The Roles We Play

Just the other day I saw a trailer for a new film starring Pierce Brosnan. The movie is called “The Matador.” I have not seen the film and have no real plans to watch it except should I catch it on cable someday. What caught my interest in this film at all is the fact that the star is Pierce Brosnan. If you are a fan of James Bond movies (I am), then for the past few years you likely associate Brosnan with his role as James Bond. Not to offend Bond purist here, I will comment that Brosnan is not my favorite Bond, but certainly a likeable one for me since after all, what man in his 50’s wouldn’t want to play along side Halley Berry? You have to admire him for that if nothing else.

To my point here, Pierce Brosnan is now playing in a role that is very anti-Bond. His character in his latest movie is an assassin who drinks too much, is a womanizer, and calls himself “a facilitator of fatalities.” Hmm, that gives new meaning to the role of facilitator, but then that would be a digression not worth taking for now. Before this movie, to my thinking, Pierce Brosnan was James Bond. It is a role to which he is well suited. He is suave, good looking, and of course, he has a great British accent even though he was born in Ireland. Yet, let’s not forget that Brosnan is after all just playing a role.

While very few of us have genuine acting talent, we are all called upon to play roles. Not just those that you did at school (my most famous role was as the Yield Sign in elementary school). But rather, the roles that we are asked to play in the lives of those that matter most to us. Of course the roles do vary. Some of us play the role of Mom or Dad. Others are Wives or Husbands (speaking of which, those in the role of husband had better get their gift on as today is one that can land you in the dog house if you screw up). There is the role that many of us have as employee, or boss, or manager, or student. Having a clear understanding of our roles can help us to live them well. While I have a number of roles that I play in life, the one that I was thinking of today is the role of friend.

Friendship is something that I think can be often taken too lightly. We are quick to call people a friend. We have work friends, school friends, girl friends, and boy friends. Just the fact that there are so many types of friends suggests that the label is used too loosely. I have read that friends can come for a reason or a season. While that sounds reasonable, can you really imagine being a friend for a “limited time only?” People do pass through our lives and we do all have memories of that friend from our teenage years, or that friend from college. The fact is that these people have not really passed from your life, but rather, these are friends that you have lost touch with. I think this can happen when we don’t really live in the role of friend.

If you don’t suffer from a social disorder you probably have a broad base of relationships. You may have friends from your work place, friends from your neighborhood, friends from church, and even friends from your gym. But have you ever stopped to think about what your friendships mean to you? Also, have you ever wondered if those that you consider as friends consider you in the same light? What defines a friend? How do you make friends? And, how do you lose a friend?

I think that the bond of friendship is built upon trust. Friends are the people who know you well, and even after that still like you. Friends share our secrets and when necessary, hold our hearts. Friends are loyal to us even when we are absent. Friends care. Friends feel your hurts and pains, and friends love you even when you are likely least deserving. Friends ask the question “how are you?” and then actually wait for the answer. Friends give you constructive feedback not because they had to tell you, but because they care about your development.

In my life I have had the good fortune to have many friends. As I have gotten older I am very sparing in my use of that label. While I do still meet new friends, it is more likely that now I just get to know very good people. My reasoning for this is that friendship is a role that I now play. I take the role very seriously. There was a time when I could easily discard a friend. Perhaps they hurt my feelings, or maybe they failed to live up to my expectations. I can remember losing friends when they simply failed to call me. I have grown since those days. Now, my friends are friends for life. We go through our ups and downs together. I call it “doing life together.”

I love my role as a friend. I am getting better at it. I am learning to nurture those I care about. I am becoming a better listener. I work on being attentive, and I strive to stay in touch through phone calls, lunches, meetings, and email. I am not a perfect friend. I still have the occasional misstep. I also still fail at times. What is new for me though is that when I fail I come back and earnestly let my friends know that I was wrong.

Being a friend is a complicated role. It takes some thought and not just a bit of skill. Yet, it is a role that I relish, and I so much enjoy those that play that role in my life as well.

Now, let’s go back to Pierce Brosnan. He recently lost his role as James Bond. He has moved on to new acting roles. However, like an old friend, Brosnan will always be Bond for me because you see when you play a role well, you really don’t lose it. Brosnan will always be Bond, and to my friends I will always be a friend.

The Kind of Guy I Am

One of the things that I have learned in my life is that we should never label people. This is particularly true when we make decisions about a person simply based on the way that they look or the clothes they wear. Such labels presume to prejudge us. Despite this knowledge, most of us do still label others. In fact, many times we even label ourselves. Generally, when we label ourselves the intent is not to be negative. Our personal labels tend to be used to explain some feature or personal attribute. “I am big boned,” “I have always been skinny,” “I am just very observant,” to list but a few of the labels we give to our selves.

I am guilty at times of placing labels on people. I work against this and most times I am successful in forestalling any judgment until I really get to know a person. While I have gotten better at not labeling others, I do still place labels on myself. One label that I have placed on myself is that I am a “Hat Guy.” I have not always been a hat guy. As best as I can tell I became a hat guy fairly late in my thirties, or certainly by the time I was in my early forties. For me, becoming a hat guy was really more a matter of my evolution. As my hair became thinner, I seemed to notice that I began to wear hats.

Some people are born hat guys. My twin boys are that way. Their very first pictures, taken minutes after their birth, shows them sporting those hospital beanie caps that are typically blue for boys or pink for girls. The boys are ten now and even this morning as they left the house for school they both were wearing hats (Steelers Super Bowl Championship cap for Alex, and a Roots Toque in matching Pitt Basketball colors for Max). They are still hat guys.

There are guys that consider themselves jeans guys. These guys swear that all they ever wear are jeans. Then there are sneaker guys, the guys that own ten or twelve pairs of sneakers. If you are a Seinfeld fan you may recall that Jerry Seinfeld is a sneaker guy. There are sweater guys. Imagine seeing Bobby Knight without a sweater. Bobby is a sweater guy. But me, I am just a hat guy.

I have noticed lately that there are a number of us hat guys. Some of us are pretty famous. Who can’t envision Samuel L. Jackson, the famous actor wearing his Kangol hat backwards (with the kangaroo visible) he is one cool looking hat guy. Then there is country singing star Tim McGraw (you know Faith Hill’s husband). He is a hat guy. He is always seen wearing his cowboy hat (I think they have gotten bigger over the years). Just recently I saw him and his wife on a television show (alright the truth is that it was Oprah and now one of my other secrets is out) cooking together, and there he was wearing a hat, in the kitchen! You really have to be a hat guy to wear a hat when you are cooking, unless perhaps he has some other motive for wearing his hat all the time in public?


I have a large collection of hats. My current favorite is a bright yellow one that most of my friends say doesn’t look good on me. My wife has not commented on this hat and whether or not the color is right for me, but then she is probably so busy working on my many other foibles that the hat issue can for now at least wait a while. Then there is the friend who commented on my hat “is this hat thing new with you?”

My hat collection includes a black Starbucks Barista hat that my brother managed to get for me one Christmas. At the time, you had to actually work at Starbucks to have one of those. Now, you can get them on eBay for about $50.00 bucks. I think mine was purchased for less than $10. That hat caused a woman in Arizona to stop me in a grocery store to ask if I was an owner of a Starbucks. That was a strange question to ask a guy with a basket of groceries just because he was wearing a hat. Then again, perhaps it suggests that maybe I don’t look so goofy after all when wearing a hat.

There are guys that look cool no matter what hat they are wearing. My brother in law has a black ski hat he wears that looks like the equivalent of a thick stocking turned upside down with a knot tied in the top. Like most things he wears, he makes the hat look cool. Of course, he also used to wear his Pennsylvania State Trooper hat before he retired, and managed to make that pointy top hat look pretty cool too.

I am not cool. My hats don’t make me look cool, mysterious, or even hide my identity. I wear hats because my head is bald. The hat keeps me warm in the winter, and keeps me from getting sunburned in the summer. I don’t wear hats when I cook or when I am indoors so I am not hiding under mine like a certain country singing sensation. I do however wear hats at night (another secret let out). Before you laugh at that just remember the line from The Night before Christmas which goes “and Ma in her kerchief and I in my cap.”

I think that being a hat guy has made me stand out lately. I was working in Canada two weeks ago when the weather was cold, snowy, and just plain nasty. All of the guys that I was with that week did not wear hats. So each day as we left the building, I would don my hat while the other guys would just walk out into the snow. I don’t know but maybe the guys in Canada just have a much stronger constitution than me. Or maybe, just maybe, no one ever told them about just how cool it would look for them to pick out their own personal hat and wear it all the time.

Come to think of it, my wearing a hat is just a part of my personal leadership. I wear hats because they make sense to me. It is not about style, fashion, or even good looks. I am just a hat guy, and beyond how they help me to stay well I don’t think I ever thought much about them. I guess this is one label that is going to have to stick. I am just a hat guy. It is part of who I am.

