day. Since then I have thought back to that conversation and have incorporated his comments into my personal philosophy, and have taught this to others over the years. Today I want to focus on just one aspect of this philosophy which is the need for people to be understood.
In Franklin Covey’s Seven Habits of highly successful people Habit five is “Seek first to understand then to be understood.” This is called the habit of empathic listening. When listening empathically we seek to truly understand what the other person is saying. We listen deeply. In listening deeply we have the chance to see the world from the perspective of the other person, rather than the more typical sort of listening which is when we listen for clues that relate to our own experiences, knowledge or point of view. As soon as we hear one of those triggers, we jump into response mode and begin our own dialogue usually ignoring what the other person said.
Each of us yearns to be understood. Those of us that spend time writing exercise our craft in an effort to get our message out to the world. Writing creates a unique opportunity for understanding because writing is a unilateral dialogue. We have the opportunity when writing to flesh out our thoughts without immediate commentary criticism or interruption. While this is certainly a form of communication, even when writing we can not be assured that our message is understood. Even as a reader reads these words an autobiographical tape is running through their head. Those thoughts are the real impediments to truly understanding another.
People want to be understood. You and I and everyone we know have a deep need to be understood. We want people to listen to us. We want them to connect with our feelings. When we communicate we are reaching out. Sometimes that communication is us reaching out for advice or answers. At other times we just need a sympathetic ear. And at still other times we just need an audience so that we can talk out loud and sort out our thoughts for ourselves. The key as a listener is to know which of these responses is being required of you, and then act accordingly.
I must admit here that I am probably most guilty of failing to listen. Just yesterday I was engaged in a conversation where my wife was asking me a question. If you have ever watched the television show Jeopardy then this scenario will sound familiar. My wife was about half way through what she was saying when I interrupted her and gave her the answer. She immediately hit the buzzer and pointed out that my answer had nothing to do with what was ultimately her question. I had given a great answer to the wrong question. The reason this happened was that as usual I was not listening. I stopped in my tracks, let her finish, confirmed that I now understood the actual question, and then and only then was I able to provide an answer. This scenario has been played out far too often in my personal and professional life.
In order to truly understand another we need to slow down our own expectations. Most of us think that we are required to give immediate and brilliant answers to every question as though we were competing on a game show. We blurt out answers without understanding the question. We slam on the buzzer in mid conversation interrupting the other person quickly telling them how the same thing happened to us, or “when I was your age”, or “you think that is something, let me tell you.”
In a recent telephone conversation I was intent on listening to the problem being described by a friend. At the beginning of the conversation my friend said “I want to ask you a question.” As my friend talked I just listened intensely. I worked hard on turning off the monitor in my head that typically sorts out answers and scenarios. I turned off that little voice with the quick answer or witty reply. I just sat there and listened. After a point my friend stopped and said “hello, are you still there?” I responded that yes I was but I was just listening. We laughed together as this is something I do so rarely that my friend was convinced that we had been disconnected. My friend then went on discussing the problem. At the end we both realized that she really had not wanted to ask a question, but rather just wanted to talk about her current situation. We both got a huge laugh from that but we learned a valuable lesson. Just listening was all that was required in that conversation. In fact in that conversation no question was actually asked. My friend just wanted to be understood. The problem was not solved in that conversation, but both my friend and I felt as though we had truly communicated in that moment.
In order to understand people we must learn to listen. Learn to look directly into the eyes of the person you are talking to. At first this will typically scare both you and the person you are talking to. Most of us are inexperienced with paying close attention. Practice this skill. Next, make sure that your responses are only questions for clarification, or words that acknowledge that you are listening. Finally, when the other person is done talking, make sure that you review what you heard them tell you and take the time to ask them if you understood what they were saying. Listen again as they clarify their point in response to your question. All the while practice looking at the person, and giving them your full attention. And by the way, if you are doing this on the telephone it might be helpful if every so often you say a word or two just to let the person know you are still on the line.
