Discovering What We Want

On Saturday mornings we ride bikes. This was one of the unspoken rules of a group of grown men that for a brief time became known as the “Beechers.” There were many rules in this group of neighbors, most of whom where in their early fifties. There were macho rules like don’t ever quit or say you are tired. There were drafting rules that dictated that every rider would spend some time at the front allowing the other riders to draft off of them. There were even rules that dictated how far we would ride before we stopped for breakfast. Each of these rules was never voted upon, or decided, as this group had no real leader. This was just a group of guys that decided together that on Saturday mornings we ride bikes.

Over the years the “members” of the Beechers changed from time to time. We added to our number as more of the men in the neighborhood decided to ride with us. There was even a time, although very brief, when some of the neighborhood women would join our Saturday morning rides. These rides would consist of 25 to 35 mile treks from our Northside neighborhood, to points in the suburbs. Where we went depended upon the distance we planned to travel that day, which was one of the few things that was decided in advance. The most consistent riders among the Beechers were Larry and Dan. For a while the group included John, Mark, Bob, Chip, Jim, and me. I was the youngest in the group.

During our rides we rode hard and we talked. We talked about politics, religion, sex, the military, and life. Many of these topics led to heated discussions, and at times tempers would flare. However, the good thing about doing this while riding a bike is that even if you are angry, you are still perhaps 15 miles from home so you just might as well get over it. I learned a lot during those rides, but mostly I learned about the people that I called my neighbors and later began to call them my friends. The friendships that evolved from those rides have endured for nearly 20 years.

Our riding days together preceeded Lance Armstrong’s victories in the Tour de France. We also began riding together in the years before the rising popularity of all-terrain or mountain bikes. We rode racing bikes. These bikes were light weight, had small tires, and could easily reach speeds of 45 miles an hour going down hills. We all knew this for a fact as each of us equipped our bikes with speedometers, and odometers to track our rides. It was not uncommon at the end of a ride that someone would check their top speed and let us know that at one point we had been traveling at 47 miles per hour. It was this speed that made these rides dangerous. Many of us have watched in horror on television as riders fall off of their bikes. When watching a race we see how quickly an accident can happen and television cameras show us the damage to both the bike and the rider. Each of us that rode together knows first hand the risks of taking long rides through the city on a racing bike. Almost to a man we each suffered accidents of varying severity. Bruised ribs, broken legs, broken collar bones, or concussions are badges we all wear.

Two days ago Dan had an accident on his bike. His accident is by far the most severe that any of us have suffered. Dan shattered his hip, broke his collar bone, broke several ribs, and damaged his lung. Fortunately, as has been our practice, Dan was wearing his helmet and suffered no damage to his head. Dan is 62 years old.

I visited Dan in the Trauma unit yesterday. He was pretty banged up. After talking about the events surrounding his accident, we started one of those bicycle conversations. We began talking about what people want. Dan owns a business. He is married to a lovely woman that is an award winning artist and retired teacher. He has two attractive and well educated adult daughters, and two grandchildren. He has a beautiful home, and two late model automobiles. By most measures Dan is successful. But at that moment, there in the trauma unit, I realized that Dan would have easily traded places with me as I stood while he was lying there with his leg in traction. At the same time, I believe that had I been the one lying there in traction, Dan would also have gladly traded places with me. Life can be fickle among friends.

More than 15 years ago while standing in the alley street behind our homes Dan taught me what people want. He told me then that people want to be understood, accepted, valued, and part of a trusting relationship. I have shared Dan’s philosophy with many people since that day. I even have friends that will call me on the telephone to remind them about Dan’s philosophy. For years I have tried to find a way to make Dan’s philosophy more easily transferable to others. I often wrote down the letters U, A, V, and T, trying to find a way to make those letters make sense. On the eve of Dan’s accident at 1:30 in the morning I finally realized what was missing. The answer is love. The thing that Dan’s philosophy did not include was that people want to be loved.

As Dan, his wife Holly, and I talked there in the Trauma unit we agreed that when we add the word “loved” to Dan’s philosophy, we get five letters that help us to understand and grasp what we really want. We have been programmed by marketers of all kinds to think that we want wealth, or power, or material possessions. We are constantly bombarded by messages that tell us to “trust me”, “watch me”, “listen to me”, “and be like me.” All of these messages have taken away our ability to focus in the moment.

In the moment, we can see clearly. In the moment, we can understand what we really want. Talking to Dan in the Trauma unit we experienced one of those “in the moment” times. Dan made the message so very clear to me. He said “Harvey, we can help people see what is inside the vault”. What is inside is not wealth. The vault does not contain material goods. The vault does not demand that you look like me, or listen to me. But inside the vault there is power that is immeasurable.

Take a look inside the vault and you can learn the secret to what people really want. The secret is what you want too. Inside you will learn this: People want to be Valued, Accepted, Understood, Loved, and part of a Trusting relationship. That is the simple secret of what is inside the vault.

My friend Dan has a long road to recovery. I know that he is going to do well. I know this because Dan already understands what was inside the vault. He lives his life with the clarity of being in the moment. Dan’s message, this message, is one that everyone should hear. In the coming days I will begin to outline how we can live our lives in a way that brings us what we want.

Running Through Our Fears

I started running when I was a child growing up in Philadelphia. When I started I did not so much run for fitness but rather as part of the games I played when I walked to or from school. The games consisted of trying to see how far away I could get from a certain point in so many seconds. I would pretend that a bomb was going to explode at a point. My objective was to be so many feet or yards away in order to be safe. These games were like spy games that I played when I was around twelve years old.

I took up running as a part of my fitness routine later when I was seventeen. At that time I ran as a way to relax and escape the pressures of school and work. I would run anywhere from three to five miles each day. Quite a few years have gone by since then, and I do still run on occasion as a part of my fitness routine. However, most of my aerobic exercise these days consists of riding a stationary bike, taking long walks, or walking two to three miles on a treadmill. Running long distance no longer appeals to me physically as the recovery time for my body has gotten longer and longer over the years. Still, I run on occasion because I still like the feeling of gliding through the air swiftly moving from place to place under my own power. I also like the rhythm. If you have ever run or had the chance to listen to the footsteps of a runner you know that there is a consistent rhythm to running. When you run for distance you fall into a cadence. This is a soothing sound that creates a rhythm as each foot strikes the ground. Runners use this cadence as a feedback system that helps them to know that they are on whatever pace they have set. After running for a number of years experienced runners can hear that cadence in their heads and can differentiate between the cadence of a seven minute mile and a nine minute mile. Even though I now run infrequently, I can still hear the pace in my head.

When I began running all those years ago I always considered it a solitary activity. Because running is something you can do with very little advance planning, most of my running time was through city streets or sometimes in a park when there was one nearby. I never imagined then that someday I might have the chance to run with my own children. Yet, yesterday I had just such an opportunity.

I committed to run daily with my sons as part of helping them to prepare for the soccer season. We had been talking about the need to become fit in order to effectively play most sports. In soccer in particular, I had noticed that my boys would tire in the late portions of their games. While they seemed no more tired than the other children, it occurred to me that my boys were finally at an age when we could begin to do some conditioning work. So, we committed to run a mile each day.

I realized yesterday that children don’t run distance anymore. In fact there is not much in the way of physical fitness required of young children in our schools. The result is that before yesterday only one of my sons had ever actually run a mile. And even for that son, he ran his first mile only the day before. Additionally, I understood that for my son Alex, the thought of running a mile was really not on his personal radar screen. Still, like most young boys he wanted to keep pace with his brother and if for no other reason he wanted to give it a try.

My children are only ten and so we did not want to run in the city streets. At the same time, I did not want to turn this outing into a production that would require us to go to a formal track to run laps. So we decided that we would go to Heinz Field, home of the Pittsburgh Steelers, and run around the circumference of the building. Our plan was to run around the building as many times as was necessary to complete our mile. We knew that this would afford us a continuous stretch of sidewalk on which we could run safely. It also did not hurt that the field is only a few blocks from our home and we could easily walk there and back.

When we arrived at the field we began our run. Like most children the boys took off at a rapid pace. Max was leading the way and Alex was right behind him. Given the forty years difference in our ages, I knew that I could not think about joining them. Also, since we had not charted out the distance in advance, at the beginning I had no idea how many times around the stadium would be required. I knew that I needed to go the distance and so I set out at a very easy pace, probably close to a ten or twelve minute mile.

Before we made one complete revolution around the stadium both of the boys had slowed their pace. But, I noticed that Alex had slowed considerably. While he was still running in front of me (an agreement we made in advance that the boys must stay in front of me), I could tell that he was laboring. First Max shouted encouragement to him and Alex continued to run. Then he told us that he had a pain in his side which runners know is that familiar “stitch” you get early in a run. Max again shouted encouragement and told him that the pain would only last for a little while then it would go away. I just watched and paid close attention to Alex to make sure he was in no real danger. At one level I was dealing with the demons in my own head telling me that I could not run the distance, and reminding me of my age compared to my sons. On a whole other level I could feel the competitive spirit in me telling me that I could not let my boys down and that I had to go the distance.