Technology Overload

Inventory:

Three Remote Control devices
Ipod with portable speakers
Logitech Mini Cam
Electronic Calculator
Blackberry Cell phone
Blue Tooth Headset
Wireless Mouse
Laptop Computer
7 port USB hub (5 ports in use)
Iomega Zip 250 Drive
1 Gigabyte Pen Drive

These are all of the electronic devices on my desk at this moment. I took this inventory when I realized that I was taking leave of my senses. That is to say that I was feeling as though the basics such as tactile senses, or using my memory, or even getting up from my desk chair was beginning to seem foreign. From my desk I control my laptop (which is wirelessly connected to the internet), my television which tunes me in to C-Span right now, my radio, which I use to listen to certain NPR shows as the day goes on, and I can control my Ipod as I change the music to meet the mood or tasks at hand. Then of course, let’s not forget the Blackberry which I check without thinking every few minutes as there may be some earth shattering email requiring my attention (even though Outlook is also running on the laptop).

I mention all of this today not to impress you, but to call your attention to a problem that I experienced and a new awareness that I have come to. For a brief moment today my cell phone stopped working. Actually, it seems that the email component was not working. I immediately felt uneasiness in the pit of my stomach as my connection to the world seemed to have been severed. I quickly contacted my wireless provider to see if I could resolve this now very important problem. The automated voice mail attendant announced that my wait time would be approximately 2 minutes. The panic began to rise. What could be the problem? I did pay the bill, is there something else? How will I work around this? Maybe the Blackberry lawsuit has somehow caused my service to be terminated. What will I do now?

Less than 2 minutes goes by and a very friendly and helpful Customer Service Representative assures me that all is well with my account. He instructs me to shut off my phone for about 30 seconds while he resends activation instructions to my telephone. When I turn the phone back on, messages begin to come through and my connection to the world is restored. All of this is completed in the space of less than 5 minutes from the time of my call. I can feel the racing of my heart begin to slow. I am still wet from the perspiration, but I know that will go away as soon as I dry off. I thank the representative for his helpful assistance, and then just to be sure I call my home telephone number from my cell phone. Making doubly sure I also call a friend long distance so that I know that too is working. It works! The world will not have to solve its problems today without my input. Email messages will arrive on my Blackberry at the rate of at least two or three per hour and I can feel productive sending and receiving messages throughout the day.

While this is my true story of my working reality, I don’t think that this is how it should be. Two weeks ago I began to experiment with moving myself down the technology chain and going back to my pen and paper planning system. I thought that perhaps I should develop a means to integrate the old fashioned system of actually writing down my tasks, appointments, and daily notes on (hold on to your seats) an actual piece of paper. I have now for the past two weeks even tracked my Work Compass (a planning tool I use) on paper rather than electronically. My daily notes are once again being written on paper and filed in my planner. I will admit that I am still putting certain key notes in the computer under the theory that that makes them “searchable.”

There is something about the sensory response of using pen and paper. My tasks as an example are right there in front of me all day. I am happily checking off the things I plan to do for the day and I feel a great sense of accomplishment as I work through the list. Even though I have yet to clear the day’s list and each day I write a new list, just knowing that I can see what is in front of me has reduced my dread and feeling of being overwhelmed. My hand written notes on my daily notes sheets are now a great way to reflect on my day and bring me a sense of what I have yet to do in a reassuring way. Each reminder is there, the telephone numbers that I get in a phone call, even the note reminding me of my boy’s activities (tonight is movie night at school) are right there in front of me.

We move up the technology chain with the idea that each new device or gadget we buy will simplify our existence. Our offices become command centers where we sit at the center of our world in command of all we see. These are very tempting illusions. I find that the reality is that all of these devices end up controlling us and really limiting our time. Setting up the remotes, configuring the Blackberry, synching up the Blue Tooth device, (making sure it works properly while not draining the telephone battery). Doing all of this takes up huge amounts of our available mental space.

I will be the first to admit that I am a techno geek. I love to have the latest and greatest devices and gadgets. I am a certified early adopter and I continually look for new ways to increase my effectiveness. Yet, today I have been reminded of the simplicity of pen and paper. There is a beauty in being able to see forward and backward by just reading a note, or checking my schedule on the calendar. There is satisfaction in checking off one more of those “A” items on my task list. Of course, I am writing this on my laptop and will soon send a copy wirelessly to the printer. I will transmit this to my blog site on the internet, and I will email it to my friends (and a copy will arrive on my Blackberry). Still, I am once again learning to celebrate the simplicity of pen and paper. Going forward I am now sure that I will integrate the two much more consistently.

I have to go now. One of my “A” items today was writing this blog, and now I am done. One more check mark with my pen on the task list. What a great feeling!

What I Believe

I have noticed a trend among my friends and business associates. It seems that in the regular telephone calls that I both make and receive, at some point in the conversation one of us will ask the other “What does your day look like?” The intent of the question is to gain a sense as to just how busy a person might be that day. The answer to that question will of course vary with each person that I talk to, but generally, the answers will revolve around a review of the schedule for that day. Some times the schedule is very busy and then at other times not. Yet, every person seems to focus only on the tasks that are directly in front of them. It is as though we are living sort of a day to day existence. I believe that life should be much more than that, and that there is a way to live a fuller life.

I was thinking of all of this in the context of something that I listened to on Public Radio the other day. Each week my local station airs a feature titled “This I Believe.” The brief segments feature both famous and not so famous people reading brief statements about their personal beliefs. Funny, but as I write these words it has occurred to me for the first time that not once in listening to these features have I heard a person talking about their religion. This is funny to me because to my normal way of thinking a statement of belief generally runs to our personal faith or religious credo. Rather, the weekly “This I Believe” segments are about the basic beliefs on life and living from the perspective of ordinary people. Some of the statements are extraordinary and have moved me to tears with their depth and emotion. Others reflect a perspective perhaps gained from a life of service or sacrifice. Some of the statements have been funny and make you think. This led me to ponder about what we believe. Questions such as if asked, what would the people I know say that they believe in? Not the heavy duty questions like do you believe in God, but instead questions that would focus on the deeply held truths that really do impact our thinking and our actions.


Thinking of what others might say to some of my questions of course then caused me to wonder about my own answers. Of course I then immediately fancied myself reading on NPR my profound statement of what I believe. I imagined that I would write something that would be moving and inspiring and would generate comments from listeners anxious to hear more from this great thinker. Before I could go off too deeply on that particular fantasy, I realized that I had not ever really thought about what I believe deep down in my very soul. Before I could imagine writing something profound, I had to first really think about what I believed. This has been on my mind for about a month now. What I have learned is that just the thought of telling anyone what I really believe is very frightening. What if someone actually knew what I believed? Would people think less of me? What if my beliefs were in conflict with those that I love or respect? Will I lose friends? How would my statement of beliefs impact my business relationships? Is the whole idea just foolishness?

My experience has been that when I have a chance to really get to know someone, I always have a sense of what they stand for. I get to know those things in their life that are the “non-negotiable” principles. I get to know what they believe. Even when I don’t agree, I am always struck by the fact that there are still people in this world that have things that they stand for. I often come away saying that I want to be just like that. Not that I want to have their principles, but rather, I want to make clear my own. That has led me to create my own statement. My version of what I believe. A word of caution is appropriate here as what I believe may offend some of the people that I work with, and may offend my friends. I also know that articulating what I believe may forever hurt my job prospects if a potential employer or client does an internet search on me. Right here in black and white I could well doom my chances for future employment. Yet, the very boldness of this prospect is interesting to me. So, if you intend to read further, I ask only one thing. Whatever you think about what I believe, take the time to tell me. You can write to me, or call me, but tell me at least before you tell another human being.

I believe in God. This is not just an intellectual acceptance that there is a supreme being that exists in control of everything, but for me, this means that I believe that I am one of his children. Actually, this is my most foundational belief and frames for me much of everything I believe.

I believe in laughter. I laugh often at myself and I enjoy making others laugh. I mention this right after my belief in God because I also believe that God has a great sense of humor, and as his son, I just carry on the traits of my father. I believe the world is a very simple place. We are the ones that make it difficult.

I believe that everything we do, feel, and experience is a matter of choice. I believe that the wiser our choices, the better the life we live. I believe that there are only a few things in the world that I can control. I believe in focusing on those things, and through that focus I find that my influence has grown.

I believe that I am a leader. However, unlike many leaders, I spend most of my time just leading myself. I believe that we could all do a better job in that area.

I believe that I have been given incredible opportunities in my lifetime and I am grateful that I have been so fortunate. I believe that I have something to share in my point of view and I believe that I can teach others how to live life more successfully.

I believe that not much matters more to me than my family and those that I love. I believe that “stuff” can get in the way of what is really important and we should be careful not to have too much.

I believe that we don’t talk to people enough, and when we do we are generally not honest. I believe that when we are honest with people we usually are being self-serving.

I believe that each of us plays an important role in the life of someone that we hardly notice. I believe that we ought to seek out that person and decide to make a real difference in their life.

I believe that each of us is truly powerful beyond measure (see my first belief to bear this out) and that we must stop living small insignificant lives and really live up to the gifts we each have been given. I believe that I have greatness in my heredity. I believe that I will live up to that heritage as I help others to recognize their own greatness.

Finally, I believe that really thinking about what you believe helps to focus our lives on what really matters, and in that we can find relief from our stress, and a renewed focus that will give clear and compelling direction in our lives.

This is what I believe.