As I write this today I am aware of several instances over the past couple of days when I was not listening very well. Today I am going to go back to apologize to those people to let them know that I did not seek to understand them. I can’t go back to those moments but I can redouble my efforts to become a better listener. I can practice listening empathically, and I can concentrate on not interrupting or telling my personal story in conversations. I am a better listener today than I have ever been. Still, there are times when I fail in this area. Today is a practice day for me. So if we engage in a conversation today please know that I am listening. If all you do is read this then thanks for listening to my point of view.
In Franklin Covey’s Seven Habits of highly successful people Habit five is “Seek first to understand then to be understood.” This is called the habit of empathic listening. When listening empathically we seek to truly understand what the other person is saying. We listen deeply. In listening deeply we have the chance to see the world from the perspective of the other person, rather than the more typical sort of listening which is when we listen for clues that relate to our own experiences, knowledge or point of view. As soon as we hear one of those triggers, we jump into response mode and begin our own dialogue usually ignoring what the other person said.
Each of us yearns to be understood. Those of us that spend time writing exercise our craft in an effort to get our message out to the world. Writing creates a unique opportunity for understanding because writing is a unilateral dialogue. We have the opportunity when writing to flesh out our thoughts without immediate commentary criticism or interruption. While this is certainly a form of communication, even when writing we can not be assured that our message is understood. Even as a reader reads these words an autobiographical tape is running through their head. Those thoughts are the real impediments to truly understanding another.
People want to be understood. You and I and everyone we know have a deep need to be understood. We want people to listen to us. We want them to connect with our feelings. When we communicate we are reaching out. Sometimes that communication is us reaching out for advice or answers. At other times we just need a sympathetic ear. And at still other times we just need an audience so that we can talk out loud and sort out our thoughts for ourselves. The key as a listener is to know which of these responses is being required of you, and then act accordingly.
I must admit here that I am probably most guilty of failing to listen. Just yesterday I was engaged in a conversation where my wife was asking me a question. If you have ever watched the television show Jeopardy then this scenario will sound familiar. My wife was about half way through what she was saying when I interrupted her and gave her the answer. She immediately hit the buzzer and pointed out that my answer had nothing to do with what was ultimately her question. I had given a great answer to the wrong question. The reason this happened was that as usual I was not listening. I stopped in my tracks, let her finish, confirmed that I now understood the actual question, and then and only then was I able to provide an answer. This scenario has been played out far too often in my personal and professional life.
In order to truly understand another we need to slow down our own expectations. Most of us think that we are required to give immediate and brilliant answers to every question as though we were competing on a game show. We blurt out answers without understanding the question. We slam on the buzzer in mid conversation interrupting the other person quickly telling them how the same thing happened to us, or “when I was your age”, or “you think that is something, let me tell you.”
In a recent telephone conversation I was intent on listening to the problem being described by a friend. At the beginning of the conversation my friend said “I want to ask you a question.” As my friend talked I just listened intensely. I worked hard on turning off the monitor in my head that typically sorts out answers and scenarios. I turned off that little voice with the quick answer or witty reply. I just sat there and listened. After a point my friend stopped and said “hello, are you still there?” I responded that yes I was but I was just listening. We laughed together as this is something I do so rarely that my friend was convinced that we had been disconnected. My friend then went on discussing the problem. At the end we both realized that she really had not wanted to ask a question, but rather just wanted to talk about her current situation. We both got a huge laugh from that but we learned a valuable lesson. Just listening was all that was required in that conversation. In fact in that conversation no question was actually asked. My friend just wanted to be understood. The problem was not solved in that conversation, but both my friend and I felt as though we had truly communicated in that moment.
In order to understand people we must learn to listen. Learn to look directly into the eyes of the person you are talking to. At first this will typically scare both you and the person you are talking to. Most of us are inexperienced with paying close attention. Practice this skill. Next, make sure that your responses are only questions for clarification, or words that acknowledge that you are listening. Finally, when the other person is done talking, make sure that you review what you heard them tell you and take the time to ask them if you understood what they were saying. Listen again as they clarify their point in response to your question. All the while practice looking at the person, and giving them your full attention. And by the way, if you are doing this on the telephone it might be helpful if every so often you say a word or two just to let the person know you are still on the line.
