Are You Listening?

More than fifteen years ago I had a casual conversation with a friend and mentor that changed my way of thinking about dealing with people. In that conversation my friend said to me that all people want to be understood, accepted, valued, and part of a trusting relationship. He was giving me this advice as I was preparing to make a presentation for a prospective client for my young company. However, the words struck me and stayed with me far beyond the presentation that I was preparing on that day. Since then I have thought back to that conversation and have incorporated his comments into my personal philosophy, and have taught this to others over the years. Today I want to focus on just one aspect of this philosophy which is the need for people to be understood.

In Franklin Covey’s Seven Habits of highly successful people Habit five is “Seek first to understand then to be understood.” This is called the habit of empathic listening. When listening empathically we seek to truly understand what the other person is saying. We listen deeply. In listening deeply we have the chance to see the world from the perspective of the other person, rather than the more typical sort of listening which is when we listen for clues that relate to our own experiences, knowledge or point of view. As soon as we hear one of those triggers, we jump into response mode and begin our own dialogue usually ignoring what the other person said.

Each of us yearns to be understood. Those of us that spend time writing exercise our craft in an effort to get our message out to the world. Writing creates a unique opportunity for understanding because writing is a unilateral dialogue. We have the opportunity when writing to flesh out our thoughts without immediate commentary criticism or interruption. While this is certainly a form of communication, even when writing we can not be assured that our message is understood. Even as a reader reads these words an autobiographical tape is running through their head. Those thoughts are the real impediments to truly understanding another.

People want to be understood. You and I and everyone we know have a deep need to be understood. We want people to listen to us. We want them to connect with our feelings. When we communicate we are reaching out. Sometimes that communication is us reaching out for advice or answers. At other times we just need a sympathetic ear. And at still other times we just need an audience so that we can talk out loud and sort out our thoughts for ourselves. The key as a listener is to know which of these responses is being required of you, and then act accordingly.

I must admit here that I am probably most guilty of failing to listen. Just yesterday I was engaged in a conversation where my wife was asking me a question. If you have ever watched the television show Jeopardy then this scenario will sound familiar. My wife was about half way through what she was saying when I interrupted her and gave her the answer. She immediately hit the buzzer and pointed out that my answer had nothing to do with what was ultimately her question. I had given a great answer to the wrong question. The reason this happened was that as usual I was not listening. I stopped in my tracks, let her finish, confirmed that I now understood the actual question, and then and only then was I able to provide an answer. This scenario has been played out far too often in my personal and professional life.

In order to truly understand another we need to slow down our own expectations. Most of us think that we are required to give immediate and brilliant answers to every question as though we were competing on a game show. We blurt out answers without understanding the question. We slam on the buzzer in mid conversation interrupting the other person quickly telling them how the same thing happened to us, or “when I was your age”, or “you think that is something, let me tell you.”

In a recent telephone conversation I was intent on listening to the problem being described by a friend. At the beginning of the conversation my friend said “I want to ask you a question.” As my friend talked I just listened intensely. I worked hard on turning off the monitor in my head that typically sorts out answers and scenarios. I turned off that little voice with the quick answer or witty reply. I just sat there and listened. After a point my friend stopped and said “hello, are you still there?” I responded that yes I was but I was just listening. We laughed together as this is something I do so rarely that my friend was convinced that we had been disconnected. My friend then went on discussing the problem. At the end we both realized that she really had not wanted to ask a question, but rather just wanted to talk about her current situation. We both got a huge laugh from that but we learned a valuable lesson. Just listening was all that was required in that conversation. In fact in that conversation no question was actually asked. My friend just wanted to be understood. The problem was not solved in that conversation, but both my friend and I felt as though we had truly communicated in that moment.

In order to understand people we must learn to listen. Learn to look directly into the eyes of the person you are talking to. At first this will typically scare both you and the person you are talking to. Most of us are inexperienced with paying close attention. Practice this skill. Next, make sure that your responses are only questions for clarification, or words that acknowledge that you are listening. Finally, when the other person is done talking, make sure that you review what you heard them tell you and take the time to ask them if you understood what they were saying. Listen again as they clarify their point in response to your question. All the while practice looking at the person, and giving them your full attention. And by the way, if you are doing this on the telephone it might be helpful if every so often you say a word or two just to let the person know you are still on the line.

As I write this today I am aware of several instances over the past couple of days when I was not listening very well. Today I am going to go back to apologize to those people to let them know that I did not seek to understand them. I can’t go back to those moments but I can redouble my efforts to become a better listener. I can practice listening empathically, and I can concentrate on not interrupting or telling my personal story in conversations. I am a better listener today than I have ever been. Still, there are times when I fail in this area. Today is a practice day for me. So if we engage in a conversation today please know that I am listening. If all you do is read this then thanks for listening to my point of view.