Discovering What We Want

On Saturday mornings we ride bikes. This was one of the unspoken rules of a group of grown men that for a brief time became known as the “Beechers.” There were many rules in this group of neighbors, most of whom where in their early fifties. There were macho rules like don’t ever quit or say you are tired. There were drafting rules that dictated that every rider would spend some time at the front allowing the other riders to draft off of them. There were even rules that dictated how far we would ride before we stopped for breakfast. Each of these rules was never voted upon, or decided, as this group had no real leader. This was just a group of guys that decided together that on Saturday mornings we ride bikes.

Over the years the “members” of the Beechers changed from time to time. We added to our number as more of the men in the neighborhood decided to ride with us. There was even a time, although very brief, when some of the neighborhood women would join our Saturday morning rides. These rides would consist of 25 to 35 mile treks from our Northside neighborhood, to points in the suburbs. Where we went depended upon the distance we planned to travel that day, which was one of the few things that was decided in advance. The most consistent riders among the Beechers were Larry and Dan. For a while the group included John, Mark, Bob, Chip, Jim, and me. I was the youngest in the group.

During our rides we rode hard and we talked. We talked about politics, religion, sex, the military, and life. Many of these topics led to heated discussions, and at times tempers would flare. However, the good thing about doing this while riding a bike is that even if you are angry, you are still perhaps 15 miles from home so you just might as well get over it. I learned a lot during those rides, but mostly I learned about the people that I called my neighbors and later began to call them my friends. The friendships that evolved from those rides have endured for nearly 20 years.

Our riding days together preceeded Lance Armstrong’s victories in the Tour de France. We also began riding together in the years before the rising popularity of all-terrain or mountain bikes. We rode racing bikes. These bikes were light weight, had small tires, and could easily reach speeds of 45 miles an hour going down hills. We all knew this for a fact as each of us equipped our bikes with speedometers, and odometers to track our rides. It was not uncommon at the end of a ride that someone would check their top speed and let us know that at one point we had been traveling at 47 miles per hour. It was this speed that made these rides dangerous. Many of us have watched in horror on television as riders fall off of their bikes. When watching a race we see how quickly an accident can happen and television cameras show us the damage to both the bike and the rider. Each of us that rode together knows first hand the risks of taking long rides through the city on a racing bike. Almost to a man we each suffered accidents of varying severity. Bruised ribs, broken legs, broken collar bones, or concussions are badges we all wear.

Two days ago Dan had an accident on his bike. His accident is by far the most severe that any of us have suffered. Dan shattered his hip, broke his collar bone, broke several ribs, and damaged his lung. Fortunately, as has been our practice, Dan was wearing his helmet and suffered no damage to his head. Dan is 62 years old.

I visited Dan in the Trauma unit yesterday. He was pretty banged up. After talking about the events surrounding his accident, we started one of those bicycle conversations. We began talking about what people want. Dan owns a business. He is married to a lovely woman that is an award winning artist and retired teacher. He has two attractive and well educated adult daughters, and two grandchildren. He has a beautiful home, and two late model automobiles. By most measures Dan is successful. But at that moment, there in the trauma unit, I realized that Dan would have easily traded places with me as I stood while he was lying there with his leg in traction. At the same time, I believe that had I been the one lying there in traction, Dan would also have gladly traded places with me. Life can be fickle among friends.

More than 15 years ago while standing in the alley street behind our homes Dan taught me what people want. He told me then that people want to be understood, accepted, valued, and part of a trusting relationship. I have shared Dan’s philosophy with many people since that day. I even have friends that will call me on the telephone to remind them about Dan’s philosophy. For years I have tried to find a way to make Dan’s philosophy more easily transferable to others. I often wrote down the letters U, A, V, and T, trying to find a way to make those letters make sense. On the eve of Dan’s accident at 1:30 in the morning I finally realized what was missing. The answer is love. The thing that Dan’s philosophy did not include was that people want to be loved.

As Dan, his wife Holly, and I talked there in the Trauma unit we agreed that when we add the word “loved” to Dan’s philosophy, we get five letters that help us to understand and grasp what we really want. We have been programmed by marketers of all kinds to think that we want wealth, or power, or material possessions. We are constantly bombarded by messages that tell us to “trust me”, “watch me”, “listen to me”, “and be like me.” All of these messages have taken away our ability to focus in the moment.

In the moment, we can see clearly. In the moment, we can understand what we really want. Talking to Dan in the Trauma unit we experienced one of those “in the moment” times. Dan made the message so very clear to me. He said “Harvey, we can help people see what is inside the vault”. What is inside is not wealth. The vault does not contain material goods. The vault does not demand that you look like me, or listen to me. But inside the vault there is power that is immeasurable.

Take a look inside the vault and you can learn the secret to what people really want. The secret is what you want too. Inside you will learn this: People want to be Valued, Accepted, Understood, Loved, and part of a Trusting relationship. That is the simple secret of what is inside the vault.

My friend Dan has a long road to recovery. I know that he is going to do well. I know this because Dan already understands what was inside the vault. He lives his life with the clarity of being in the moment. Dan’s message, this message, is one that everyone should hear. In the coming days I will begin to outline how we can live our lives in a way that brings us what we want.

Running Through Our Fears

I started running when I was a child growing up in Philadelphia. When I started I did not so much run for fitness but rather as part of the games I played when I walked to or from school. The games consisted of trying to see how far away I could get from a certain point in so many seconds. I would pretend that a bomb was going to explode at a point. My objective was to be so many feet or yards away in order to be safe. These games were like spy games that I played when I was around twelve years old.

I took up running as a part of my fitness routine later when I was seventeen. At that time I ran as a way to relax and escape the pressures of school and work. I would run anywhere from three to five miles each day. Quite a few years have gone by since then, and I do still run on occasion as a part of my fitness routine. However, most of my aerobic exercise these days consists of riding a stationary bike, taking long walks, or walking two to three miles on a treadmill. Running long distance no longer appeals to me physically as the recovery time for my body has gotten longer and longer over the years. Still, I run on occasion because I still like the feeling of gliding through the air swiftly moving from place to place under my own power. I also like the rhythm. If you have ever run or had the chance to listen to the footsteps of a runner you know that there is a consistent rhythm to running. When you run for distance you fall into a cadence. This is a soothing sound that creates a rhythm as each foot strikes the ground. Runners use this cadence as a feedback system that helps them to know that they are on whatever pace they have set. After running for a number of years experienced runners can hear that cadence in their heads and can differentiate between the cadence of a seven minute mile and a nine minute mile. Even though I now run infrequently, I can still hear the pace in my head.

When I began running all those years ago I always considered it a solitary activity. Because running is something you can do with very little advance planning, most of my running time was through city streets or sometimes in a park when there was one nearby. I never imagined then that someday I might have the chance to run with my own children. Yet, yesterday I had just such an opportunity.

I committed to run daily with my sons as part of helping them to prepare for the soccer season. We had been talking about the need to become fit in order to effectively play most sports. In soccer in particular, I had noticed that my boys would tire in the late portions of their games. While they seemed no more tired than the other children, it occurred to me that my boys were finally at an age when we could begin to do some conditioning work. So, we committed to run a mile each day.

I realized yesterday that children don’t run distance anymore. In fact there is not much in the way of physical fitness required of young children in our schools. The result is that before yesterday only one of my sons had ever actually run a mile. And even for that son, he ran his first mile only the day before. Additionally, I understood that for my son Alex, the thought of running a mile was really not on his personal radar screen. Still, like most young boys he wanted to keep pace with his brother and if for no other reason he wanted to give it a try.

My children are only ten and so we did not want to run in the city streets. At the same time, I did not want to turn this outing into a production that would require us to go to a formal track to run laps. So we decided that we would go to Heinz Field, home of the Pittsburgh Steelers, and run around the circumference of the building. Our plan was to run around the building as many times as was necessary to complete our mile. We knew that this would afford us a continuous stretch of sidewalk on which we could run safely. It also did not hurt that the field is only a few blocks from our home and we could easily walk there and back.

When we arrived at the field we began our run. Like most children the boys took off at a rapid pace. Max was leading the way and Alex was right behind him. Given the forty years difference in our ages, I knew that I could not think about joining them. Also, since we had not charted out the distance in advance, at the beginning I had no idea how many times around the stadium would be required. I knew that I needed to go the distance and so I set out at a very easy pace, probably close to a ten or twelve minute mile.

Before we made one complete revolution around the stadium both of the boys had slowed their pace. But, I noticed that Alex had slowed considerably. While he was still running in front of me (an agreement we made in advance that the boys must stay in front of me), I could tell that he was laboring. First Max shouted encouragement to him and Alex continued to run. Then he told us that he had a pain in his side which runners know is that familiar “stitch” you get early in a run. Max again shouted encouragement and told him that the pain would only last for a little while then it would go away. I just watched and paid close attention to Alex to make sure he was in no real danger. At one level I was dealing with the demons in my own head telling me that I could not run the distance, and reminding me of my age compared to my sons. On a whole other level I could feel the competitive spirit in me telling me that I could not let my boys down and that I had to go the distance.