As I write this today I am aware of several instances over the past couple of days when I was not listening very well. Today I am going to go back to apologize to those people to let them know that I did not seek to understand them. I can’t go back to those moments but I can redouble my efforts to become a better listener. I can practice listening empathically, and I can concentrate on not interrupting or telling my personal story in conversations. I am a better listener today than I have ever been. Still, there are times when I fail in this area. Today is a practice day for me. So if we engage in a conversation today please know that I am listening. If all you do is read this then thanks for listening to my point of view.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
What We Believe
One of the weekly rituals I have established for myself is to read my personal mission statement. I have done this fairly consistently now for the past two years. I try to read the statement on Monday of each week. This week did not start off well and so I did not take the time to read the statement until today. My mission statement is a personal map. It reminds me of who I am and where I am going. It is helpful to me every week as a reminder of what it is that my life is all about. I use it to reorient my direction when I find that I need to make minor course adjustments.
Thinking about my mission statement today reminded me of how important it is to take a moment to remind ourselves of who we are. Every time I read the statement I experience a swell of emotion. This is true not so much because it is well written, but rather because it inspires me to be true to myself. It moves my thoughts away from the problems of the moment and causes me to think about the future. It adjusts my perspective in a way that always leaves me hopeful and encouraged.
Writing a personal mission caused me to spend time thinking about what I believe. This is not so much a question of religious doctrine, but rather an overview of the things that are important in my life. Living your life in a manner that is consistent with what you believe is challenging. Every day we encounter people that seem to achieve enviable levels of success while living their lives in a manner with which we might not agree. Many times these people are our bosses, our leaders, or even our spouses or close friends. We can become frustrated or even angry when we see examples of people that seem not to live by our value standards.
The challenge we face is how do we remain true to who we are when we encounter those that have completely different points of view? I think that the answer lies in having a sense of humility. For centuries wars have been waged and lives have been lost when people of differing points of view have been brought together. In the corporate world while not as dramatic we see similar effects. Brilliant careers have gone off track, employees have lost jobs, and CEOs have been fired when they have encountered those that hold different beliefs. Both history and work experience have taught me that right does not always win. Simply having the proper values and beliefs does not translate into success. Success is found in being true to ourselves and those we serve.
If asked most people would consider themselves to be humble. Yet, this is a virtue that is mostly misunderstood. Humility requires that we consider ourselves to be less than everyone else. This includes those that we know are wrong. We lose sight of the need to be humble when we act on our urge to correct those that we observe making a mistake. We lack humility when we criticize or find fault. When we defend what is right we can often make ourselves appear to be “holier than thou” or superior to those that we confront. The natural response to our admonishment is resistance. Sometimes a fervent battle for what is right may be the right fight. However, usually it is the right fight at the wrong time and is conducted in the wrong manner.
Still, it is important to remain true to our beliefs. We must always make sure that our example is consistent with what we believe in. The best way to help others see the error in their ways is to continually live up to the values we espouse. Generally, we will not win awards or achieve recognition for living a life consistent with our values. But when we add humility to our value system we can live expecting that we are less than those that we serve. In this understanding we achieve a level of truth to ourselves, and we offer a demonstration to the world. This consistency is its own reward.
I often use an inverted triangle to make this point visually. If every leader imagined that they were at the bottom of an inverted triangle they would notice two things. First and most obvious is the fact that at the bottom of the triangle everyone else is above them. These are the people that we serve. As leaders we should serve everyone and not ourselves. Second and most important, at the bottom of the triangle there is the least amount of room to move to the left or right. This for me reflects the lack of freedom and intense responsibility of leadership. With no room to move to the left or right we must live consistent with our values. There is no wiggle room. We must practice what we believe because when we do not everyone can clearly see that we are not being true our stated values. Of course, this is just what I believe. It is entirely possible that you believe something completely different, and I guess that is the whole point of this article.