As I continued to run my mind went back to the days of my youth. I reminded myself of the pace that I could hear in my head. I settled in by just keeping the pace and continuing to move myself forward. By this time I was running side by side with Alex with Max continuing to run just a bit ahead of us. As we ran together I was talking to Alex and checking to see that he was alright. I suggested to him that if the pain became too great that he could stop running and walk the rest of the way. He declined, and I could see in his face that he wanted to succeed at this. Realizing his desire to succeed, I began to talk to Alex about pace. I told him that we had to just keep our pace and go one step at a time.

After we had completed our first time around the stadium I had a clear sense of what was now required to reach our goal. As it turns out the distance around the stadium is equal to nearly one half mile. I told Alex about this and we continued running together step for step and I offered encouragement to him as much as myself letting him know just how many more turns we had to go. We talked about breathing evenly and just making sure that he ran no faster than me. I pointed out that we were going to make it as long as we kept our pace the same.

When we rounded the final stretch of our run with about a quarter mile to go, I noticed that Max made a start at running faster. Looking back and seeing that Alex and I were keeping the same pace he quickly gave up on his idea of a sprint to the finish. When Alex and I reached the final turn and completed our mile he looked at me with a proud sense of accomplishment. We gave each other high fives, and acknowledged that we had made it. We both walked over to Max and he too gave us a high five as we celebrated that moment.

When we started out on our run we did not know how many laps around the stadium were required. We faced an unknown that led to fear and doubt about our ability. We became aware that reaching our goal was causing us considerable pain. When we are in uncharted waters we don’t know if we can reach our goal. Sometimes we can find ourselves alone as we take each step or we realize that the pain and sacrifice may be too great. Or maybe we realize that we initially set out at a pace that we can no longer maintain. This is the time when we experience failure and defeat. This is the time when we need to pull up along side a friend or a coach or a mentor. We need to begin to pace ourselves so that we can reach our goals. We need to experience the reaffirming assurances of someone that cares about our success who not only tells us that we can make it, but takes every step along the way with us and experiences the same pain.

When we manage to face our unknown fears and conquer our pain we realize that in order to reach our goals we just need to take one step at a time. We have to learn to hear the rhythm of our steps. Each step moves us closer to our goals. When we give in to pain or fear we regret those failures. But, when we work through the pain, and keep pace to the goal, we experience an exhilaration that is unimaginable. The joy and sense of accomplishment on Alex’s face is the image that I will keep in my head forever as I strive for difficult goals. It is that look that reminds me that we can face our fears, and we can reach our goals in life if we just go one step at a time.

Success One Step at a Time

Yesterday we experienced another one of those beautiful days that often come at the end of summer in Pittsburgh. With moderate temperatures and low humidity, September days are days when you still want to go outside. With the children adjusting to only their second week of school, we are finding that every evening we spend time outdoors just playing in front of the house. Or, to be more specific I find myself outside reading while the children are playing in front of the house. Neighborhood children as young as one year old are outside with their parents and we all seem to just congregate as the children play. Given the urban setting of our home, most of the games are played in the street with cars parked on either side. The children routinely yell out “car” as a vehicle comes down the street. For the most part our one-way street does not get a great deal of traffic, and most of the cars coming down the street are usually sight seeing taking a look at the Victorian homes and interesting architecture.

It seems that somehow yesterday my sons finished their homework a bit earlier than their neighborhood friends. This meant that for at least a few minutes my sons would be playing together without the company of their friends. Even though my children are twins, at their current age they are reluctant to play outside with just themselves. Rather, they wait for the company of other children at or near their age so that they can engage in one or another of the “made up” games that they play every day. While the boys were waiting for their friends to show up my son Max walked over to a small patch of grass that borders the old church on the corner of our street. This patch of grass that we call the “church yard” has been the closest play area for my children and all of the other children in our neighborhood since the boys were old enough to walk. It has been the site of petting zoos and once even hosted an elephant providing rides for children for just one dollar. My own sons have learned to bat (resulting in one broken stained glass window), pitch, throw a football, and even race on this patch of grass which is less than 20 yards long and 20 feet wide. But grass is still grass no matter how wide or long and children will always find a game that they can play at the church yard.

Max walked to one end of the grass and started in an easy jog to run to the opposite end. Reaching the opposite end he turned around and then jogged back to the starting point. I watched as he continued this back and forth all alone on the grass over and over again. Curious, I finally walked over to the grass to ask Max what he was doing. He said that he was “running a mile.” I asked him how given the small size of the area on which he was running he would know when he had reached his goal? He then lifted up his shirt and there clipped to his belt was a pedometer that had been recently given to him as a gift from my brother. I did not want to burst his bubble by telling him that given the size of the space on which he was running he would likely need to run back and forth over 80 times to reach his goal. Rather, I just watched as he frequently checked his pedometer and continued to run back and forth.

I continued to watch Max running and I was pleasantly surprised by his persistence. He continued to run until finally his pedometer displayed a total distance of one mile. I did not count how many times he actually had to run back and forth, and I also recognize that generally pedometers are only “fair estimates” of total distance traveled. I personally wear a pedometer most days with a goal of walking 10,000 steps. Most days I meet or exceed my goal, but here again the accuracy of the pedometer is really not the point. The point for me is to have a goal that is relative to the last time I set out to achieve it. Whether my 10,000 steps is really 8,000 steps or is actually 12,000 steps is not the point. For me the point is to have a measurable goal that I can strive to achieve every day.

This morning I asked Max if he wanted to run after school. He wondered how far we would run and I said well I thought I would run with you to accomplish your one mile per day goal. I also asked Alex if he wanted to join us. They both wanted to know where we would run. I suggested that we could run around our neighborhood until we achieved one mile. I was amused when they both said to me that running a mile around the neighborhood seemed pretty far. Then I pointed out to them that it was no farther than Max had run the day before when he went back and forth in the church yard. While both of the boys agreed to give it a try I know for sure that they are both skeptical.

As I have thought about watching Max yesterday and then comparing it to his reaction this morning, I realized that when setting goals the increment really matters. Max’s goal yesterday was to run one mile. But, even though he did not plan it this way he had broken down the goal into very small pieces. He was only running about twenty yards at a time. Additionally, each time he turned around, the next little piece of the goal was clearly in sight. When I suggested today that we run a mile around our neighborhood the hesitation wasn’t so much the distance, rather it was the fact that in running around the neighborhood the goal would not be so plainly in sight. Which streets were we going to run around? Would we run out for half a mile then run back over the same course? Where we just going to run around the block four or five times? These questions and perhaps even some that would occur to a ten year old boy that don’t occur to me I am sure had a lot to do with their reaction.

All of us set goals. Sometimes the goals are those BHAGs (Big, Hairy, Audacious, Goals) that are really tough to achieve. Sometimes they are the common kinds of goals like I am going to quit smoking, or I am going to lose weight, or I am going to exercise daily. While many of us have set such goals, we often fail. We start out by not smoking at all for a few days then we have just one cigarette, and then another and then we forget about the goal all together. We begin our new diet by cutting out sweets, or bread, or something else that we regularly eat that we have now decided we will do no more. We begin an exercise program by buying new workout clothes, new sneakers, and even joining a gym. Then a month or so later we have a gym membership that is unused, new sneakers that we are now wearing on Saturday afternoon, and exercise shorts that we decide to start sleeping in at night. I think we need to take a look at the simple and innocent way that Max approached his goal. I believe that he has reminded me of how we can all achieve success.

When you want to achieve a goal you must remember to break that down into very small and manageable pieces. The goal should have many small successes built in. The achievement of your goal must also remain clearly in sight. Finally, always remember to avail yourself of some simple measuring device.

You might think that it is pretty boring running back and forth 80 plus times to run a mile. This is not the way that we normally think. For most of us if we wanted to run a mile we might set out on a quarter mile track or decide to run eight city blocks. Perhaps on your first time out you would reach the goal. But you see Max is only ten years old. He is not allowed to go to a track and he isn’t allowed to run in the streets. So Max had to improvise and set a small goal right in his own literal “church yard.” He decided how he would measure his progress, and he started out slowly. Max reached his goal because he did not know much about how many times he would have to run back and forth. He did not measure the distance of the church yard. He did not set an allotted time. No, the key to Max’s success was that the increments were small, the feedback measurement was continuous, and he knew that in the end he was under the watchful eye of his constant coach.

If you have a goal that you want to achieve then I urge you to use Max’s method. Start slow, establish small success benchmarks, and measure progress often. Finally, if you don’t have your own coach to cheer you on, then contact me. I love to see people celebrate the achievement of their goals.

What Is Your Why?

Have you ever found yourself in one of those conversations with a four year old when they respond to everything you say with “why?” This is a frustration that many of us have experienced. The child comes to you with a question. You provide the best answer you can come up with and then the child just says “Why?” You respond with a fuller explanation hoping to make your answer make sense for the child and then once again you get “why?” Again you try to clarify your answer and you get still once again “why?” This chain only ends when either you give up in frustration or the child becomes interested in the toy you offer up as a distraction.