As I continued to run my mind went back to the days of my youth. I reminded myself of the pace that I could hear in my head. I settled in by just keeping the pace and continuing to move myself forward. By this time I was running side by side with Alex with Max continuing to run just a bit ahead of us. As we ran together I was talking to Alex and checking to see that he was alright. I suggested to him that if the pain became too great that he could stop running and walk the rest of the way. He declined, and I could see in his face that he wanted to succeed at this. Realizing his desire to succeed, I began to talk to Alex about pace. I told him that we had to just keep our pace and go one step at a time.

After we had completed our first time around the stadium I had a clear sense of what was now required to reach our goal. As it turns out the distance around the stadium is equal to nearly one half mile. I told Alex about this and we continued running together step for step and I offered encouragement to him as much as myself letting him know just how many more turns we had to go. We talked about breathing evenly and just making sure that he ran no faster than me. I pointed out that we were going to make it as long as we kept our pace the same.

When we rounded the final stretch of our run with about a quarter mile to go, I noticed that Max made a start at running faster. Looking back and seeing that Alex and I were keeping the same pace he quickly gave up on his idea of a sprint to the finish. When Alex and I reached the final turn and completed our mile he looked at me with a proud sense of accomplishment. We gave each other high fives, and acknowledged that we had made it. We both walked over to Max and he too gave us a high five as we celebrated that moment.

When we started out on our run we did not know how many laps around the stadium were required. We faced an unknown that led to fear and doubt about our ability. We became aware that reaching our goal was causing us considerable pain. When we are in uncharted waters we don’t know if we can reach our goal. Sometimes we can find ourselves alone as we take each step or we realize that the pain and sacrifice may be too great. Or maybe we realize that we initially set out at a pace that we can no longer maintain. This is the time when we experience failure and defeat. This is the time when we need to pull up along side a friend or a coach or a mentor. We need to begin to pace ourselves so that we can reach our goals. We need to experience the reaffirming assurances of someone that cares about our success who not only tells us that we can make it, but takes every step along the way with us and experiences the same pain.

When we manage to face our unknown fears and conquer our pain we realize that in order to reach our goals we just need to take one step at a time. We have to learn to hear the rhythm of our steps. Each step moves us closer to our goals. When we give in to pain or fear we regret those failures. But, when we work through the pain, and keep pace to the goal, we experience an exhilaration that is unimaginable. The joy and sense of accomplishment on Alex’s face is the image that I will keep in my head forever as I strive for difficult goals. It is that look that reminds me that we can face our fears, and we can reach our goals in life if we just go one step at a time.

Success One Step at a Time

Yesterday we experienced another one of those beautiful days that often come at the end of summer in Pittsburgh. With moderate temperatures and low humidity, September days are days when you still want to go outside. With the children adjusting to only their second week of school, we are finding that every evening we spend time outdoors just playing in front of the house. Or, to be more specific I find myself outside reading while the children are playing in front of the house. Neighborhood children as young as one year old are outside with their parents and we all seem to just congregate as the children play. Given the urban setting of our home, most of the games are played in the street with cars parked on either side. The children routinely yell out “car” as a vehicle comes down the street. For the most part our one-way street does not get a great deal of traffic, and most of the cars coming down the street are usually sight seeing taking a look at the Victorian homes and interesting architecture.

It seems that somehow yesterday my sons finished their homework a bit earlier than their neighborhood friends. This meant that for at least a few minutes my sons would be playing together without the company of their friends. Even though my children are twins, at their current age they are reluctant to play outside with just themselves. Rather, they wait for the company of other children at or near their age so that they can engage in one or another of the “made up” games that they play every day. While the boys were waiting for their friends to show up my son Max walked over to a small patch of grass that borders the old church on the corner of our street. This patch of grass that we call the “church yard” has been the closest play area for my children and all of the other children in our neighborhood since the boys were old enough to walk. It has been the site of petting zoos and once even hosted an elephant providing rides for children for just one dollar. My own sons have learned to bat (resulting in one broken stained glass window), pitch, throw a football, and even race on this patch of grass which is less than 20 yards long and 20 feet wide. But grass is still grass no matter how wide or long and children will always find a game that they can play at the church yard.

Max walked to one end of the grass and started in an easy jog to run to the opposite end. Reaching the opposite end he turned around and then jogged back to the starting point. I watched as he continued this back and forth all alone on the grass over and over again. Curious, I finally walked over to the grass to ask Max what he was doing. He said that he was “running a mile.” I asked him how given the small size of the area on which he was running he would know when he had reached his goal? He then lifted up his shirt and there clipped to his belt was a pedometer that had been recently given to him as a gift from my brother. I did not want to burst his bubble by telling him that given the size of the space on which he was running he would likely need to run back and forth over 80 times to reach his goal. Rather, I just watched as he frequently checked his pedometer and continued to run back and forth.

I continued to watch Max running and I was pleasantly surprised by his persistence. He continued to run until finally his pedometer displayed a total distance of one mile. I did not count how many times he actually had to run back and forth, and I also recognize that generally pedometers are only “fair estimates” of total distance traveled. I personally wear a pedometer most days with a goal of walking 10,000 steps. Most days I meet or exceed my goal, but here again the accuracy of the pedometer is really not the point. The point for me is to have a goal that is relative to the last time I set out to achieve it. Whether my 10,000 steps is really 8,000 steps or is actually 12,000 steps is not the point. For me the point is to have a measurable goal that I can strive to achieve every day.

This morning I asked Max if he wanted to run after school. He wondered how far we would run and I said well I thought I would run with you to accomplish your one mile per day goal. I also asked Alex if he wanted to join us. They both wanted to know where we would run. I suggested that we could run around our neighborhood until we achieved one mile. I was amused when they both said to me that running a mile around the neighborhood seemed pretty far. Then I pointed out to them that it was no farther than Max had run the day before when he went back and forth in the church yard. While both of the boys agreed to give it a try I know for sure that they are both skeptical.

As I have thought about watching Max yesterday and then comparing it to his reaction this morning, I realized that when setting goals the increment really matters. Max’s goal yesterday was to run one mile. But, even though he did not plan it this way he had broken down the goal into very small pieces. He was only running about twenty yards at a time. Additionally, each time he turned around, the next little piece of the goal was clearly in sight. When I suggested today that we run a mile around our neighborhood the hesitation wasn’t so much the distance, rather it was the fact that in running around the neighborhood the goal would not be so plainly in sight. Which streets were we going to run around? Would we run out for half a mile then run back over the same course? Where we just going to run around the block four or five times? These questions and perhaps even some that would occur to a ten year old boy that don’t occur to me I am sure had a lot to do with their reaction.

All of us set goals. Sometimes the goals are those BHAGs (Big, Hairy, Audacious, Goals) that are really tough to achieve. Sometimes they are the common kinds of goals like I am going to quit smoking, or I am going to lose weight, or I am going to exercise daily. While many of us have set such goals, we often fail. We start out by not smoking at all for a few days then we have just one cigarette, and then another and then we forget about the goal all together. We begin our new diet by cutting out sweets, or bread, or something else that we regularly eat that we have now decided we will do no more. We begin an exercise program by buying new workout clothes, new sneakers, and even joining a gym. Then a month or so later we have a gym membership that is unused, new sneakers that we are now wearing on Saturday afternoon, and exercise shorts that we decide to start sleeping in at night. I think we need to take a look at the simple and innocent way that Max approached his goal. I believe that he has reminded me of how we can all achieve success.

When you want to achieve a goal you must remember to break that down into very small and manageable pieces. The goal should have many small successes built in. The achievement of your goal must also remain clearly in sight. Finally, always remember to avail yourself of some simple measuring device.

You might think that it is pretty boring running back and forth 80 plus times to run a mile. This is not the way that we normally think. For most of us if we wanted to run a mile we might set out on a quarter mile track or decide to run eight city blocks. Perhaps on your first time out you would reach the goal. But you see Max is only ten years old. He is not allowed to go to a track and he isn’t allowed to run in the streets. So Max had to improvise and set a small goal right in his own literal “church yard.” He decided how he would measure his progress, and he started out slowly. Max reached his goal because he did not know much about how many times he would have to run back and forth. He did not measure the distance of the church yard. He did not set an allotted time. No, the key to Max’s success was that the increments were small, the feedback measurement was continuous, and he knew that in the end he was under the watchful eye of his constant coach.

If you have a goal that you want to achieve then I urge you to use Max’s method. Start slow, establish small success benchmarks, and measure progress often. Finally, if you don’t have your own coach to cheer you on, then contact me. I love to see people celebrate the achievement of their goals.

What Is Your Why?

Have you ever found yourself in one of those conversations with a four year old when they respond to everything you say with “why?” This is a frustration that many of us have experienced. The child comes to you with a question. You provide the best answer you can come up with and then the child just says “Why?” You respond with a fuller explanation hoping to make your answer make sense for the child and then once again you get “why?” Again you try to clarify your answer and you get still once again “why?” This chain only ends when either you give up in frustration or the child becomes interested in the toy you offer up as a distraction.

Children ask us why because they want to have a better understanding of the world around them. When children are young they ask lots of questions. I am told that children stop asking us questions when they stop believing that we have the answers. Today that can happen as early as ten or twelve years old. In many ways though we too function like twelve year old children. We stopped asking questions long ago. Perhaps it is because we think we now have all of the answers. Or maybe we are sometimes too embarrassed to ask the question because we don’t want the world to know that there is something we do not know. Or maybe, we just remember back to the days when we too were four years old and some adult got frustrated with our unending round of asking “why?”