Thinking about my mission statement today reminded me of how important it is to take a moment to remind ourselves of who we are. Every time I read the statement I experience a swell of emotion. This is true not so much because it is well written, but rather because it inspires me to be true to myself. It moves my thoughts away from the problems of the moment and causes me to think about the future. It adjusts my perspective in a way that always leaves me hopeful and encouraged.
Writing a personal mission caused me to spend time thinking about what I believe. This is not so much a question of religious doctrine, but rather an overview of the things that are important in my life. Living your life in a manner that is consistent with what you believe is challenging. Every day we encounter people that seem to achieve enviable levels of success while living their lives in a manner with which we might not agree. Many times these people are our bosses, our leaders, or even our spouses or close friends. We can become frustrated or even angry when we see examples of people that seem not to live by our value standards.
The challenge we face is how do we remain true to who we are when we encounter those that have completely different points of view? I think that the answer lies in having a sense of humility. For centuries wars have been waged and lives have been lost when people of differing points of view have been brought together. In the corporate world while not as dramatic we see similar effects. Brilliant careers have gone off track, employees have lost jobs, and CEOs have been fired when they have encountered those that hold different beliefs. Both history and work experience have taught me that right does not always win. Simply having the proper values and beliefs does not translate into success. Success is found in being true to ourselves and those we serve.
If asked most people would consider themselves to be humble. Yet, this is a virtue that is mostly misunderstood. Humility requires that we consider ourselves to be less than everyone else. This includes those that we know are wrong. We lose sight of the need to be humble when we act on our urge to correct those that we observe making a mistake. We lack humility when we criticize or find fault. When we defend what is right we can often make ourselves appear to be “holier than thou” or superior to those that we confront. The natural response to our admonishment is resistance. Sometimes a fervent battle for what is right may be the right fight. However, usually it is the right fight at the wrong time and is conducted in the wrong manner.
Still, it is important to remain true to our beliefs. We must always make sure that our example is consistent with what we believe in. The best way to help others see the error in their ways is to continually live up to the values we espouse. Generally, we will not win awards or achieve recognition for living a life consistent with our values. But when we add humility to our value system we can live expecting that we are less than those that we serve. In this understanding we achieve a level of truth to ourselves, and we offer a demonstration to the world. This consistency is its own reward.
I often use an inverted triangle to make this point visually. If every leader imagined that they were at the bottom of an inverted triangle they would notice two things. First and most obvious is the fact that at the bottom of the triangle everyone else is above them. These are the people that we serve. As leaders we should serve everyone and not ourselves. Second and most important, at the bottom of the triangle there is the least amount of room to move to the left or right. This for me reflects the lack of freedom and intense responsibility of leadership. With no room to move to the left or right we must live consistent with our values. There is no wiggle room. We must practice what we believe because when we do not everyone can clearly see that we are not being true our stated values. Of course, this is just what I believe. It is entirely possible that you believe something completely different, and I guess that is the whole point of this article.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Getting Your Head Above the Clouds
Returning from a recent business trip I arrived at the airport early. After a long day of meetings I appreciated having the opportunity to sit down and relax quietly for a few minutes in advance of my flight home. It had been a busy couple of days when I found myself flying into four different cities. The end of this trip was welcome and I was anxious to get home to familiar territory.
Boarding my plane I checked my boarding pass only to realize that I was seated near the back of the plane, and also next to the window. My preference is always to have an isle seat. This gives me just enough room to stretch my long legs as much as possible. I also even appreciate the occasional interruption from seat mates that need to use the rest room. Again providing a further opportunity to get up and stretch. I was disappointed when I realized that for this flight I would be crammed into the window side. I was also a bit preoccupied and so I did not think that I would just be able to sleep through the flight. For the first time in years I found my self just staring out the window watching the landscape fly by.