Children ask us why because they want to have a better understanding of the world around them. When children are young they ask lots of questions. I am told that children stop asking us questions when they stop believing that we have the answers. Today that can happen as early as ten or twelve years old. In many ways though we too function like twelve year old children. We stopped asking questions long ago. Perhaps it is because we think we now have all of the answers. Or maybe we are sometimes too embarrassed to ask the question because we don’t want the world to know that there is something we do not know. Or maybe, we just remember back to the days when we too were four years old and some adult got frustrated with our unending round of asking “why?”

I recently read again the famous quote by Friedrich Nietzsche “He who has a why can endure any how.” This came up once again today in a conversation with a friend and colleague when we were talking about the day to day pressures of work. The pace of our days has become so hectic that we spend much of our time in reaction mode. The current buzz word in the business world is “I work 100 hour weeks.” I have no idea as to what happened to the old badge of the workaholic who worked 80 hours each week. I don’t put in 100 hour weeks and so it is difficult for me to imagine what that must be like. However, just a simple calculation tells me that you would have to work over 14 hours each day, every day in order to work a 100 hour week. Since most of us are not the CEOs, this also means that we need to drive ourselves to and from work each day so let’s factor in just an hour of your time for your daily commute. Also, assuming that you have a really bad diet (exclusively fast food) you would still need about one and a half hours each day to pick up and eat your food (I recognize that some of us work while we eat). As for personal hygiene tasks, let’s give that a total of an hour each day (potty breaks included given how badly you would be eating). That would leave you about six hours to sleep every day. So now the question I would ask is “Why?”

I guess that if you are the CEO of a large company your “why” is to grow the business or to create shareholder value. Maybe you work in Silicon Valley and you are creating the next groundbreaking technology that will turn your stock options into a billion dollars. But you are more than likely just an average person that is somehow caught up in the sense of importance and status you get from saying “I work 80, 90, or 100 hours a week.” Whatever need is being fulfilled by this super human effort, it is time to stop and ask “why?”

Now the truth is that very few people actually work 100 hours a week. In fact, there are few of us that actually work for 60 hours each week, and I will save for another day my discussion of how few of us really do put in the 40 hours for which we receive our pay. But, no matter how many hours you actually work, have you spent any time lately making sure of your “why?” Whether you work for yourself, or work for a small company, or work for a large corporation, sometimes work can be hard. If you are self-employed you deal with cash flow problems and worry about how you will generate the next deal. If you are work for a company you worry about getting the work done that has been heaped upon you. Some of us are working with psychopaths that are making our lives miserable. And then there are those of us that are just working at jobs that are not stimulating or challenging. No matter what situation you find yourself in today, you need to take the time to really understand your “why.”

In order to answer the question we need to go beyond the immediate. We need to not just stop at the simple answers like how much money we need, or we have bills to pay, or even because we can’t afford to lose our job. I love to quote the old saying “what profits a man to gain the world, yet lose his soul?” You need a bigger “Why?” Your “why” must make a difference in your life or in the lives of those you love. Your “why” must be filled with passion. Why did a person like Martin Luther King risk his life? It was because he had a dream. His dream was his “why.” Why does a fireman run into a burning building? It is because their “why” is to save just one life if possible. Why does a mother shield her child with her own body when danger strikes? It is because her “why” is that she values the life of her child more than her own. These are the kinds of “why” that matter. These are the kinds of “why” that makes the risk, or the pain or the challenge make sense. These kinds of “why” don’t translate to money, or pride, or status. These are the kinds of “why” that makes a difference in the world. These are the kind of “why” based on established values and character.

Why did you get up this morning? Why are you working so hard? Why didn’t you have time for dinner with your family? Why did you spend one-on-one time with your child? Why did you not stop to say I love you? Keep asking this question. Take the time to figure out why. We all need a “why” so that we can endure our “how.” Taking the time to identify your “why” will keep you on the path you have chosen for your life. Knowing your “why” makes the how worth every step of the journey. Commit your “why” to writing.

There is so much power in the answer to that very simple question. I guess that we all need to wonder why?

Where Are You Now?

As I was making reservations for a business trip this week I realized that I needed to fly on Sunday in order to be at the appointed destination for a Monday morning meeting.  This is not at all unusual as I frequently will travel the day before a meeting or appointment.  This reduces my anxiety over delays, and assures that I will get a good night’s sleep and be productive during my appointment.  When making the reservations I noticed that Sunday was September 11.  I hesitated for a moment asking myself if I really wanted to fly on this date.  

As things turned out for me my trip ultimately was cancelled and I have no need to fly on September 11.  Still, just the thought of flying on that date took me back to the tragedy of 9/11/01.  Like most Americans I can remember vividly where I was when the first plane hit the World Trade Center tower.  As the morning wore on and yet another plane hit the tower, I began to also hear the news of a plane in Pennsylvania that was possibly hijacked about an hour from my home in Pittsburgh.  

On 9/11/01 I was the Chief Operating Officer of the Pittsburgh Housing Authority.  My immediate superior, as well as the majority of our executive staff were in Washington, D.C. that morning attending a meeting at HUD, near the Pentagon which also became the site of another plane crash.  In the midst of the shock and devastation of the people around me during those critical moments, I suddenly realized that I was responsible for an agency of 500 employees, and that we managed housing for about 5,000 people in Pittsburgh.  Given the information available, I needed to make a number of decisions that were likely to be second guessed later, but were yet important to make immediately.

I began the decision making process by contacting each of my available co-workers.  This included our Operations Director, HR Manager, and Police Chief.  We decided that we needed to assure the security and safety of our residential communities and Hi-rise buildings which housed the elderly and disabled.  At the same time we needed to act with compassion towards our employees who were concerned about children in school, and their own families.  We decided that all employees that were non-essential to the security of our communities could leave work immediately to look after their families.  Essential personnel and a small group of volunteers agreed to continue working until we knew for certain that our communities were safe and secure.  As I looked out the windows of our offices I could see the motion and panic of people below emptying out of nearby office buildings and heading for home.  I knew that we were facing a long day when many of us might not get to go home for a while.  

As I now look back on that day I recognize that Pittsburgh escaped tragedy.  We did not experience problems in our communities, and our buildings were spared from disaster.  The lessons of that day however caused our own agency and many others to begin to prepare plans for future disasters.  We had a heightened focus on the fact that low probability incidents of drastic proportion do still happen every day.  We all spent the next several days experiencing a swelling sense of nationalism, and everyone in the country seemed to pull together.  

Just four years later America finds itself facing yet another disaster.  Once again America finds itself questioning whether or not we were prepared for the flood waters of Hurricane Katrina.  There is massive finger pointing and political posturing to heap blame for everything from the speed of the relief response, to the lack of availability of $2,000 debit cards for the purchase of essentials.  Perhaps as many as half a million people are suffering today because of the hurricane.  All across the country we are all affected by rising gasoline prices, and threats of fuel prices for heating rising as much as seventy percent.  

We have very short memories in this country.  We forget the commitments we make when we are under duress.  We utter prayers at moments of disaster or despair and we make promises to our God in exchange for mercy.  We pull close to loved ones; we cherish the small things in life, and we all understand that we are in many ways spared just by grace.  All of this fades as we move further in time from the latest disaster, or when we realize that the latest event did not really affect our own lives.  

As I write this I sit comfortably in my office in my home.  I will spend my day developing business relationships, scheduling appointments and travel for upcoming events, and waiting for my children to return from school to begin the weekend.  As I write this there are families that are living in shelters with no hope of returning to their homes.  There are perhaps thousands of children that have no school to attend for whom the weekend is just another day in an impoverished life.  And there are thousands more that have lost jobs, careers, and businesses.  

As you take the time to read this I would ask you to think about a question.  Where are you now?  You are probably reading this in your office.  This of course means that you have a job today.  If you are reading this in your home, you have electricity and even a computer.  Where were you four years ago during 9/11?  What changes did you vow to make in your life on that day?  Have you kept your promises?  Did you realize on 9/11 how important your family is to you?  Do you live today like that is still true?  As you watched families walking through flooded streets in Louisiana did you stop to acknowledge that you were safe and dry?  

In the past four years my life has continued to change dramatically.  I am no longer the COO of that agency I managed in 2001.  I work now as a consultant helping people and organizations understand the importance of authenticity, values and character.  I teach clients about valuing people and serving those that they lead.  I can’t say that all of this happened because of 9/11.  But I know that the events of that day changed me in a way.  I was reminded recently of those changes as I planned a simple business trip that was later cancelled.  Now I have another chance to sit back and reassess my own priorities.  I have the time once again to make sure that I am living my values.  And most importantly, I will say a prayer of thanks that once again disaster has struck and yet those that I love are safe and secure.  It is my sincere hope that as you read this you too will take stock with where you are now and where you have been in these past four years.



    

What You Believe Can Change the World.

