It’s Not What You Know, It’s Who You Know

So often in life we find our selves wondering about what it really takes to get ahead. We see one example after another of successful people and we wonder “How did they get that job?” We see people that sometimes have the uncanny ability to be in the right place at the right time. And every one of us knows that person that has a charmed career or is just plain lucky.

I remember early in my work career someone telling me “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.” That was often the explanation that was given for the person that seemed to move up quickly or that seemed to rise far above their abilities. This popular notion has led to networking as an art form with everyone having a differing viewpoint about how to best get to know people that can help your career. I remember so vividly the days of passing out business cards or saying “let’s do lunch” as the common way to make acquaintances and build relationships. There have been books published teaching us the tricks of the masters of networking so that we too can get to know all of the right people. I have read a couple of those books and they do offer sage advice on the art of networking. However, most of those books have tended to focus on what you can get from other people rather than what you can give.

I do not doubt for one moment that knowing the right people can serve you well in life and in business. I have benefited on more than one occasion from knowing someone that could open a door or make an introduction. I have even benefited from my last name when I was a younger Young. Yet, I think that focusing on knowing others can only work well for us if first we endeavor to know ourselves.

One of the things that I have been forced to do these past few years is to ask myself some serious questions. The first question came to me after I read an analogy about a telephone answering machine. The analogy pointed out that an answering machine is really a questioning machine. The machine asks us who we are, and what do we want. Perhaps the people you call have a less direct approach on their voice mail message, but the essence of those messages is to ask you two very important questions. Who are you? What do you want? I also added a third question for myself four years ago. That was, who do I want to be?

Have you taken the time lately to ask yourself one of these questions? Let’s start with the first one. Who are you? For me I know that the answer has changed many times over the years. I can remember a time when who I was could be reflected by how I dressed. Then later who I was could be found on my business card. As I continued to grow older who I was became my car, or my address. It was not until many years had gone by that I came to realize that who I am is best reflected by who people think that I am. My actions, my character, my beliefs should reflect who I am in such a way that all of the external trappings should not be relevant. Who are you?

The second question I was forced to examine is “What do you want?” Here again time has been the great clarifier for me. I can remember when what I wanted reflected my sense of status. My wants related to the wants of others that I admired. I wanted what they had or wanted. My dreams and my vision were not unique. Rather, they were the dreams or visions of having what I observed in others. In my younger years what I wanted could be easily boiled down to those things that satisfied me and me alone, or things that made me look successful. As shallow as that seems looking back, it does reflect my past reality. Now I notice that what I want is to make a difference in the lives of others. My wants have shifted from material possessions to my desire to teach others how to live a more balanced life and to live it earlier than I have done. What do you want?

The final question is “Who do I want to be?” For me this is the question that keeps me living. It is the question that understands that I am not finished yet and that there is so much more to learn, so much more that I can impact, and so much more to do. Who do I want to be allows me to see myself as a work in progress. It fuels my desire to read more, listen to others, and continually practice self examination. What I love most about this final question is that you never really get to complete the answer. It is the question that defines the road ahead, but the answers are always just around the next bend. I caution you here as this question and the answers you will find are no picnic.

Have you taken responsibility for who you are? Have you taken the time to examine yourself? I once read that coping with difficult people is always a problem, especially if the difficult person is you. Sometimes we are our own worse enemy. It is time to call a truce. Stop letting the person you are ruin your relationships, waste your money, or damage your health. You can start by networking with yourself. Imagine meeting yourself at a party. Ask yourself the questions you might ask of someone you really wanted to get to know. Ask a friend to tell you about yourself in the same manner that you would ask that friend about a person you wanted to meet. Finally, armed with your new information about this new person in your life, make decisions about who you want to be. It is never too late to become what you might have been.

The following words were written on the tomb of an Anglican bishop who lived in the eleventh century:

When I was young and free my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. But it too, seemed immovable. As I grew in my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it. And now as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realized: If I had only changed my self first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed my world.

Perhaps today is the day to take a good look at you and ask “Who am I, What do I want, Who do I want to be?