The afternoon was clear and it was early enough that there was still light. As I sat staring out the window the first thing I noticed was just how slowly the things on the ground were passing by. The few vehicles I could make out on the highways below seemed to be just meandering by my window. Flying over hills, or stretches of green seemed to last forever and we just seemed to be floating. I saw trails of vehicles during this flight reminding me that below I was passing by rush hour traffic in some areas. All of this seemed to register with me but it was not until yesterday that it all became immensely clear.
Yesterday I had one of those afternoons that many parents complain about. My children played their first game of Little League Baseball yesterday. We were required to get them to the field by 5:30 for a 6:00 game. We prepared and planned for the events of this evening telling the boys that they should work on homework during the day at free time. We also asked them to organize their equipment in advance so that the sports bags could be placed in the car. We planned to eat out near the field which would reduce our commuting time to get to the game, and picked a fast food restaurant that would also work as a way station where we could complete homework before the game thus not extending our evening any more than was necessary. We picked up the boys at 3:30 from school. We were able to get to the restaurant, have dinner, complete homework, and have the boys change into their baseball clothes all by 5:15. A short drive to the field had us arriving right on time even though the coaches had not arrived when we got there. Somehow our planning had worked out for a change. The scheduling was hectic but we accomplished our goal.
The baseball game was for us uneventful except that one of the children was hit in the nose by an errant pitch from a twelve year old pitcher whose primary ability was speed over accuracy. That seemed to shake the boys up a bit but did not deter their enthusiasm. We lost the game however by a wide margin and one of my sons was disappointed that he did not get a hit. He seemed to have forgotten that he spent most of his time in the batter’s box jumping away from any ball that seemed close less he suffer the fate of his teammate with the bloody nose.
The game ended at about 7:30 leaving us just enough time to drive home, stop in the park to practice actually hitting the ball and staying in the batter’s box, and allow the boys to have a snack. All in all we got them in bed by 9:00 which is a bit later than normal but not exceptional.
Here is what struck me comparing these two different evenings. In both cases I was able to start out planning to accomplish a stated goal. Both required a fair amount of organization and planning. In the case of the plane trip the goal was to arrive on time and safely board the flight to get home by a reasonable hour. In the case of baseball the goal was to accomplish the other important tasks such as dinner and homework while still allowing for a fun activity during the week. However, I experienced these two events differently because in the first case I managed to get my head above the clouds. In the second case I was down among the trees watching everything whiz by. The physical exertion required of me on both evenings was fairly equal. Yet, yesterday I felt far more tired at the end of the day than I did after the plane flight. And to be fair in my assessment, in both cases I was able to sit for about one and a half hours, first on the airplane and in the other instance on the bleachers at the ballpark.
What I have concluded from these two events is that we all need to spend some time with our head up in the clouds. From that vantage point we have a unique chance to watch the world go by much more slowly. While things below might be just as hectic, getting above the clouds slows down our perspective. While I was sitting above the clouds I was still moving forward towards my stated goals. Yet, the emotional experience of achieving those goals was distinctly different. Down among the trees the pace is faster. We don’t get an opportunity to look around and see what else is going on. Down among the trees we are caught up in the moment, and we experience things like the kid that gets hit in the nose. Feelings and emotions are magnified, even though it might not be happening to us. Down among the trees we sometimes swing and miss and the dust from the field can at times get in your face. We experience success and failure, wins and losses and we take the time to practice those skills that have gotten rusty.
We spend far too much of our time down among the trees. Naturally, this is where the action is. However, I am suggesting that we need to make sure that we find more time to get ourselves up above the clouds. The pace is much slower there and your perspective widens. Somehow, time spent above the clouds helps us to be better equipped for the moments when that kid gets hit in the nose. Having had a chance to take a step back we can realize that even in that painful event a lesson was learned. It pays to keep your eye on the ball, and sometimes, it is just best to duck.
Boarding my plane I checked my boarding pass only to realize that I was seated near the back of the plane, and also next to the window. My preference is always to have an isle seat. This gives me just enough room to stretch my long legs as much as possible. I also even appreciate the occasional interruption from seat mates that need to use the rest room. Again providing a further opportunity to get up and stretch. I was disappointed when I realized that for this flight I would be crammed into the window side. I was also a bit preoccupied and so I did not think that I would just be able to sleep through the flight. For the first time in years I found my self just staring out the window watching the landscape fly by.