When I stepped outside this morning to walk the dog I was faced with weather conditions that immediately let me know that today was not going to be a day when I could take a long walk outside.  The weather and the threatening skies suggested that perhaps today’s walk might more safely be done indoors on the treadmill.  In just a short few days I have been spoiled by the cooler temperatures which have allowed me to walk outside enjoying the peace and quiet of the morning.  I have experienced a great sense of calm as I have walked in the early morning enjoying the waterfront near my home, and listening to the world around me.  This is such a different experience for me.  It is quite different from walking with headphones on my ears, enjoying music or listening to the latest audio book.  Being forced back indoors to walk on the treadmill, I employed the distractions we sometimes use to abate the boredom that comes from walking in place.  Like many people that use a treadmill regularly, I turned on the TV and channel surfed looking for something to hold my interest for half an hour.

This morning all of the news shows focused on the devastation in cities in Louisiana and Mississippi.  There were pictures of people being rescued from roof tops as waters surged up to the roof lines of homes.  The broadcasts showed us pictures of vast areas under water and extensive damage that had been done to homes, businesses and recreation areas.  I listened to comparisons to the tsunami that hit Indonesia last year as broadcasters flew helicopters over damaged areas or surveyed the wreckage on rented boats.  There were reports of as many as 100 deaths in Mississippi and other scattered reports of deaths in Louisiana, Alabama, and Georgia.  We will certainly mourn the loss of any life as a result of this catastrophe.  

The economic effects of the hurricane will be experienced all across our country as oil refinery production is reduced.  As much as 25% of our refinery production comes from the Gulf region alone.  The President has already agreed to release oil from our strategic reserves in order to alleviate the pressure on gasoline prices which are now predicted to rise perhaps as much as thirty cents above current levels.  I learned all of these things just watching television for about thirty minutes today while I exercised.  

I have found myself at times like this functioning as somewhat of a voyeur.  I can become fixated on the events almost waiting to see more pictures that would shock or horrify me.  I have watched myself focus intently on facts reporting the numbers of deaths, or the dollar estimates of economic damage.  I then carry that information all day and intersperse it into my conversations as I lament the tragedy.  I find myself using sorrowful tones as my way of expressing my grief and concern for those so less fortunate.  I realized today while on my treadmill in my dry, well lit, and air-conditioned home how pious my actions have been.  

First I must acknowledge that despite the death toll and economic damage, hurricane Katrina can not be compared to the tsunami in Indonesia.  We have available to us some of the most sophisticated weather tracking and warning systems in the world.  We were provided warnings many days in advance such that many cities and towns were evacuated sparing us the dramatic loss of life that people in other parts of the world experience daily.  Just in the time that it will take to write this more people will die in the Sudan or other parts of Africa than the total death toll experienced nationally from Katrina.  I can only wonder how many of us have spoken in those hushed tones grieving for the loss of life that occurs daily in other parts of the world.  What will be our reaction today to the loss of life in Baghdad where some 600 people died as a result of a rumor of a suicide bomber on a bridge over the Tigris River?  

When are we going to learn in this country that we are all together in this world?  Today we lost our brothers and sisters in Mississippi, and we lost some in the Baghdad, and we lost even more in the Sudan.  All across the globe there are tragedies, wars, and disasters.  Lives are being lost, economies are suffering, and people are homeless.  You and I read this at computers, in homes and offices with modern conveniences.  Maybe you will read this later in the day while having dinner or take it out on your coffee break while you enjoy an afternoon Latte.  I don’t write this to say that you should feel guilty for the many blessings we experience here in America.  I don’t write this to remind you of how lucky you are that you live in a city far away from the Gulf Coast.  Rather, I write this to remind you to take a moment to be thankful.  It is so easy to complain about things in our day-to-day lives.  I know that I find myself complaining about the weather, or traffic, or an annoying telephone call.  Yet, in the whole scheme of things, we have so very much to be thankful for.  

Being thankful does not necessarily mean that you are somehow better than those less fortunate.  In our spirit of thankfulness or should I say gratitude, we recognize that we are each given so many gifts.  We ought to take the time to acknowledge those gifts.  I am sure that not everything in your life today is fantastic.  Perhaps you work in an oppressive environment or maybe you are struggling to make ends meet financially.  Maybe your marriage is not the best, or someone close to you is not behaving to your liking.  We all have problems and we already spend our fair share of time acknowledging that.  What I am proposing is a transition in your thinking.  Let’s take a few minutes to focus on the wonderful things that are happening in your life.  While you do that, also remember that there are people all around the world that are your brothers and sisters.  Remember that somewhere they are suffering at this moment.  As you express your gratitude remember to also reach out to them.  Make a decision to do one simple act to reduce the suffering of others.  Whatever you can do, do it now.  If all you can do is say a prayer, then take a moment to breathe that prayer.  

I have made a transition in my thinking these days.  I have focused on what I believe.  In that focus I have found greater joy, greater success, and a greater awareness of those around me.  I wanted to share that focus with you so that you too can experience the power of all that is in you.  Let’s all stop watching the world and start being a part of making the world better.  You can begin by making yourself better, and you can begin that by just beginning to believe.

Renewal of the Spirit

Last night as I walked home from our local Seven Eleven, I stopped to talk to a neighbor. We commented on the pleasantness of the sound of the cicadas and how that sound brought back memories of our childhood. I noticed last night how much time we spend outside at this time of year and even though the days are getting shorter, we still find ourselves outside when nighttime falls.

As we near the end of summer our thoughts begin to focus more intently on our work, our plans, and our goals. There is a rhythm in life that moves to the seasons. Summertime in our part of the country is a time to look for ways to escape the heat, enjoy time with family, and relax. We retreat to our vacation destinations or if we are fortunate enough we have a place a get away from it all on the weekend.

In thinking of these things I was tempted to think of the summer as a time of renewal. It seems easy for me to think that the activities we so much enjoy in the summer would renew the body and the spirit. While I guess that it is true that rest and relaxation can help to renew our bodies, I was left to wonder whether or not we do much for our spirit in the summer. My conclusion is that during the summer our spirit goes lacking.

I have been wresting with matters of my spirit for a while. There has been a running conflict with my passion and my appetites. My passion is to develop people to make a difference. My appetite is for self fulfillment and personal satisfaction. The struggle between the two is similar in many ways to what is experienced by people addicted to food, or alcohol, or even cigarettes. I don’t mean to minimize the seriousness of those addictions, and I do understand that each of those addictions can be accompanied by a chemical change in the body that compels a person to engage in behaviors that can be deadly. Yet, I have found that my appetite for self fulfillment and personal satisfaction often leads me away from my passion. When I leave my passion, my spirit seems to suffer almost to the point of being harmful.

I believe that we can not live healthy lives disconnected from our passion. We can endure brief periods of disconnection, but in the end we must all find, and live out our passion. For me, my passion is also my vocation. I earn a part of my living as a result of my gift to help people change their lives. Yet, in order to pay the bills, I have given way to other pursuits and neglected my passion. The resulting wounding of my spirit has reduced my energy, and even my drive. In the end, this condition would result in my inability to even do the other work that “pays the bills.”

I am lucky enough to have people in my life that sometimes take the time to remind me to stay focused on my passions. Sometimes the conversations are not what I want to hear. Sometimes the message is a scolding. From other people it is the reflection of their disappointment when I seem to be wandering away from my mission. I even have a friend that reminds me when I am straying from my dreams. In this regard I am more blessed than most. I received one of those reminders today. It was a brief conversation. I was not scolded, or cajoled. There was no recrimination or guilt. Rather, just an observation, that my heart did not seem to be in my work. What a wake up call!

In that brief conversation today I resolved the conflict. I can’t live my life disconnected from my passion. I can’t experience success simply by my ability to “pay the bills.” I have had the good fortune to know clearly what I am called to do. Every time I have strayed away from that I experience calamitous results. I guess that I had forgotten that I had found my V.O.I.C.E.

As the summer comes to an end, many are heading back to school. Some of us will head back to work and commit to a faster pace, recognizing that the summer is ending and it is time to get serious. As for me, I am returning to my passion. I am focusing on renewing my spirit and doing what I am called to do. Just this recognition already has my energy flowing.

I have learned something new about the summer. It is wonderful for the body. We exercise, get out in the sun, and enjoy our lives. We connect with family and friends, and we create memories. These are all very important activities. However, what we lack in the summer is a focus on our spirits. We lose touch with our faith, and we fail to nourish our spirit. It is time to open the windows in that room and let the air back in. As we are thankful for the summer, we must now be thankful for the coming fall and the spirit of renewal in another important dimension of our life. Maybe this does not apply to your life, but this certainly means a great deal to me today.

The Role of a Lifetime

If you spend anytime on the internet now you have probably come across any number of popular memes. These self propagating pieces of information have the ability to spread quickly on the internet mainly because of the connectedness of this medium. Examples of memes are the jokes or stories that quickly get passed from person to person. One recent example of a meme is the one where you are asked to answer a series of questions and then tag another person. The questions are thought provoking and so for reference sake I am pointing you to one site HERE where you can take a look.