I recently read again the famous quote by Friedrich Nietzsche “He who has a why can endure any how.” This came up once again today in a conversation with a friend and colleague when we were talking about the day to day pressures of work. The pace of our days has become so hectic that we spend much of our time in reaction mode. The current buzz word in the business world is “I work 100 hour weeks.” I have no idea as to what happened to the old badge of the workaholic who worked 80 hours each week. I don’t put in 100 hour weeks and so it is difficult for me to imagine what that must be like. However, just a simple calculation tells me that you would have to work over 14 hours each day, every day in order to work a 100 hour week. Since most of us are not the CEOs, this also means that we need to drive ourselves to and from work each day so let’s factor in just an hour of your time for your daily commute. Also, assuming that you have a really bad diet (exclusively fast food) you would still need about one and a half hours each day to pick up and eat your food (I recognize that some of us work while we eat). As for personal hygiene tasks, let’s give that a total of an hour each day (potty breaks included given how badly you would be eating). That would leave you about six hours to sleep every day. So now the question I would ask is “Why?”

I guess that if you are the CEO of a large company your “why” is to grow the business or to create shareholder value. Maybe you work in Silicon Valley and you are creating the next groundbreaking technology that will turn your stock options into a billion dollars. But you are more than likely just an average person that is somehow caught up in the sense of importance and status you get from saying “I work 80, 90, or 100 hours a week.” Whatever need is being fulfilled by this super human effort, it is time to stop and ask “why?”

Now the truth is that very few people actually work 100 hours a week. In fact, there are few of us that actually work for 60 hours each week, and I will save for another day my discussion of how few of us really do put in the 40 hours for which we receive our pay. But, no matter how many hours you actually work, have you spent any time lately making sure of your “why?” Whether you work for yourself, or work for a small company, or work for a large corporation, sometimes work can be hard. If you are self-employed you deal with cash flow problems and worry about how you will generate the next deal. If you are work for a company you worry about getting the work done that has been heaped upon you. Some of us are working with psychopaths that are making our lives miserable. And then there are those of us that are just working at jobs that are not stimulating or challenging. No matter what situation you find yourself in today, you need to take the time to really understand your “why.”

In order to answer the question we need to go beyond the immediate. We need to not just stop at the simple answers like how much money we need, or we have bills to pay, or even because we can’t afford to lose our job. I love to quote the old saying “what profits a man to gain the world, yet lose his soul?” You need a bigger “Why?” Your “why” must make a difference in your life or in the lives of those you love. Your “why” must be filled with passion. Why did a person like Martin Luther King risk his life? It was because he had a dream. His dream was his “why.” Why does a fireman run into a burning building? It is because their “why” is to save just one life if possible. Why does a mother shield her child with her own body when danger strikes? It is because her “why” is that she values the life of her child more than her own. These are the kinds of “why” that matter. These are the kinds of “why” that makes the risk, or the pain or the challenge make sense. These kinds of “why” don’t translate to money, or pride, or status. These are the kinds of “why” that makes a difference in the world. These are the kind of “why” based on established values and character.

Why did you get up this morning? Why are you working so hard? Why didn’t you have time for dinner with your family? Why did you spend one-on-one time with your child? Why did you not stop to say I love you? Keep asking this question. Take the time to figure out why. We all need a “why” so that we can endure our “how.” Taking the time to identify your “why” will keep you on the path you have chosen for your life. Knowing your “why” makes the how worth every step of the journey. Commit your “why” to writing.

There is so much power in the answer to that very simple question. I guess that we all need to wonder why?

Where Are You Now?

As I was making reservations for a business trip this week I realized that I needed to fly on Sunday in order to be at the appointed destination for a Monday morning meeting.  This is not at all unusual as I frequently will travel the day before a meeting or appointment.  This reduces my anxiety over delays, and assures that I will get a good night’s sleep and be productive during my appointment.  When making the reservations I noticed that Sunday was September 11.  I hesitated for a moment asking myself if I really wanted to fly on this date.  

As things turned out for me my trip ultimately was cancelled and I have no need to fly on September 11.  Still, just the thought of flying on that date took me back to the tragedy of 9/11/01.  Like most Americans I can remember vividly where I was when the first plane hit the World Trade Center tower.  As the morning wore on and yet another plane hit the tower, I began to also hear the news of a plane in Pennsylvania that was possibly hijacked about an hour from my home in Pittsburgh.  

On 9/11/01 I was the Chief Operating Officer of the Pittsburgh Housing Authority.  My immediate superior, as well as the majority of our executive staff were in Washington, D.C. that morning attending a meeting at HUD, near the Pentagon which also became the site of another plane crash.  In the midst of the shock and devastation of the people around me during those critical moments, I suddenly realized that I was responsible for an agency of 500 employees, and that we managed housing for about 5,000 people in Pittsburgh.  Given the information available, I needed to make a number of decisions that were likely to be second guessed later, but were yet important to make immediately.

I began the decision making process by contacting each of my available co-workers.  This included our Operations Director, HR Manager, and Police Chief.  We decided that we needed to assure the security and safety of our residential communities and Hi-rise buildings which housed the elderly and disabled.  At the same time we needed to act with compassion towards our employees who were concerned about children in school, and their own families.  We decided that all employees that were non-essential to the security of our communities could leave work immediately to look after their families.  Essential personnel and a small group of volunteers agreed to continue working until we knew for certain that our communities were safe and secure.  As I looked out the windows of our offices I could see the motion and panic of people below emptying out of nearby office buildings and heading for home.  I knew that we were facing a long day when many of us might not get to go home for a while.  

As I now look back on that day I recognize that Pittsburgh escaped tragedy.  We did not experience problems in our communities, and our buildings were spared from disaster.  The lessons of that day however caused our own agency and many others to begin to prepare plans for future disasters.  We had a heightened focus on the fact that low probability incidents of drastic proportion do still happen every day.  We all spent the next several days experiencing a swelling sense of nationalism, and everyone in the country seemed to pull together.  

Just four years later America finds itself facing yet another disaster.  Once again America finds itself questioning whether or not we were prepared for the flood waters of Hurricane Katrina.  There is massive finger pointing and political posturing to heap blame for everything from the speed of the relief response, to the lack of availability of $2,000 debit cards for the purchase of essentials.  Perhaps as many as half a million people are suffering today because of the hurricane.  All across the country we are all affected by rising gasoline prices, and threats of fuel prices for heating rising as much as seventy percent.  

We have very short memories in this country.  We forget the commitments we make when we are under duress.  We utter prayers at moments of disaster or despair and we make promises to our God in exchange for mercy.  We pull close to loved ones; we cherish the small things in life, and we all understand that we are in many ways spared just by grace.  All of this fades as we move further in time from the latest disaster, or when we realize that the latest event did not really affect our own lives.  

As I write this I sit comfortably in my office in my home.  I will spend my day developing business relationships, scheduling appointments and travel for upcoming events, and waiting for my children to return from school to begin the weekend.  As I write this there are families that are living in shelters with no hope of returning to their homes.  There are perhaps thousands of children that have no school to attend for whom the weekend is just another day in an impoverished life.  And there are thousands more that have lost jobs, careers, and businesses.  

As you take the time to read this I would ask you to think about a question.  Where are you now?  You are probably reading this in your office.  This of course means that you have a job today.  If you are reading this in your home, you have electricity and even a computer.  Where were you four years ago during 9/11?  What changes did you vow to make in your life on that day?  Have you kept your promises?  Did you realize on 9/11 how important your family is to you?  Do you live today like that is still true?  As you watched families walking through flooded streets in Louisiana did you stop to acknowledge that you were safe and dry?  

In the past four years my life has continued to change dramatically.  I am no longer the COO of that agency I managed in 2001.  I work now as a consultant helping people and organizations understand the importance of authenticity, values and character.  I teach clients about valuing people and serving those that they lead.  I can’t say that all of this happened because of 9/11.  But I know that the events of that day changed me in a way.  I was reminded recently of those changes as I planned a simple business trip that was later cancelled.  Now I have another chance to sit back and reassess my own priorities.  I have the time once again to make sure that I am living my values.  And most importantly, I will say a prayer of thanks that once again disaster has struck and yet those that I love are safe and secure.  It is my sincere hope that as you read this you too will take stock with where you are now and where you have been in these past four years.



    

What You Believe Can Change the World.

When I stepped outside this morning to walk the dog I was faced with weather conditions that immediately let me know that today was not going to be a day when I could take a long walk outside.  The weather and the threatening skies suggested that perhaps today’s walk might more safely be done indoors on the treadmill.  In just a short few days I have been spoiled by the cooler temperatures which have allowed me to walk outside enjoying the peace and quiet of the morning.  I have experienced a great sense of calm as I have walked in the early morning enjoying the waterfront near my home, and listening to the world around me.  This is such a different experience for me.  It is quite different from walking with headphones on my ears, enjoying music or listening to the latest audio book.  Being forced back indoors to walk on the treadmill, I employed the distractions we sometimes use to abate the boredom that comes from walking in place.  Like many people that use a treadmill regularly, I turned on the TV and channel surfed looking for something to hold my interest for half an hour.