The afternoon was clear and it was early enough that there was still light. As I sat staring out the window the first thing I noticed was just how slowly the things on the ground were passing by. The few vehicles I could make out on the highways below seemed to be just meandering by my window. Flying over hills, or stretches of green seemed to last forever and we just seemed to be floating. I saw trails of vehicles during this flight reminding me that below I was passing by rush hour traffic in some areas. All of this seemed to register with me but it was not until yesterday that it all became immensely clear.
Yesterday I had one of those afternoons that many parents complain about. My children played their first game of Little League Baseball yesterday. We were required to get them to the field by 5:30 for a 6:00 game. We prepared and planned for the events of this evening telling the boys that they should work on homework during the day at free time. We also asked them to organize their equipment in advance so that the sports bags could be placed in the car. We planned to eat out near the field which would reduce our commuting time to get to the game, and picked a fast food restaurant that would also work as a way station where we could complete homework before the game thus not extending our evening any more than was necessary. We picked up the boys at 3:30 from school. We were able to get to the restaurant, have dinner, complete homework, and have the boys change into their baseball clothes all by 5:15. A short drive to the field had us arriving right on time even though the coaches had not arrived when we got there. Somehow our planning had worked out for a change. The scheduling was hectic but we accomplished our goal.
The baseball game was for us uneventful except that one of the children was hit in the nose by an errant pitch from a twelve year old pitcher whose primary ability was speed over accuracy. That seemed to shake the boys up a bit but did not deter their enthusiasm. We lost the game however by a wide margin and one of my sons was disappointed that he did not get a hit. He seemed to have forgotten that he spent most of his time in the batter’s box jumping away from any ball that seemed close less he suffer the fate of his teammate with the bloody nose.
The game ended at about 7:30 leaving us just enough time to drive home, stop in the park to practice actually hitting the ball and staying in the batter’s box, and allow the boys to have a snack. All in all we got them in bed by 9:00 which is a bit later than normal but not exceptional.
Here is what struck me comparing these two different evenings. In both cases I was able to start out planning to accomplish a stated goal. Both required a fair amount of organization and planning. In the case of the plane trip the goal was to arrive on time and safely board the flight to get home by a reasonable hour. In the case of baseball the goal was to accomplish the other important tasks such as dinner and homework while still allowing for a fun activity during the week. However, I experienced these two events differently because in the first case I managed to get my head above the clouds. In the second case I was down among the trees watching everything whiz by. The physical exertion required of me on both evenings was fairly equal. Yet, yesterday I felt far more tired at the end of the day than I did after the plane flight. And to be fair in my assessment, in both cases I was able to sit for about one and a half hours, first on the airplane and in the other instance on the bleachers at the ballpark.
What I have concluded from these two events is that we all need to spend some time with our head up in the clouds. From that vantage point we have a unique chance to watch the world go by much more slowly. While things below might be just as hectic, getting above the clouds slows down our perspective. While I was sitting above the clouds I was still moving forward towards my stated goals. Yet, the emotional experience of achieving those goals was distinctly different. Down among the trees the pace is faster. We don’t get an opportunity to look around and see what else is going on. Down among the trees we are caught up in the moment, and we experience things like the kid that gets hit in the nose. Feelings and emotions are magnified, even though it might not be happening to us. Down among the trees we sometimes swing and miss and the dust from the field can at times get in your face. We experience success and failure, wins and losses and we take the time to practice those skills that have gotten rusty.
We spend far too much of our time down among the trees. Naturally, this is where the action is. However, I am suggesting that we need to make sure that we find more time to get ourselves up above the clouds. The pace is much slower there and your perspective widens. Somehow, time spent above the clouds helps us to be better equipped for the moments when that kid gets hit in the nose. Having had a chance to take a step back we can realize that even in that painful event a lesson was learned. It pays to keep your eye on the ball, and sometimes, it is just best to duck.
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