My thoughts today don’t deal with the meme itself. However, the thoughts I have began for me after I read and responded to a meme. The meme asks you to consider a number of questions. The questions range from philosophical to practical. Questions such as if you could live forever what would you do? Or the practical questions like if you were a painter? The meme does not constrain your answers in any way as they are open questions. Thinking this through I began to see the questions as an examination of the roles we hope to play in life. With the meme you are answering questions about roles that you do not possess. I thought that I would take a different approach.

One of the key considerations in Finding Your V.O.I.C.E. is determining your personal Objectives. Your objectives define for you where you want to go. In defining your objectives you create a personal mission statement that maps the journey. One key component of that map is a definition of the roles you play.

It might sound odd to say that we play different roles in our lives. Maybe you have never thought of it this way but in fact each of us plays several roles at different times. Have you ever heard yourself saying when speaking of a close friend “she is like a sister to me?” When making such a statement you are describing a role in your life. The statement describes the way in which you relate to a person that is not actually your sister. We have other roles in our lives. For many of us those roles include wife, husband, father, mother, friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend. The list goes on and on. Each of these roles requires you to perform in a certain way. In your role as a father you would behave differently than you would in your role as a friend.

Sometimes we give little thought to the roles in our lives. Some roles are thrust upon us without our agreement. Other roles we create for ourselves. Yet in each case we must make certain that we are taking the time to define those roles for ourselves. When you define yourself as a friend what does that mean? How will you perform in that role? Maybe your role is leader. What characteristics do you need to demonstrate to effectively play that role? If your role is mother, are you playing the part well? Have you been clear about how this role relates to the other roles in your life?

It is very important that we take the time to define all of the roles that we play in our lives. At times we may find that we have more roles than we can handle. Or you may find that you have not been living up to one of the roles you accepted. All of our roles require time. Take a look at your past couple of weeks. Have you put in meaningful time in your roles? If you have not are going to change your schedule to make sure that you are living up to the role you accepted?

I have often heard that some actors get to play the role of a lifetime. Or you hear that an actor is playing the part that they were born to play. I am not yet sure if I agree with those statements when I hear them. However, I do firmly believe that each of us was born for a specific role in life. It is possible that your role is to become someone famous or an important business executive. But it is just as possible that the role of a lifetime that you were born to play is the role of peace maker. Maybe your role is to be a volunteer in a women’s shelter. You could have been cast as a mentor to young men, or as a world class writer. Whatever the role there is one that you and only you were meant to play.

Recently veteran actor Morgan Freeman won an Oscar for his role in the movie Million Dollar Baby. Prior to winning his first Oscar, Freeman played in a number of diverse roles. He has been the President of the United States, a chauffeur, a convict, a pimp and even God. He has played twenty three different roles in films. However in this film Freeman plays the role of an old man who is unashamed of being an old man. Freeman is in his late 60s. Maybe there is a message in that for all of us. Freeman has been a successful and convincing actor for many years. However, the pinnacle of his acting success has come when he embraced a role that very much reflected much about who he is.

I don’t know what role you play in your life. Maybe your most important role has yet to be discovered. Or perhaps you have already been given the chance to play in the role of a lifetime. Whatever the case may be for you when you discover your role I urge you to define it well. Then embrace that role and play it for all that you are worth.

Our most important roles in our lives usually do not come with the recognition awarded by Hollywood. Your reward will be reflected in the lives that you impact. Playing your role well will change someone’s life and if you are lucky it will also change your own. Let’s take it again one more time from the top, only this time play your role with feeling.

Puzzles

I have always had an attraction to puzzles. I find them to be both entertaining and challenging. Over the years I have collected more than a few that have stood the test of time such that I will still pick them up to try to solve them once again. I think that one of the great things about a puzzle is that even after you complete it you can attempt it again and still find it challenging.

As much as I have enjoyed puzzles over the years there is one type of puzzle that I have never really mastered. That is the jigsaw puzzle. My abilities seem to be more in solving puzzles that have patterns or systems involved in their solution. Jigsaw puzzles require a different skill set. I am told that the solution to most of these puzzles can be found by first uncovering the outer edges and working your way in. The outer pieces are relatively easy to identify since they have straight edges. You then have the ability to use this frame to define the limits of your puzzle. There is a certain security that comes when you have an understanding of the boundaries within which you are going to work.

A jigsaw puzzle is a picture that has been cut into hundreds of small and seemingly random pieces. The more pieces you have the more difficult the puzzle. As you work your way through you look for similarities in colors or attempt to identify shapes that appear to go together. The best puzzles will have a number of pieces that are similar in shape but just different enough to require that they be placed only in their unique position. Sometimes you can be working with the right piece but you either need to turn it a certain way or combine it with another piece not yet placed to make it fit correctly. You also learn when working with your puzzle that no matter how hard you try, if you are working with a piece before it is time to place that piece you can spend a lot of time but will not yield any success.

No matter how difficult a puzzle can always be solved. You must be willing to devote enough time, and you must be patient. You can place a puzzle on your work space and devote chunks of time to the solution. If you are lucky enough to have a space that is undisturbed by others, consistent effort is all that it takes to solve the puzzle. In the end you always have a reference point to refer back to because every puzzle relates to a big picture that you can access when necessary.

We often use the term “big picture” to describe something that is not easily apparent. The term suggest that many pieces must come together to get the big picture. We tell people that they need to “think big picture” when we desire that they focus beyond the immediate. The big picture is the vision. It is the end of the journey. When we see the big picture all of the pieces have been put together in their proper places. We can stand back, hands on hips and proudly bask in our accomplishments.

Wouldn’t be great if all we had to do in our lives was to see the big picture? Imagine how easy things would be if we could abandon the small and seemingly insignificant tasks and just look at the big picture. We could see the end results of our efforts, be assured that the goals are achievable, and know that we are headed in the right direction. That would be great, but our reality is that each of us is holding individual pieces of our puzzle.

In our life’s journey we have periods when each piece of the puzzle we touch seems to fall neatly into place. We instantly can see where a piece belongs. During these times we can even see the form of the puzzle and we feel certain that the picture will be completed. At other times we find ourselves studying a piece for long periods. We wonder whether or not the piece we are holding in our hands is the right piece to work with at this time. Sometimes we select piece after piece and examine them only to reject that piece as not being the right piece at the right time. In these periods we don’t see much progress and we wonder if we will ever be able to put the picture together.

I have seen seasons in my own life when I was having trouble with the pieces of my puzzle. At times I have been so distraught that I became convinced that I was working on the wrong puzzle altogether. Those have been times of confusion and frustration. I can recall saying “if I just had this piece then everything would come together.”

When I have worked on puzzles that I have successfully completed I have always experienced periods when I was stumped. My first reaction to those times has been to “try harder.” Yet after trying harder I find that I am still stumped. Ultimately my frustration gets the best of me and I walk away. When I was younger I might even destroy all the work I had done up to that point. As I grew older I would just place the puzzle aside and allow myself to forget about it for a while.

The puzzles in our lives are really not very different from a jigsaw puzzle. We will all reach a point when the pieces just are not coming together. Sometimes people will encourage us to just try harder. Sometimes that may work. But, working hard at something that does not work, does not work. You need to step away from the puzzle. At times just stepping back will cause you to see the big picture and you can continue with your work. At other times you need to leave the puzzle completely and begin again at a later time. However, you should never make the mistakes I made in my youth when I would destroy my work up to that point.

The vision you have for your life or the big picture that you desire to achieve is made up of many small and seemingly random pieces. It is true that at times you might be working in the wrong section of the picture. However, if you follow the guidance of successful puzzle mavens you have already defined the boundaries of your vision. Maybe you need to move to a different section of your puzzle for a time. Perhaps it is time for a complete break just to regain your perspective. Or maybe all you need is a moment to step back, reassess the picture and begin again.

In my life I have had many periods of being stumped. Those are tough times. However, I have learned that immediately following those periods I find myself back in the zone where the pieces just fall into place one after another. I am still working on my puzzle, but I have no doubt that the picture is actually coming into view.

The Biggest Word of All

As a child growing up in Philadelphia one of the early gifts my mother gave to me was the gift of her time. As a single parent with three young children at the time there were few opportunities to spend one on one time with my mom. Yet, I remember with fondness that my mom spent special time with me her oldest child.

Perhaps there is a special relationship between a mother and her first born. This could also have something to do with the fact that I am nearly two years older than my closest sibling and over three years older than the next. I could also attribute the difference to the way that boys were raised in those days as compared to how girls were raised. I think it is safe to say that I don’t know all of the reasons why I had a special relationship with my mom, but I know that I benefited greatly from the time we spent together.

I guess that I was what we might call today a precocious child. I can remember from an early age constantly inserting myself into what was called “grown folks business.” I would engage any and every adult in conversation about subjects that seemed to amaze them. I doubt that this was so much related to my intellect, but because I can remember that early on I talked too much.