This morning all of the news shows focused on the devastation in cities in Louisiana and Mississippi.  There were pictures of people being rescued from roof tops as waters surged up to the roof lines of homes.  The broadcasts showed us pictures of vast areas under water and extensive damage that had been done to homes, businesses and recreation areas.  I listened to comparisons to the tsunami that hit Indonesia last year as broadcasters flew helicopters over damaged areas or surveyed the wreckage on rented boats.  There were reports of as many as 100 deaths in Mississippi and other scattered reports of deaths in Louisiana, Alabama, and Georgia.  We will certainly mourn the loss of any life as a result of this catastrophe.  

The economic effects of the hurricane will be experienced all across our country as oil refinery production is reduced.  As much as 25% of our refinery production comes from the Gulf region alone.  The President has already agreed to release oil from our strategic reserves in order to alleviate the pressure on gasoline prices which are now predicted to rise perhaps as much as thirty cents above current levels.  I learned all of these things just watching television for about thirty minutes today while I exercised.  

I have found myself at times like this functioning as somewhat of a voyeur.  I can become fixated on the events almost waiting to see more pictures that would shock or horrify me.  I have watched myself focus intently on facts reporting the numbers of deaths, or the dollar estimates of economic damage.  I then carry that information all day and intersperse it into my conversations as I lament the tragedy.  I find myself using sorrowful tones as my way of expressing my grief and concern for those so less fortunate.  I realized today while on my treadmill in my dry, well lit, and air-conditioned home how pious my actions have been.  

First I must acknowledge that despite the death toll and economic damage, hurricane Katrina can not be compared to the tsunami in Indonesia.  We have available to us some of the most sophisticated weather tracking and warning systems in the world.  We were provided warnings many days in advance such that many cities and towns were evacuated sparing us the dramatic loss of life that people in other parts of the world experience daily.  Just in the time that it will take to write this more people will die in the Sudan or other parts of Africa than the total death toll experienced nationally from Katrina.  I can only wonder how many of us have spoken in those hushed tones grieving for the loss of life that occurs daily in other parts of the world.  What will be our reaction today to the loss of life in Baghdad where some 600 people died as a result of a rumor of a suicide bomber on a bridge over the Tigris River?  

When are we going to learn in this country that we are all together in this world?  Today we lost our brothers and sisters in Mississippi, and we lost some in the Baghdad, and we lost even more in the Sudan.  All across the globe there are tragedies, wars, and disasters.  Lives are being lost, economies are suffering, and people are homeless.  You and I read this at computers, in homes and offices with modern conveniences.  Maybe you will read this later in the day while having dinner or take it out on your coffee break while you enjoy an afternoon Latte.  I don’t write this to say that you should feel guilty for the many blessings we experience here in America.  I don’t write this to remind you of how lucky you are that you live in a city far away from the Gulf Coast.  Rather, I write this to remind you to take a moment to be thankful.  It is so easy to complain about things in our day-to-day lives.  I know that I find myself complaining about the weather, or traffic, or an annoying telephone call.  Yet, in the whole scheme of things, we have so very much to be thankful for.  

Being thankful does not necessarily mean that you are somehow better than those less fortunate.  In our spirit of thankfulness or should I say gratitude, we recognize that we are each given so many gifts.  We ought to take the time to acknowledge those gifts.  I am sure that not everything in your life today is fantastic.  Perhaps you work in an oppressive environment or maybe you are struggling to make ends meet financially.  Maybe your marriage is not the best, or someone close to you is not behaving to your liking.  We all have problems and we already spend our fair share of time acknowledging that.  What I am proposing is a transition in your thinking.  Let’s take a few minutes to focus on the wonderful things that are happening in your life.  While you do that, also remember that there are people all around the world that are your brothers and sisters.  Remember that somewhere they are suffering at this moment.  As you express your gratitude remember to also reach out to them.  Make a decision to do one simple act to reduce the suffering of others.  Whatever you can do, do it now.  If all you can do is say a prayer, then take a moment to breathe that prayer.  

I have made a transition in my thinking these days.  I have focused on what I believe.  In that focus I have found greater joy, greater success, and a greater awareness of those around me.  I wanted to share that focus with you so that you too can experience the power of all that is in you.  Let’s all stop watching the world and start being a part of making the world better.  You can begin by making yourself better, and you can begin that by just beginning to believe.

Renewal of the Spirit

Last night as I walked home from our local Seven Eleven, I stopped to talk to a neighbor. We commented on the pleasantness of the sound of the cicadas and how that sound brought back memories of our childhood. I noticed last night how much time we spend outside at this time of year and even though the days are getting shorter, we still find ourselves outside when nighttime falls.

As we near the end of summer our thoughts begin to focus more intently on our work, our plans, and our goals. There is a rhythm in life that moves to the seasons. Summertime in our part of the country is a time to look for ways to escape the heat, enjoy time with family, and relax. We retreat to our vacation destinations or if we are fortunate enough we have a place a get away from it all on the weekend.

In thinking of these things I was tempted to think of the summer as a time of renewal. It seems easy for me to think that the activities we so much enjoy in the summer would renew the body and the spirit. While I guess that it is true that rest and relaxation can help to renew our bodies, I was left to wonder whether or not we do much for our spirit in the summer. My conclusion is that during the summer our spirit goes lacking.

I have been wresting with matters of my spirit for a while. There has been a running conflict with my passion and my appetites. My passion is to develop people to make a difference. My appetite is for self fulfillment and personal satisfaction. The struggle between the two is similar in many ways to what is experienced by people addicted to food, or alcohol, or even cigarettes. I don’t mean to minimize the seriousness of those addictions, and I do understand that each of those addictions can be accompanied by a chemical change in the body that compels a person to engage in behaviors that can be deadly. Yet, I have found that my appetite for self fulfillment and personal satisfaction often leads me away from my passion. When I leave my passion, my spirit seems to suffer almost to the point of being harmful.

I believe that we can not live healthy lives disconnected from our passion. We can endure brief periods of disconnection, but in the end we must all find, and live out our passion. For me, my passion is also my vocation. I earn a part of my living as a result of my gift to help people change their lives. Yet, in order to pay the bills, I have given way to other pursuits and neglected my passion. The resulting wounding of my spirit has reduced my energy, and even my drive. In the end, this condition would result in my inability to even do the other work that “pays the bills.”

I am lucky enough to have people in my life that sometimes take the time to remind me to stay focused on my passions. Sometimes the conversations are not what I want to hear. Sometimes the message is a scolding. From other people it is the reflection of their disappointment when I seem to be wandering away from my mission. I even have a friend that reminds me when I am straying from my dreams. In this regard I am more blessed than most. I received one of those reminders today. It was a brief conversation. I was not scolded, or cajoled. There was no recrimination or guilt. Rather, just an observation, that my heart did not seem to be in my work. What a wake up call!

In that brief conversation today I resolved the conflict. I can’t live my life disconnected from my passion. I can’t experience success simply by my ability to “pay the bills.” I have had the good fortune to know clearly what I am called to do. Every time I have strayed away from that I experience calamitous results. I guess that I had forgotten that I had found my V.O.I.C.E.

As the summer comes to an end, many are heading back to school. Some of us will head back to work and commit to a faster pace, recognizing that the summer is ending and it is time to get serious. As for me, I am returning to my passion. I am focusing on renewing my spirit and doing what I am called to do. Just this recognition already has my energy flowing.

I have learned something new about the summer. It is wonderful for the body. We exercise, get out in the sun, and enjoy our lives. We connect with family and friends, and we create memories. These are all very important activities. However, what we lack in the summer is a focus on our spirits. We lose touch with our faith, and we fail to nourish our spirit. It is time to open the windows in that room and let the air back in. As we are thankful for the summer, we must now be thankful for the coming fall and the spirit of renewal in another important dimension of our life. Maybe this does not apply to your life, but this certainly means a great deal to me today.

The Role of a Lifetime

If you spend anytime on the internet now you have probably come across any number of popular memes. These self propagating pieces of information have the ability to spread quickly on the internet mainly because of the connectedness of this medium. Examples of memes are the jokes or stories that quickly get passed from person to person. One recent example of a meme is the one where you are asked to answer a series of questions and then tag another person. The questions are thought provoking and so for reference sake I am pointing you to one site HERE where you can take a look.

My thoughts today don’t deal with the meme itself. However, the thoughts I have began for me after I read and responded to a meme. The meme asks you to consider a number of questions. The questions range from philosophical to practical. Questions such as if you could live forever what would you do? Or the practical questions like if you were a painter? The meme does not constrain your answers in any way as they are open questions. Thinking this through I began to see the questions as an examination of the roles we hope to play in life. With the meme you are answering questions about roles that you do not possess. I thought that I would take a different approach.

One of the key considerations in Finding Your V.O.I.C.E. is determining your personal Objectives. Your objectives define for you where you want to go. In defining your objectives you create a personal mission statement that maps the journey. One key component of that map is a definition of the roles you play.

It might sound odd to say that we play different roles in our lives. Maybe you have never thought of it this way but in fact each of us plays several roles at different times. Have you ever heard yourself saying when speaking of a close friend “she is like a sister to me?” When making such a statement you are describing a role in your life. The statement describes the way in which you relate to a person that is not actually your sister. We have other roles in our lives. For many of us those roles include wife, husband, father, mother, friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend. The list goes on and on. Each of these roles requires you to perform in a certain way. In your role as a father you would behave differently than you would in your role as a friend.

Sometimes we give little thought to the roles in our lives. Some roles are thrust upon us without our agreement. Other roles we create for ourselves. Yet in each case we must make certain that we are taking the time to define those roles for ourselves. When you define yourself as a friend what does that mean? How will you perform in that role? Maybe your role is leader. What characteristics do you need to demonstrate to effectively play that role? If your role is mother, are you playing the part well? Have you been clear about how this role relates to the other roles in your life?

It is very important that we take the time to define all of the roles that we play in our lives. At times we may find that we have more roles than we can handle. Or you may find that you have not been living up to one of the roles you accepted. All of our roles require time. Take a look at your past couple of weeks. Have you put in meaningful time in your roles? If you have not are going to change your schedule to make sure that you are living up to the role you accepted?

I have often heard that some actors get to play the role of a lifetime. Or you hear that an actor is playing the part that they were born to play. I am not yet sure if I agree with those statements when I hear them. However, I do firmly believe that each of us was born for a specific role in life. It is possible that your role is to become someone famous or an important business executive. But it is just as possible that the role of a lifetime that you were born to play is the role of peace maker. Maybe your role is to be a volunteer in a women’s shelter. You could have been cast as a mentor to young men, or as a world class writer. Whatever the role there is one that you and only you were meant to play.

Recently veteran actor Morgan Freeman won an Oscar for his role in the movie Million Dollar Baby. Prior to winning his first Oscar, Freeman played in a number of diverse roles. He has been the President of the United States, a chauffeur, a convict, a pimp and even God. He has played twenty three different roles in films. However in this film Freeman plays the role of an old man who is unashamed of being an old man. Freeman is in his late 60s. Maybe there is a message in that for all of us. Freeman has been a successful and convincing actor for many years. However, the pinnacle of his acting success has come when he embraced a role that very much reflected much about who he is.

I don’t know what role you play in your life. Maybe your most important role has yet to be discovered. Or perhaps you have already been given the chance to play in the role of a lifetime. Whatever the case may be for you when you discover your role I urge you to define it well. Then embrace that role and play it for all that you are worth.

Our most important roles in our lives usually do not come with the recognition awarded by Hollywood. Your reward will be reflected in the lives that you impact. Playing your role well will change someone’s life and if you are lucky it will also change your own. Let’s take it again one more time from the top, only this time play your role with feeling.

Puzzles

I have always had an attraction to puzzles. I find them to be both entertaining and challenging. Over the years I have collected more than a few that have stood the test of time such that I will still pick them up to try to solve them once again. I think that one of the great things about a puzzle is that even after you complete it you can attempt it again and still find it challenging.

As much as I have enjoyed puzzles over the years there is one type of puzzle that I have never really mastered. That is the jigsaw puzzle. My abilities seem to be more in solving puzzles that have patterns or systems involved in their solution. Jigsaw puzzles require a different skill set. I am told that the solution to most of these puzzles can be found by first uncovering the outer edges and working your way in. The outer pieces are relatively easy to identify since they have straight edges. You then have the ability to use this frame to define the limits of your puzzle. There is a certain security that comes when you have an understanding of the boundaries within which you are going to work.

A jigsaw puzzle is a picture that has been cut into hundreds of small and seemingly random pieces. The more pieces you have the more difficult the puzzle. As you work your way through you look for similarities in colors or attempt to identify shapes that appear to go together. The best puzzles will have a number of pieces that are similar in shape but just different enough to require that they be placed only in their unique position. Sometimes you can be working with the right piece but you either need to turn it a certain way or combine it with another piece not yet placed to make it fit correctly. You also learn when working with your puzzle that no matter how hard you try, if you are working with a piece before it is time to place that piece you can spend a lot of time but will not yield any success.

No matter how difficult a puzzle can always be solved. You must be willing to devote enough time, and you must be patient. You can place a puzzle on your work space and devote chunks of time to the solution. If you are lucky enough to have a space that is undisturbed by others, consistent effort is all that it takes to solve the puzzle. In the end you always have a reference point to refer back to because every puzzle relates to a big picture that you can access when necessary.

We often use the term “big picture” to describe something that is not easily apparent. The term suggest that many pieces must come together to get the big picture. We tell people that they need to “think big picture” when we desire that they focus beyond the immediate. The big picture is the vision. It is the end of the journey. When we see the big picture all of the pieces have been put together in their proper places. We can stand back, hands on hips and proudly bask in our accomplishments.

Wouldn’t be great if all we had to do in our lives was to see the big picture? Imagine how easy things would be if we could abandon the small and seemingly insignificant tasks and just look at the big picture. We could see the end results of our efforts, be assured that the goals are achievable, and know that we are headed in the right direction. That would be great, but our reality is that each of us is holding individual pieces of our puzzle.

In our life’s journey we have periods when each piece of the puzzle we touch seems to fall neatly into place. We instantly can see where a piece belongs. During these times we can even see the form of the puzzle and we feel certain that the picture will be completed. At other times we find ourselves studying a piece for long periods. We wonder whether or not the piece we are holding in our hands is the right piece to work with at this time. Sometimes we select piece after piece and examine them only to reject that piece as not being the right piece at the right time. In these periods we don’t see much progress and we wonder if we will ever be able to put the picture together.

I have seen seasons in my own life when I was having trouble with the pieces of my puzzle. At times I have been so distraught that I became convinced that I was working on the wrong puzzle altogether. Those have been times of confusion and frustration. I can recall saying “if I just had this piece then everything would come together.”

When I have worked on puzzles that I have successfully completed I have always experienced periods when I was stumped. My first reaction to those times has been to “try harder.” Yet after trying harder I find that I am still stumped. Ultimately my frustration gets the best of me and I walk away. When I was younger I might even destroy all the work I had done up to that point. As I grew older I would just place the puzzle aside and allow myself to forget about it for a while.

The puzzles in our lives are really not very different from a jigsaw puzzle. We will all reach a point when the pieces just are not coming together. Sometimes people will encourage us to just try harder. Sometimes that may work. But, working hard at something that does not work, does not work. You need to step away from the puzzle. At times just stepping back will cause you to see the big picture and you can continue with your work. At other times you need to leave the puzzle completely and begin again at a later time. However, you should never make the mistakes I made in my youth when I would destroy my work up to that point.

The vision you have for your life or the big picture that you desire to achieve is made up of many small and seemingly random pieces. It is true that at times you might be working in the wrong section of the picture. However, if you follow the guidance of successful puzzle mavens you have already defined the boundaries of your vision. Maybe you need to move to a different section of your puzzle for a time. Perhaps it is time for a complete break just to regain your perspective. Or maybe all you need is a moment to step back, reassess the picture and begin again.

In my life I have had many periods of being stumped. Those are tough times. However, I have learned that immediately following those periods I find myself back in the zone where the pieces just fall into place one after another. I am still working on my puzzle, but I have no doubt that the picture is actually coming into view.

The Biggest Word of All

As a child growing up in Philadelphia one of the early gifts my mother gave to me was the gift of her time. As a single parent with three young children at the time there were few opportunities to spend one on one time with my mom. Yet, I remember with fondness that my mom spent special time with me her oldest child.

Perhaps there is a special relationship between a mother and her first born. This could also have something to do with the fact that I am nearly two years older than my closest sibling and over three years older than the next. I could also attribute the difference to the way that boys were raised in those days as compared to how girls were raised. I think it is safe to say that I don’t know all of the reasons why I had a special relationship with my mom, but I know that I benefited greatly from the time we spent together.

I guess that I was what we might call today a precocious child. I can remember from an early age constantly inserting myself into what was called “grown folks business.” I would engage any and every adult in conversation about subjects that seemed to amaze them. I doubt that this was so much related to my intellect, but because I can remember that early on I talked too much.

My mother took it upon herself to teach me to read before I entered grade school. She elected not to send me to kindergarten which I now suspect is due to her knowledge that I had no skills in painting, drawing, or playing with crayons. What I did love to do was read. This made me antisocial to children my age. My limited skills at the finer points of being a young kid probably added to their distrust of me. But through reading I was able to entertain myself and my young sisters. The time I spent reading also helped me to engage adults as I was fond of reading from a world book and quoting abstract facts that while generally meaningless would always get a raised eyebrow from most adults. Thinking back now I think I just figured out why I became so introverted as a child. I really did not fit in.

When I learned to read the books my mother chose were the Dick and Jane series. The words we all remember from those books are “see Spot run.” These books worked as early readers because of the word repetition. Words like see, come, and run would be repeated over and over in each consecutive sentence. Learning to read using these books created a sense of familiarity with words. The one syllable words could be pronounced easily and did not require much coordination between teeth and tongue. Other than the names of the characters the words in the early Dick and Jane series were three letters long. It was not until you got through the first couple of books that you were introduced to words with more than three letters and two syllables. It was in the Dick and Jane series that I learned what I still refer to as the biggest word of all. That word is “look.”