My mother took it upon herself to teach me to read before I entered grade school. She elected not to send me to kindergarten which I now suspect is due to her knowledge that I had no skills in painting, drawing, or playing with crayons. What I did love to do was read. This made me antisocial to children my age. My limited skills at the finer points of being a young kid probably added to their distrust of me. But through reading I was able to entertain myself and my young sisters. The time I spent reading also helped me to engage adults as I was fond of reading from a world book and quoting abstract facts that while generally meaningless would always get a raised eyebrow from most adults. Thinking back now I think I just figured out why I became so introverted as a child. I really did not fit in.

When I learned to read the books my mother chose were the Dick and Jane series. The words we all remember from those books are “see Spot run.” These books worked as early readers because of the word repetition. Words like see, come, and run would be repeated over and over in each consecutive sentence. Learning to read using these books created a sense of familiarity with words. The one syllable words could be pronounced easily and did not require much coordination between teeth and tongue. Other than the names of the characters the words in the early Dick and Jane series were three letters long. It was not until you got through the first couple of books that you were introduced to words with more than three letters and two syllables. It was in the Dick and Jane series that I learned what I still refer to as the biggest word of all. That word is “look.”

The word look of course has four letters. Yet, I call this the biggest word of all because it means so much to me. In my early reading look is introduced with the sentence “Look Jane, see Spot run.” This was my first encounter with the power of observation. Dick is telling Jane to pay attention. Later my mom taught me to cross the street in our busy neighborhood. There was my favorite word once again. My mother taught me to “stop, look, and listen.” Once again I was learning the power of observation now engaging one of my other senses. My mother further admonished me that when crossing the street I was to “look both ways” before I crossed, making sure that there was no traffic coming from either direction.

As a father now I teach my children about my favorite word. I have taught them the all important survival skills related to crossing the street. They have learned to look both ways and to stop, look, and listen. But I have built upon my mother’s early lessons. I have learned and have taught my children to look at people. I have learned to look at people when I talk to them. Looking people in the eye gives them a sense that you are interested in what they are saying. I also look at the people around me. I make it a habit to be observant of my world.

The word look is now inserted into my personal mission statement. The words I have written there are “I will look and pay attention. There is so much to see.” This is my reminder that there are so many opportunities in the world that we only need to look to see them. I encourage myself to look for opportunities to enlighten. I look for a chance to help others. I look for teachable moments with the people in my life. I look at my values and character. I remind myself that others are looking and so I must always be the best that I can be.

Look. This is such a simple word that we have tucked it away in our vocabulary. We engage our senses without fully knowing that when we look we must also see. Sometimes when you look you will see injustice. At other times you will look and see a person that could use a kind word or a moment of your time listening. When not looking at people take a look at your checkbook. There you will have a chance to see what things you have been valuing. Perhaps it is time in that case to look in a different direction.

Our world has become so high tech that we have lost the art of looking. When we want to communicate we use Powerpoint to make a presentation. Next time you sit through one of these take a look. The person presenting is not looking at you and you are not looking at them. Instead, everyone is just looking at the screen. Maybe the next time you find yourself in this situation you can yell out “look Jane, see spot run!” Remind the people in the room that real communication, real observation, real meaning is established when we take the time to look at each other. Let’s look each other in the eye. Let’s stop averting our attention. Stop, Look, and Listen.

I Saw What You Did

In my youth Saturday afternoons were spent at the movies. In those days an afternoon at the movies included at least two features plus cartoons. Kids were dropped off there and generally left unattended except perhaps for being with an older sibling. Of course the result was that spit balls would fly, too much candy would be consumed, and the teenagers in the theater owned the back seats of the theater and much of the balcony.

My recollections of those days more than forty years ago include seeing some of the classic adventure stories, westerns, and of course horror movies. I remember the horror movies best. This may be more related to the nights of lost sleep afterward when I became convinced that some creature, monster, or murderer actually lurked in my home. The really good films would cause me to leave the lights on at night for weeks. The only rating for movies in those days was “X” so generally we would go to see all of the movies that came out. When you consider that the price of these films was just twenty-five cents for the matinee, this was the cheapest form of babysitting available for parents at the time.

During the summer of 1965 there was a popular movie titled “I Saw What You Did.” This movie was a campy low budget film about a couple of teenage girls making prank telephone calls. During one of these calls the girls whisper to the person on the other line “I saw what you did, and I know who you are.” This is all done in good fun except that the receiver of this call is a psychopath that has just murdered his wife. Being psychotic of course our killer is now convinced that there are witnesses to his crime. The rest of the movie involves the connection of the girls to the killer, and includes some much overacted scenes by a drunken and sex starved Joan Crawford.

I admit that it is unfathomable today with the advent of telephone features like Caller ID that prank calls would be very entertaining for modern teenagers. Besides, what can compete with on demand movies, five hundred television channels and the ubiquitous Ipod? But I really enjoyed the idea of the movie. The premise is that people respond differently, at times even murderously, when they believe that someone has seen what they did in private. Of course we would not have a movie premise if your private act was not something as heinous as murdering your wife. I guess that given one of two options, contrition or murder, that murder might easily be a popular choice for a psychotic killer.

This perhaps strange stream of consciousness caused me to think about all of the things that we do in private that are not heinous. The things we do when we think that no one is watching. Eating that second donut, smoking after we told everyone that we quit, or telling your family that the doctor said your cholesterol level is now in the acceptable range (OK a bit too personal on that one). What changes would we make in our behaviors if we knew that someone was actually watching everything that we did?

I have come to believe that the majority of the people we know are good and decent folks. Most of us are generally honest and trustworthy. We seek to do the right thing and avoid temptation. Most of us are consistent in our behavior both in public and in private. I think that this aptly describes most of us but does not accurately describe me. The fact is that I often behave differently in private than I do in public. I have taken the extra donut. I have littered secretly, and I am now not afraid to admit that I once passed gas on a crowded elevator (only once!). These are all things that I did when I thought that no one else would know and I could easily create a much longer list without much effort.

I am like most people. Sometimes I don’t uphold my commitments. There are days when the private me and the public me are out of sync. I struggle with times when I don’t want to do what is best for my health, or I give in to an erosion of my value system. I am not perfect. Recognizing my personal imperfections I have built a system that I find useful. I call it my personal accountability system. The system is simple and very effective. When I make a commitment I try to share that commitment with one or more people that I know. Different commitments require different people, but the list of people is not very long. I also write down my important commitments. I place the written copy in a place that is conspicuous. I tell my children about those lists.

My accountability system works because like you I too want to be understood and accepted. The people that help me to remain accountable are both gentle and sometimes not so gentle reminders of what I have said I want to do. My children quickly point out to me that I am eating something that I said I would not. My friends will ask me about my progress on an important goal as a gentle reminder that progress is expected. My exercise partner checks in regularly to ask about my workout and even calls to make sure I am awake at the time that I am supposed to be working out.

We all need a bit of a reminder from time to time to keep us on track. It is also possible that you are much like me and you could use your own personal accountability system. I encourage you to adopt my system and get other people involved in helping you to make your life what you want it to be. We all need people in our lives with whom we can be completely honest. Ask the people that love you to be willing to accept your honesty without being judgmental. Enlisting people in the accomplishment of your goals, and having someone holding you accountable are the key to ensuring your success.

Ask a friend to call you often and remind you that they know who you are and they saw what you did. As long as you have not committed a crime your reaction should be just enough to keep you honest. Going back to those teenage pranks, they do still involve telephones. Now days teens think that it is funny to use camera phones to capture their assaults on innocent people. What a difference forty years makes.

Monday Morning Reflections

There is a somewhat universal sense that Monday is a tough day. I have already had four conversations today and in every one at some point in the conversation we talked about the difficulties of the coming week or just the difficulty of getting through a Monday morning. The fact that Mondays are tough should come as no surprise to us. Most of us begin our week on Monday and we tend to be reflective about what the week may bring and generally, most of us do not approach the beginning of the week with much optimism.

I am no different than the average person in this regard. I find Monday to be oppressive in the sense that on Monday I am forced to deal with the realities of life. Monday has a way of being full of could of, should of and wish I had kinds of thoughts. On Monday my worry meter is usually pegged hard in the red zone as I think through all of the looming disasters. This matter is complicated by the fact that most Mondays my body is tired from the weekend and the way that I allow myself to get out of sync. I eat and sleep differently on the weekend and the effects of that always become obvious to me on Monday morning. This is a pattern of which I am aware but I have yet to change.

I thought that today I would capitalize on our normally reflective mood for Monday morning. Today my writing will be brief as I would much rather you spend your time thinking. You probably have a world of issues that you are facing today but if you have taken the time to read this then you have already decided to take a break. I want you to capitalize on your time here today by committing to undertake a number of activities. Most of the activities require you to answer some questions. These are unscientific questions but are things that I was thinking about yesterday and today.

I started this process last night so I am a bit ahead of you. Read each of the questions listed and spend a few moments reflecting on the answers. Don’t hurry your way through this. Even though I started last night I have only completed three of the activities as I write this. My goal is to complete the list by the end of the day. I think that for you a goal of completing this by tomorrow morning is reasonable. The list follows:

Choose three words that describe you. Ask your closest friend and one family member to do the same. Compare the list.

What is it that you do that makes you unique?