The word look of course has four letters. Yet, I call this the biggest word of all because it means so much to me. In my early reading look is introduced with the sentence “Look Jane, see Spot run.” This was my first encounter with the power of observation. Dick is telling Jane to pay attention. Later my mom taught me to cross the street in our busy neighborhood. There was my favorite word once again. My mother taught me to “stop, look, and listen.” Once again I was learning the power of observation now engaging one of my other senses. My mother further admonished me that when crossing the street I was to “look both ways” before I crossed, making sure that there was no traffic coming from either direction.

As a father now I teach my children about my favorite word. I have taught them the all important survival skills related to crossing the street. They have learned to look both ways and to stop, look, and listen. But I have built upon my mother’s early lessons. I have learned and have taught my children to look at people. I have learned to look at people when I talk to them. Looking people in the eye gives them a sense that you are interested in what they are saying. I also look at the people around me. I make it a habit to be observant of my world.

The word look is now inserted into my personal mission statement. The words I have written there are “I will look and pay attention. There is so much to see.” This is my reminder that there are so many opportunities in the world that we only need to look to see them. I encourage myself to look for opportunities to enlighten. I look for a chance to help others. I look for teachable moments with the people in my life. I look at my values and character. I remind myself that others are looking and so I must always be the best that I can be.

Look. This is such a simple word that we have tucked it away in our vocabulary. We engage our senses without fully knowing that when we look we must also see. Sometimes when you look you will see injustice. At other times you will look and see a person that could use a kind word or a moment of your time listening. When not looking at people take a look at your checkbook. There you will have a chance to see what things you have been valuing. Perhaps it is time in that case to look in a different direction.

Our world has become so high tech that we have lost the art of looking. When we want to communicate we use Powerpoint to make a presentation. Next time you sit through one of these take a look. The person presenting is not looking at you and you are not looking at them. Instead, everyone is just looking at the screen. Maybe the next time you find yourself in this situation you can yell out “look Jane, see spot run!” Remind the people in the room that real communication, real observation, real meaning is established when we take the time to look at each other. Let’s look each other in the eye. Let’s stop averting our attention. Stop, Look, and Listen.

I Saw What You Did

In my youth Saturday afternoons were spent at the movies. In those days an afternoon at the movies included at least two features plus cartoons. Kids were dropped off there and generally left unattended except perhaps for being with an older sibling. Of course the result was that spit balls would fly, too much candy would be consumed, and the teenagers in the theater owned the back seats of the theater and much of the balcony.

My recollections of those days more than forty years ago include seeing some of the classic adventure stories, westerns, and of course horror movies. I remember the horror movies best. This may be more related to the nights of lost sleep afterward when I became convinced that some creature, monster, or murderer actually lurked in my home. The really good films would cause me to leave the lights on at night for weeks. The only rating for movies in those days was “X” so generally we would go to see all of the movies that came out. When you consider that the price of these films was just twenty-five cents for the matinee, this was the cheapest form of babysitting available for parents at the time.

During the summer of 1965 there was a popular movie titled “I Saw What You Did.” This movie was a campy low budget film about a couple of teenage girls making prank telephone calls. During one of these calls the girls whisper to the person on the other line “I saw what you did, and I know who you are.” This is all done in good fun except that the receiver of this call is a psychopath that has just murdered his wife. Being psychotic of course our killer is now convinced that there are witnesses to his crime. The rest of the movie involves the connection of the girls to the killer, and includes some much overacted scenes by a drunken and sex starved Joan Crawford.

I admit that it is unfathomable today with the advent of telephone features like Caller ID that prank calls would be very entertaining for modern teenagers. Besides, what can compete with on demand movies, five hundred television channels and the ubiquitous Ipod? But I really enjoyed the idea of the movie. The premise is that people respond differently, at times even murderously, when they believe that someone has seen what they did in private. Of course we would not have a movie premise if your private act was not something as heinous as murdering your wife. I guess that given one of two options, contrition or murder, that murder might easily be a popular choice for a psychotic killer.

This perhaps strange stream of consciousness caused me to think about all of the things that we do in private that are not heinous. The things we do when we think that no one is watching. Eating that second donut, smoking after we told everyone that we quit, or telling your family that the doctor said your cholesterol level is now in the acceptable range (OK a bit too personal on that one). What changes would we make in our behaviors if we knew that someone was actually watching everything that we did?

I have come to believe that the majority of the people we know are good and decent folks. Most of us are generally honest and trustworthy. We seek to do the right thing and avoid temptation. Most of us are consistent in our behavior both in public and in private. I think that this aptly describes most of us but does not accurately describe me. The fact is that I often behave differently in private than I do in public. I have taken the extra donut. I have littered secretly, and I am now not afraid to admit that I once passed gas on a crowded elevator (only once!). These are all things that I did when I thought that no one else would know and I could easily create a much longer list without much effort.

I am like most people. Sometimes I don’t uphold my commitments. There are days when the private me and the public me are out of sync. I struggle with times when I don’t want to do what is best for my health, or I give in to an erosion of my value system. I am not perfect. Recognizing my personal imperfections I have built a system that I find useful. I call it my personal accountability system. The system is simple and very effective. When I make a commitment I try to share that commitment with one or more people that I know. Different commitments require different people, but the list of people is not very long. I also write down my important commitments. I place the written copy in a place that is conspicuous. I tell my children about those lists.

My accountability system works because like you I too want to be understood and accepted. The people that help me to remain accountable are both gentle and sometimes not so gentle reminders of what I have said I want to do. My children quickly point out to me that I am eating something that I said I would not. My friends will ask me about my progress on an important goal as a gentle reminder that progress is expected. My exercise partner checks in regularly to ask about my workout and even calls to make sure I am awake at the time that I am supposed to be working out.

We all need a bit of a reminder from time to time to keep us on track. It is also possible that you are much like me and you could use your own personal accountability system. I encourage you to adopt my system and get other people involved in helping you to make your life what you want it to be. We all need people in our lives with whom we can be completely honest. Ask the people that love you to be willing to accept your honesty without being judgmental. Enlisting people in the accomplishment of your goals, and having someone holding you accountable are the key to ensuring your success.

Ask a friend to call you often and remind you that they know who you are and they saw what you did. As long as you have not committed a crime your reaction should be just enough to keep you honest. Going back to those teenage pranks, they do still involve telephones. Now days teens think that it is funny to use camera phones to capture their assaults on innocent people. What a difference forty years makes.

Monday Morning Reflections

There is a somewhat universal sense that Monday is a tough day. I have already had four conversations today and in every one at some point in the conversation we talked about the difficulties of the coming week or just the difficulty of getting through a Monday morning. The fact that Mondays are tough should come as no surprise to us. Most of us begin our week on Monday and we tend to be reflective about what the week may bring and generally, most of us do not approach the beginning of the week with much optimism.

I am no different than the average person in this regard. I find Monday to be oppressive in the sense that on Monday I am forced to deal with the realities of life. Monday has a way of being full of could of, should of and wish I had kinds of thoughts. On Monday my worry meter is usually pegged hard in the red zone as I think through all of the looming disasters. This matter is complicated by the fact that most Mondays my body is tired from the weekend and the way that I allow myself to get out of sync. I eat and sleep differently on the weekend and the effects of that always become obvious to me on Monday morning. This is a pattern of which I am aware but I have yet to change.

I thought that today I would capitalize on our normally reflective mood for Monday morning. Today my writing will be brief as I would much rather you spend your time thinking. You probably have a world of issues that you are facing today but if you have taken the time to read this then you have already decided to take a break. I want you to capitalize on your time here today by committing to undertake a number of activities. Most of the activities require you to answer some questions. These are unscientific questions but are things that I was thinking about yesterday and today.

I started this process last night so I am a bit ahead of you. Read each of the questions listed and spend a few moments reflecting on the answers. Don’t hurry your way through this. Even though I started last night I have only completed three of the activities as I write this. My goal is to complete the list by the end of the day. I think that for you a goal of completing this by tomorrow morning is reasonable. The list follows:

Choose three words that describe you. Ask your closest friend and one family member to do the same. Compare the list.

What is it that you do that makes you unique?

If you could put together your own group of highly talented people for any purpose you wished what would the individual talents of those people be? Would you place yourself in the group? Limit the group to five people.

Have you ever admitted that you have failed at something in your life?

How did you handle that failure?

If you knew that you were going to die within days, what people would you need to talk to and what would you say to them?

At your funeral, there will be four speakers. One will be from your childhood, one from High School, One from your work or social life, and one from your family. What will these people say about you?

What three things do you really want to do with your life that you have yet to do?

Commit to thirty minutes of silence today. No noise and no distractions. Write down your thoughts after the time is up.

After the completion of these exercises, take a moment to pray. In your prayer make no requests but express your reflections on this day.

The purpose of these questions is to raise our consciousness beyond our present and begin to think about the future. When we focus on the end of our lives we can have a clearer sense of direction for the present. Perhaps the issues and problems you face today are critical, but often times they pale in comparison to the rest of our lives.

Maybe we should use Monday to focus on the end rather than the beginning. I hope that after you complete this exercise your focus and your perspective will have shifted moving you in a different direction.