If you could put together your own group of highly talented people for any purpose you wished what would the individual talents of those people be? Would you place yourself in the group? Limit the group to five people.

Have you ever admitted that you have failed at something in your life?

How did you handle that failure?

If you knew that you were going to die within days, what people would you need to talk to and what would you say to them?

At your funeral, there will be four speakers. One will be from your childhood, one from High School, One from your work or social life, and one from your family. What will these people say about you?

What three things do you really want to do with your life that you have yet to do?

Commit to thirty minutes of silence today. No noise and no distractions. Write down your thoughts after the time is up.

After the completion of these exercises, take a moment to pray. In your prayer make no requests but express your reflections on this day.

The purpose of these questions is to raise our consciousness beyond our present and begin to think about the future. When we focus on the end of our lives we can have a clearer sense of direction for the present. Perhaps the issues and problems you face today are critical, but often times they pale in comparison to the rest of our lives.

Maybe we should use Monday to focus on the end rather than the beginning. I hope that after you complete this exercise your focus and your perspective will have shifted moving you in a different direction.

Getting Your Juice Back

I want to start out today with a confession. For the past two weeks I have been burned out. The stresses of work (finding it not doing it), chasing money for work done, and the daily rigors of life have gotten me down. My sleep patterns are off and I have been pretty much in isolation mode for a while. These symptoms are not new to me. I know that from time to time I get like this.

I was having a telephone conversation with a friend today that usually knows when I am down in the dumps. Yet, as friends will do, we carried on the conversation anyway. During our conversation we talked about serious things, business matters, world events, and life in general. The conversation included some verbal gymnastics, analysis, and lots of laughter. At the end of the conversation I found that I felt so much better than I did at the beginning.

In this conversation I learned a thing or two about myself that I had not previously paid attention to. I think that what I learned would be helpful to most of us. Looking back at my conversation we spent almost no time commiserating. The conversation focused instead on things that were outside of the very things that were getting me down. We talked about business but not so much our businesses but other things that were happening in the business world. We sparred on an issue or two, and we laughed about some of the silly things going on both with ourselves and in the world. We talked about our flaws and foibles in a way that reminded me that we are all human and generally imperfect.

All of this got me thinking about what it takes to recharge the spirit. We have often heard that laughter is the best medicine. Yet as grown ups we don’t allow ourselves to engage in the general silliness that once gave us so much fun. With my friend I find that I can be silly and we poke fun at each other. We laugh at ourselves and we laugh at each other. The laughter feels good. We also talked about things that were outside of the box. There was no need to sound profound or prove our intelligence we were just bouncing off of one another.

Many of us have seen the television commercial where the young man has just started his first job. In the commercial this young man is constantly being called on his cell phone by his friends that have not started working yet. They ask him silly questions like “guess how many cookies I have in my mouth?” Or remind him that he needs to bring home toilet paper from work because they are out of it at the house. All of the calls are silly and very immature. But they make you laugh because we can remember what things were like for many of us at the beginning of our “serious work” career. At least for me when I started out in the work world I worked hard and I played hard. As I have gotten older I find that more and more I just work hard or do hard work.

One of the ways that I recharge my battery is that I will spend time playing video games. I will play puzzle games like Collapse, or games like Splinter Cell or Medal of Honor. These games can generally consume large amounts of time that we have so little of in our hectic day-to-day lives. However, the games allow me to escape for a short while using skills that I don’t need for work. I compete either with or against my boys to see who can hold the record for our house in a particular game. You might think that someone my age should not spend too much time playing games, and I would generally agree with you. But brief periods of time spent on these activities help us to kick back and let go for a while.

I was reading a story about Pixar Entertainment recently which talked about the incredible pressures they have placed upon themselves to produce one blockbuster hit after another in the shortest time frames imaginable. The pressures are immense and the work week often exceeds eighty hours. Yet, these people remain creative and avoid burnout. The turnover rate at Pixar is only 5%. How do they do this? The answer is that they have an organized system that helps people to recharge. The company provides improvisational acting classes for employees that are interested. They play basketball or volley ball at lunch time. Generally all of the employees are permitted time to get out of the box and just play a while.

We have all got to get some fun and general silliness back into our lives. We can start by not taking ourselves so seriously. This should be easy enough since if you really checked most of the people you are dealing with probably don’t take you very seriously anyway. Why not join them and even amp it up a bit. I keep several sets of juggling balls in my office at home. I have not practiced them in months. However, today I plan to practice for a while. Usually one of my sons will join me and we work on getting better. If you don’t have a game on your computer, then get one. Get one that challenges you but that you can learn quickly then compete against your kids. You probably will not beat them but having them beat you (and this is because kids are better than all of us at these games) will encourage their self-esteem and confidence. You can also have a lot of fun with them.

Another thing I like to do is tell jokes. I actually practice a few of them just so that I can have them at the ready when I talk to a friend. Helping my friends laugh helps me to laugh too. If jokes are not your thing you could try telling the truth. I know that I do enough stupid things on a daily basis that when I recount these stories to my friends we always get a good laugh. If you have not done anything really dumb that you can talk about then you really are not getting out enough. Go ahead and try laughing at yourself for a change.

Each of us has a long list of things to do. We have goals to accomplish and many serious pursuits that we must engage in. Yet, if you are tired, or burned out you are not going to get them done anyway. Have a little fun and play a while. Make sure that you manage to laugh out loud. The problems in your life are not going anywhere so you might as well take a minute to laugh, joke and crack a smile. It worked for me today and I know that it can’t hurt if you give it a try.

Changing Your V.O.I.C.E.

There is something interesting about change. Sometimes we see change as a negative occurrence to which we are resistant. At other times we can see change as an opportunity that we can take hold of to make a difference. It is the latter approach to change which is common when we change jobs or move to a new environment.

It seems that when we experience change that is self imposed we react to those changes in a positive light. Of course this statement is by no means profound as changes that we create for ourselves should be viewed positively. We see this kind of change as another chance to make things right or to undo things that we perceived as not working in the past. During such times we may experience a sort of personal makeover to create for ourselves the person that we now want to become.

Sometimes a personal makeover is more than buying new clothes or changing our style of dress. There are times when while experiencing our personal metamorphosis we take a look at our behaviors and make decisions to change those too. This works well when we are talking about bad behaviors like failing to exercise, eating poorly, or smoking. Any time we can take an opportunity to make positive lifestyle changes we experience very positive results. But what about times when we make decisions to change parts of our personality or work style? What happens when a person that was once meek becomes aggressive? Or when someone that was shy becomes bold? People have a way of making changes to their persona when they believe that the way they behaved in the past will not serve them positively in the future.

Sometimes changes in our persona are not changes created by our conscious decisions. Like creatures in nature we humans at times adapt to our environment. Take for example the stuffed shirt business type that suddenly finds themselves working for a laid back technology company. In that case the stuffed shirt must adapt their work style to fit in to the organization. As another example consider a person that finds themselves in an aggressive environment where everyone wants to be heard and you are judged not by what you do but how you position yourself. What sort of changes would that impose?

I learned recently of a case where a person went to work for a Fortune 500 company that is rated among the greatest companies in the world. The company is noted for their processes, business theories, and their leadership capacity. As an outsider many people would aspire to work for this world class organization. However, once inside, you learn that like many companies the company does not always live up to its reputation. On the inside you find yourself working among petty and spiteful people. The culture turns out to be aggressive but not for the sake of business progress, but rather purely for personal advancement. Inside such a company you find a level of incestuous activity that only breeds distrust. To succeed in such an environment you become like everyone else. You keep your cards close to the breast. You create and protect turf, and you eventually lose your own sense of values and begin to ascribe to the shared values of the organization.

We might look at this situation and conclude that this is only what is necessary to survive. We might easily dismiss this as the kind of thing that is necessary in order to succeed in the business world. What could be more normal? Is this really normal? Should a change of jobs result in a change in values? Should we morph when we become part of a new culture becoming more like a chameleon that changes colors based on the surrounding environment? While this might well be normal and perhaps we could assume even necessary to survive in a new culture I want to suggest that there is another way.

Each of us that have ever attended an interview remembers the preparation that we engaged in to get ready. We clean ourselves up and put on our best suit. We study the company and think through hypothetical questions and answers to show our knowledge of the company and diversity in our thinking. We remind ourselves of our basic manners and try to be engaging, intelligent and even a bit witty if the opportunity presents itself. Note that we do not reconsider our basic values in advance of the interview. We do not make a decision to become more aggressive, or lose our ability to be thoughtful. We do not in preparing for an interview decide to become a different person we only decide to make sure that the interviewer can see the person that we are in a positive light.

It is very tempting and perhaps all too easy to adapt to a new organization. As we seek to survive in a different culture we can take on the personality of the organization. Yet, in doing so that is when we lose our voice. Part of what makes a person attractive to an organization, is the freshness in that person’s perspective. We usually forget that who we are wins friends and influences people. While we all can agree that making the right impression is the thing to do initially, changing who we are in order to adapt is not.

We are each so very unique and bring to our situations our perspectives and ideas. What makes companies and organisms thrive is constant renewal. New people with new ideas and new approaches keep companies fresh. To the extent that we lose that freshness and begin to conform to everyone else we sell ourselves short and we no longer serve the company well. This is not to suggest that all newcomers should be mavericks or outcasts. Getting along is always the required minimum for playing in any sandbox. Yet never lose your fresh perspective or change positive values for the sake of conformity. If your values don’t fit the organization, live your values anyway.

Every organization has a unique culture. This is part of the social chemistry. The chemistry always changes when anyone new is added. When we find ourselves in a new environment we are faced with a choice. Do we desire to blend in and become like everyone else, or do we bring our unique voice to the mix. I hope that in every case we remember to always maintain our unique voice. The sound may be different from the rest, but harmony is never achieved with identical voices. Harmony is achieved when we successfully blend different voices and emphasize those differences when they are needed most.

Once you have found your V.O.I.C.E. never lose it in the crowd.

Life Without Limits

This morning I have been unable to escape thinking about a story that has been in the press for the past several days. That is the story of the five year old Florida girl that was removed from her elementary school in handcuffs, and later restrained in a police car with nylon cuffs on her wrists, and traditional steel handcuffs on her ankles.

Today the national news showed video footage of the young girl’s actions prior to her arrest. The video also captures the arrest of the young girl. Naturally, the news this morning also gave air time to the Superintendent of the school district the girl attends as well as the attorney now representing the family. All sides have been positioning themselves on this issue and given the state of affairs in our country today and the fact that this took place in Florida, I expect that congressional action is not far behind.

Let me say early on here that it makes no sense to me that anyone, including the police, would ever even think to restrain a five year old with handcuffs of any kind. I am sure that this issue will be discussed fervently by people on both sides of the argument. While this issue is to me very unfortunate, it does speak to a larger issue that is far more in line with the topics I write about on this page. That issue is a prevalent lack of boundaries in our society.

Someone recounted to me recently a story of a young child that kicked them in the shin at a grocery store. This happened in full view of the child’s parent. The parent failed to apologize for the child’s actions, and in fact never took action to remove the child from the situation. Rather, the parent ignored the event and continued with her shopping. In my own town there is a story of a four year old boy that was killed last week when he was hit by a van that may have been driving too fast. At the time of the accident however the four year old was walking home alone from a playground and was hit in the middle of a well traveled street.

Each of the incidents I have described here are isolated occurrences. Yet, I believe that each speaks to a greater problem in our society. That is that we no longer believe in the establishment of boundaries.

A generation ago Malcolm X popularized the term “by any means necessary” as a call to action. Years later, Jack Welch, the former CEO of GE, established the “boundaryless organization” as a way to remove barriers, encourage cooperation and build trust. Today, one of the most popular terms used by young people is “whatever.” Each of these speaks to a sense that anything goes. Somewhere in our subconscious nature each of us is being told that given the right set of circumstances, or for the right reasons, we can do almost anything we choose. We no longer operate by a set of standards. We do not establish rules for acceptable behavior. We can justify and defend almost any action socially, politically, practically or morally. At some point there must be boundaries established. Some things must be deemed to be inappropriate or wrong.

There are laws in nature which are true for every time and every place in the universe. These laws are not subject to interpretation. They are absolutes. The laws of nature are what keep our world in balance. Natural laws do not require our agreement, and our opinions do not change natural laws. We seem to have shifted in our society to a point where we no longer believe in absolutes. Everything is conditional. This presumes that there are times when certain bad behaviors are acceptable. It presumes that human kindness is not required at all times. It further assumes that parents are not responsible for their children, when in fact each of these is incorrect.

As people we need to understand that there are limits. There are behaviors that are unacceptable. There are rules that should be followed without bending, and there will always be consequences for our actions. In our workplaces there are rules for the way that others should be treated. We should follow those rules. There are rules for the proper way to raise children and to teach them to relate to others. Parents should be required to follow those rules because the safety of their children is at stake. Socially there are rules that require us to respect all people and to treat everyone fairly. Breaking those rules without regard to political purposes, or social prejudices causes us all to lose.

Limits, rules and boundaries are all painful. Anytime we find that we just can not do anything that we desire we experience pain. Boundaries require self discipline and sacrifice. But more importantly, they require definition. We define our boundaries when we can say what we believe in and what we stand for. The boundaries are then created by those things that our outside of what we believe, or that do not agree with what we stand for. You can not establish boundaries on the fly. Social groups establish boundaries in advance so that everyone in the group knows what can and can not be done. Families establish boundaries when they establish what is and is not acceptable in the family. It is then up to each and every member to honor the established boundary.

The issue in Florida is tragic indeed. What is even more tragic still is that we will not stop and ask ourselves when should we establish clear limits so that we can know that there are things that we will not do? What has been lost in our culture in America is a sense that there is anything that we are willing to stand for such that we would die for what we believe. For me the ultimate in establishing boundaries is the creation of lines in our society that we can all agree we will never cross no matter the consequences. How can we expect our five year old children to have control when we as adults live lives where control over self is no longer a requirement? When anyone in our society can justify the arrest and handcuffing of our youngest children, then we should stand back and take notice that we are living in a world where there are no limits and the result can only then be chaos.

At Some Point the Dumbness Has to Stop

The other day I was standing with a group of people that I know casually. These were not people that I would make the mistake of referring to as friends, but people that I know through my children’s school, sports activities, and other social events. For the most part there were a number of conversations going on that did not involve me. This worked out well for me and I actually was enjoying spending the time not talking. Finally, someone asked me a question that required that I give them my opinion. Unfortunately, I knew immediately that my opinion on the matter being discussed was going to be unpopular. Yet, that did not keep me from expressing my opinion. Those nearby listening to me were shocked. How in the world could I hold an opinion that did not agree with the opinions of those in the group?

The discussion I was having in this group is not so important. The issue at hand was neither critical nor important. What was most interesting to me was how ill prepared most people are to hear opinions which differ from their own, or that differ from the crowd. It seems that when groups are gathered together that there is little real thinking going on. Rather, most groups just follow along like cattle. One or two people have a point of view, and everyone else seeking to belong either just follows, or tries to find a way to articulate the popular opinion while still sounding like they had an original thought.

My sense is that much of what is going on around us is just plain stupid. People are for the most part just moving nose to butt of the person in front of them. There is no examination of what we are doing, where we are going, and no one dares to question why. We are all generally uncommitted to any point of view or cause. There is just one large mass of people that just tolerate things as they are. Not too long ago a friend had a sign in their office that said “At some point the dumbness has to stop.” The mindless movement from place to place really does need to come to an end.

Two days ago I tuned in to NPR during the lunch hour. They are celebrating Poetry Month and on that day they featured a poem by Taylor Mali titled “Totally like whatever, you know?” This poem talks about the insidious question marks that have crept into our language and have been attaching themselves to sentences, even when the person has no intention of asking a question. Mali goes on to assert that we are generally uncommitted as a society and urges us to develop convictions. You can listen to the poem by following this link: POEM

As I examine the failures I see every day in business, in relationships, and in families I find that most can be traced back to this pervasive lack of commitment. We have become a society that has proven the old adage that says if you stand for nothing you will fall for anything. Independent thought or personal commitment of any kind is so lacking that we are shocked when we encounter anyone that has a genuine point of view. Even more amazing to me is that rather than attempting to reason through another’s viewpoint, we simply become intolerant and therefore dismiss that person.

I am convinced that most of the people I have the good fortune to know are very good people. However, very few are willing to suffer the pain and personal sacrifice that comes with developing a committed point of view. For the most part many of these are very smart people that are just doing very dumb things. They have become tolerant of their lack of commitment because it is much easier than the pain and sacrifice required to change. I know this on a personal level as I see in my own life the areas where having a commitment to an ideal is much harder than just continuing to do what I am doing. Even I need to read what I am writing.

So how do we move from this sense of totally like whatever? I dare to say that we must develop a sense of love and passion. I read once that Ray Kroc (the founder of McDonalds) said that in order to be successful in his business you had to love a hamburger bun. Most studies tell us that seventy percent of people do what they do because it just gets them by. They just tolerate their work, or their customers. This is not just a work problem. Most of us just tolerate our families, our friends and even have a “tolerable existence.” There is little passion in our lives.

I wonder when is the last time you got to ask yourself if you believe in what you are doing. How many of us care about the people around us whether they are customers, family, or friends? Now here is the interesting question. Do you think that others know that you don’t passionately believe in what you are doing? Do you think that your customers, employees, family or friends know that you just tolerate them? While we want to answer these questions in a way that puts us in a good light, it is time to be honest. They know! If they don’t know how you really feel then shame on you for not being genuine.

Are you doing what you are committed to? Can you describe in a sentence or two what you are passionate about? Does anyone else know? I think that it is time for us to believe in something, love something, and do something that we are committed to do. In the short term we will experience pain and sacrifice. In the long run with discipline we will achieve goals that we could never have dreamed possible, and emotionally we will find happiness. At some point the dumbness has to stop.